Give me a minute, I’m still reeling. Steady. Steady. Right, now I’m back in the room. What just happened there? We are halfway through the first season of The Celebrity Traitors and everything just got turned up to 11, or was it 12? That was an episode with just about everything — everything except a banishment.
In the most extraordinary, unprecedented and exciting round table of all time, the producers were left dusting down the Traitors rulebook as, after two rounds of voting, the players were still deadlocked. Who will be kicked out of the castle after an episode dominated by Joe squared? It could be David Olusoga, whom Joe Wilkinson thinks has too many opinions all of a sudden, or Mark Bonnar, whom Joe Marler thinks is overacting. Everyone else has fallen in behind their favourite Joe’s theory, and now we have to wait to decide which element of “chance” will be evoked to decide their fate.
As far as I can see, this is new territory in the British game (although it has happened in international versions). We could have some sort of straw-drawing, picking a coloured stone from a bag or maybe a good old game of rock, paper, scissors to look forward to on Thursday night. Like a penalty shootout in the World Cup final, for those invested in either team the loser will feel cheated, but for the rest of us, this is box-office television.
Before we rank our players, let us quickly return to the beginning of the show, when our dastardly traitors murdered poor Charlotte Church. No real surprises there because she is a dangerous faithful and it wouldn’t add fuel to any theories against them —if anything, it took heat off Jonathan Ross. David looks to be in banishment hell and Kate Garraway really doesn’t seem a threat to anyone, so that was a smart play.
Charlotte Church has been murdered by the traitors
BBC/STUDIO LAMBERT/EUAN CHERRY
Out in the field, today’s challenge had our players hard at it, trying to earn more cash for charity by answering questions about their dearly departed players. Clearly Stephen Fry felt it was his right, perhaps his duty, to keep reminding us how “grotesque” the challenges were. Some might say this commentary is becoming a touch old. Not me. The result: Alan Carr and Mark whooping with delight as they were scooped up in nets, Jonathan revealing he remembers what people say to him in interviews and a shield-fest for faithfuls and traitors alike with Nick Mohammed, Jonathan, Lucy Beaumont and David all protected from the next murder (whenever that happens; Thursday could be a bloodbath).
As the round table approached, it became the Joe W and Joe M Show (my two top-rated players in episode four) as they veered away from the Big Dog Theory to gun for David and Mark. Although Joe M believes Jonathan is “the head of the snake” still, he is inexplicably now trying to bring down Mark first. Joe W’s looking for the quiet ones and is zeroed in on poor David, who was like a historian in the headlights as these big personalities fired senseless theories at him.
In Traitorsland, Cat Burns has for the first time begun to look a little vulnerable and somehow Jonathan, “the cat with nine lives”, has, as I predicted last week, managed to avoid being slated at the round table in any serious way and will live to fight at least a few more days, it seems. And Alan, well, Alan is in his element. Let’s move on to those all-important ratings.
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Alan Carr
Rating: 9.1
This is Alan’s highest rating since he entered the game. But what can I say? The Chatty Man is smashing it as a traitor. It seems like a lifetime ago that he was flustered and flushed, necking rosé in the bar and hoping it would all go away. Alan has kept his cool and seems to be in total control of his game. “To be sitting there outwitting Stephen Fry, it’s like beating Albert Einstein at chess or Cluedo,” he told us at breakfast. Adding, “I was so nervous when Claudia squeezed my shoulder blade and now I just love being a traitor.” What is more, after seeing off Clare Balding, who was perhaps the most likely to build a narrative against him, Alan really isn’t a suspect. In fact, he’s one of Joe Marler’s “hundies”, which means the big player is 100 per cent sure he’s a faithful. We know he’s 100 per cent wrong. Alan could win this. I’m starting to think he could go all the way.
Nick Mohammed
BBC/STUDIO LAMBERT/CODY BURRIDGE/MATT BURLEM
Rating: 8.7
Nick’s stock is rising. After a period of bedding in and hiding his light under a bushel, we are starting to hear more from Nick, but what he says and how he says it make him seem non-threatening. It helps that he still hasn’t introduced any strong theories, so doesn’t look like a master manipulator, despite the players knowing just how clever he is. In private, Nick is on to one of the traitors and he has an inkling Cat might be part of the murderous trio, but he knows now is not the time to strike — and wisely he has kept that to himself. For now he guns for “dithering” Kate, which is a well-trodden path and shouldn’t arouse suspicion. He has a shield, so he is destined to live on — but he will need to be careful when he brings up Cat’s name.
Lucy Beaumont
Rating: 8.5
As every episode goes on, Lucy becomes a louder voice but without appearing to be trying to draw attention or lead the group. No one thinks she is a traitor and the traitors don’t see her disarming act as a threat to their gameplay at the moment. She is a subscriber to the Big Dog Theory invented by the Joes and feels that if Stephen weren’t a traitor, surely he would have been killed by the dark side by now. She is wrong, but the idea isn’t so crazy that it’s arousing suspicion. In the end she doubled down on Mark and so will come out of this episode with no real enemies. She’s one to watch as the rest of the players fight it out among themselves.
Joe Wilkinson
Rating: 8.4
Like Lucy, Joe plays a little dumb when he’s in the group, relying on humour and silliness to avoid too much confrontation. He has stepped up a few gears in the past two episodes. Emboldened by his friend and confidant, the other Joe, he is now much more vocal in his theories and finger-pointing. Joe, like Nick, has started to suspect that Cat could be a traitor because of her voting patterns at the round table, and although he has not pulled hard on this thread, this could be both good and bad for him in the future. This week, though, he led the charge against David, which is the anti-traitor theory. Depending on who goes at the round table, this might end up with him looking a bit dodgy if David is revealed to be a faithful. For now, he has momentum.
