Relationship lingo today is littered with terms that reflect the (anxious and avoidant) attachment issues of the younger generation. So, just when you thought you’ve caught up with “ghosting” – abruptly cutting off communication and “love bombing” – frequently bestowing affection, especially in the early stages of the relationship, you’ve now got to contend with “banksying”, named after the famous English street artist and political activist Banksy (which is a pseudonym).
Much like the artist’s style of working where he creates his art unannounced, after which he disappears and leaves people puzzled, in relationships, the terms refers to behaviour where one individual slowly pulls out of a relationship before entirely cutting contact. A sneakier, and more toxic cousin of ghosting, it could affect anyone from couples who have been dating for a few months to those in long, committed relationships.
“Banksying is an avoidant technique to address a break up, where only one person is aware of the fact that they don’t want to continue with the relationship,” says Ayushi Kenia, a Mumbai-based psychologist. Elaborating further, she adds, “In this situation, only one person is strategizing, planning, taking into account important factors of the relationship… it is a one-sided operation. The other person is naturally blindsided since there’s a facade of kindness, but truly, the initiator is protecting only their emotions.”
Analysing it’s psychological effects, Mumbai-based psychologist Jenisha Shah says, banksying can leave one (the one at the receiving end) shocked. This is mainly because of confusing behaviour. “There may be be signs that the relationship is nearing an end but they are not ominous,” Shah notes.
This type of behaviour enables the person who initiates it to emotionally detach before they end the relationship. Tough conversations aren’t easy, nor is emotional accountability. “This type of behaviour talks more to the mental health of the initiator,” Kenia says. However, this makes things ambiguous for the person who’s at the receiving end. “It doesn’t give them time or space for closure,” Kenia says. Banksying doesn’t leave space for a conversation on the lines of what the couple could’ve done to make things better as a team. “As a result, the person (receiver) ends up pointing fingers at themselves and feelings of self-doubt crop up. It also sows seeds of mistrust in them, and makes it difficult for them to be trusting in a new relationship they might enter into,” she adds.
RED FLAGS TO WATCH OUT FOR
It might be hard to predict someone’s behaviour, sure. However, there are signs you can watch out for to figure out if the other person is planning on “pulling a banksy” on you. For instance, their responses to your messages checking in on a plan to meet get vague. “Their response is something on the lines of, ‘Let’s see,’ or ‘I’m not sure of my schedule,’ and this type of messaging becomes frequent,” Shah says. “Or, they are hanging out more and more with their friends without including you. While having a social life outside of dating or a relationship is healthy, if the incidence of your partner avoiding or not including you in their outing with friends is frequent, it is a red flag,” she adds.
Another sign to watch out for is when your partner or the person you’ve been dating doesn’t engage in deeper conversations about their intimate life, family or friends and are content with superficial talk. “Another thing that should have your radar up is when they set boundaries like, ‘Hey, don’t call me at night,’ or, ‘Never ask where I am going.’ Boundaries like these suddenly cropping up is definitely a red flag,” notes Kenia adding, “These signs indicate that it might be time to confront them.”
According to Kenia, this behaviour highlights the psychological vulnerability and unresolved issues of the initiator. “They might be one of those people who always tend to avoid confrontations or aren’t sure what they want in a relationship or don’t know how to regulate their feelings,” she explains. So what do you if you have been at the receiving end of banksying? Seeking psychotherapy is a good idea.
“Of course it isn’t as easy and straight a path. Seeking emotional and psychological support after an experience such as banksying is difficult where trusting anyone with your emotionally intimate details might become a challenge. Additionally processing that experience would take some time, in view of the suddenness of it all,” Kenia says. However, seeking therapy is a good first step as it provides an open space for the individual to express, emote, acknowledge and understand the experience in a healthy manner.
Sumitra Nair is an independent journalist based in Kochi.