Cat Burns
Rating: 8.3
Are we finally starting to see some weaknesses in Cat? Until now she has remained almost above suspicion and appeared to be the most dangerous traitor, with a ruthless streak that we suspect she may unleash on Jonathan and Alan at any moment. However, staying under the radar for so long and never following the crowd in the voting has put her in the spotlight, and several players have her down as a potential suspect. Nick has private suspicions and Joe W has been public. Under duress Kate mentioned her name, but perhaps most notably, Mark made it clear how quiet she had been at the round table by asking her opinion. This was noticed by everyone. Her response seemed a little flustered and lacked conviction. She repeated the Big Dog Theory, but it all seemed a bit half-hearted. She may need to sacrifice another traitor soon or she could end up being exposed.
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Joe Marler
:BBC/STUDIO LAMBERT/EUAN CHERRY
Joe Marler
Rating: 8.2
It’s been a journey for Joe, from unassuming funny man to traitor-hunter in chief. The gloves are off and he is going to catch a traitor, no matter how many cages he has to rattle. He wants to pick them off one by one and although he seems to know deep down that Jonathan is a traitor, he has been distracted again, this time by chasing Mark. When it becomes clear that Mark was a faithful, Joe’s bold pursuit of this non-traitor could make people think again about his status in the game. Likewise, the traitors might now think he is becoming too loud to be allowed. Joe could still have a way to run, but he has to perhaps tone it down a bit.
Celia Imrie
Rating: 8.1
After stealing the past few shows with farts and one-liners about pussies in wells, Celia Imrie had a slightly less eventful fifth episode but still managed to offer a lot of value through her occasional commentary and knowing looks from afar. She remains suspicious of Jonathan (with good reason) and doubled down on that tonight. But she seems not to have enough influence yet to carry the crowd with her. She ended up having the casting vote and took David to the tie-break, but Celia remains a dark horse in this contest. She isn’t suspected by many people and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Her biggest issue will be being murdered should the traitors hope to cause panic across the group by eliminating a national treasure.
Stephen Fry
BBC/STUDIO LAMBERT/EUAN CHERRY
Rating: 7.8
He’s the leader of the faithfuls, but some people think he’s the leader of the traitors. The gloves are starting to come off around the much-loved national treasure as the game goes on. Joe M has been clear that Stephen is being overlooked “because he’s Stephen” and Mark pointed out that Stephen does seem to lead the round tables. Now we at home know this is simply because he’s an awfully helpful man, but to the faithful it is all starting to look a bit shady. Lucy agrees that Stephen is a big influence and the other big dog, Jonathan, is happy to stir the pot and sow seeds of doubt. Stephen is relying on honesty and integrity as his defence, but admits he would suspect himself. The clouds are starting to form around Sir Stephen and we could soon see his day come at the round table if they can’t catch a traitor elsewhere.
Jonathan Ross
Rating: 5.1
He seemed to be a dead man walking a few episodes ago, but through a mix of luck and judgment he has weathered a couple of storms and is still in it. He remains under suspicion from many of the group, not least the vocal Joe Marler and respected Celia, but they all keep getting sidetracked and aren’t bringing the theory home. Jonathan won friends in today’s challenge by getting two questions correct and added weight to the David suspicion. When challenged at the round table he seemed a little more composed than last time, but still doesn’t look comfortable in his defence. Surely, but surely the faithfuls will at some point realise that he is the puppet master and they are being played. Maybe an increasingly uneasy Cat will help to push that theory along.
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Kat Garraway
EUAN CHERRY/BBC
Kate Garraway
Rating: 4.1
What can you say about Kate? She was an early suspect because she was “an old ham” but since then has kind of bumbled along, not really being drawn and occasionally being the butt of the joke. She is still a figure of suspicion and both Nick and Mark voted for her at the round table, citing her lack of input as a reason to be suspicious. It’s hard to see how she gets out of this loop. You can’t help but think at some point she is either banished as the faithfuls thrash around hoping to find an under-the-radar traitor, or the traitors kill her off to cause mild chaos as the faithfuls try to work out who would do that and why.
Mark Bonnar
Rating: 2.0
It was an episode of two parts for Mark. The first was fun, as he bounced up and down in a net singing Take the High Road; the second, really not pleasant at all, as he became public enemy No 1 and in the sights of traitor-hunter Joe Marler. Mark has been a suspect since the funeral of Paloma Faith and his reaction to Clare’s exit just ramped things up. When challenged, Mark didn’t do himself any favours at the round table — he became more animated and agitated, which only helped his accusers to double down on their theory. He wears his heart on his sleeve and he is telling the truth. But even if he survives the tied round table, he is going to have a target on his back. Surely he’s in his final act.
David Olusoga
Rating: 2.0
Poor old David. He’s a historian of great intellect who likes to analyse data before explaining his theory. However, surrounded by comedians and actors, he is being accused of being a traitor because he’s not loud enough. What do they expect him to do? Go head-to-head in a comedy rap battle with Alan Carr? No one said this game was fair and it’s not, because he’s on the brink of being ejected. Joe W has been leading the charge against him and his defence at the round table was the stronger of the two. He’s right: it makes no sense that when everyone was gunning for Mark he would decide that now was the time to pounce. Perhaps if he survives, people will remember this good reasoning. But I doubt it. He will soon be history one way or another.
Banished
• Clare Balding
• Tameka Empson
• Niko Omilana
Murdered
• Charlotte Church
• Ruth Codd
• Tom Daley
• Paloma Faith
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