Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am a medical student in my 30s. I live with my boyfriend, “John,” who is a registered nurse. Neither of us have student loans or debt other than our credit card. My father still helps me with expenses—not a lot, but I have always had an “allowance.” John pays for all the house expenses, as I don’t really “work.” I do part-time side jobs, but I do pay for most of the groceries and take care of the house. We talk about marriage all the time, and once I work in a hospital, I know I will be making the same or more than him. But there’s a problem.

He spends a lot. By a lot, I mean he is OK with spending $100 or more on a pair of shoes twice a month. Or a $300 watch. While I do know that this is normal spending, I am stingy.

When we marry, I would like to keep our money semi-separate. He always complains about spending too much and wanting to save more, and he has a big savings. I do not. He makes me try to find ways to save more money, get cheaper house items, etc, while he doesn’t cut costs on his personal expenses. And in the long run I do not want to argue about his spending versus me being a cheapo. How do I mention this without him throwing in my face that he pays for everything right now? Is having a joint bank account the meaning of love?

—Save Every Buck

Dear Save Every Buck,

I wonder if John is low-key tired of paying for all of your living expenses while you just buy groceries and do chores. Perhaps that’s why he keeps harping on your spending. Am I saying it’s fair or the right way for him to address it? No—it’s actually pretty crappy. But the current setup doesn’t seem to be working for either of you right now.

I would like you to sit down, pull up all your credit card and bank statements from the past few months, add up all of your money, and see where it is going. (An app like Mint can help with the sorting.) What’s eating up the allowance and side-gig incomes? Does John see you being wasteful with your money when you could be helping more? Or are you busy paying for tuition and books, and he fails to recognize that?

If you feel you are in the right and are being mindful with your spending, sit with John and tell him that you love him but not the approach he is taking with you and your finances. In an effort to work together, you would like to get started with having a money date night, so you can get on the same page financially and work together as a team. You can also discuss the idea of moving forward with getting a joint account while keeping your own separate ones. Even if you realize there are places where you could scale back your spending, it’s still a good idea to have this conversation with him. You both have different strengths you can bring to the table, and you’ll be better off having these hard discussions now and figuring out how you want to more forward financially as a couple.

—Athena Valentine

From: My Mother-In-Law Blew All Her Money And Now Wants Her Kids To Support Her. (June 21st, 2021).

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My uncle nearly lost all of his retirement fund on a bad investment and lives in extremely limited income while doing odd jobs. His wife has never worked. They have one child who lives with them and works in a low-wage administrative job. My cousin likes to buy designer clothes and luxuries that she couldn’t afford. She never contributes to the bills, not even groceries. My aunt encourages and defends her, while my uncle is silent. His siblings periodically send them money to help pay the bills, but as they get older and retire themselves, the amount sent keeps getting smaller. My father has asked if I’d be willing to send some money for uncle, as I am financially comfortable. I don’t want to. I live within my means and don’t want to subsidize my cousin’s unsustainable lifestyle. But on the other hand, it’s clear that my uncle is feeling the pressure of his dire financial situation. Should I help my uncle anyway?

—The Responsible Cousin

Dear Responsible,

Help! I Don’t Approve of My Parents’ Lifestyle. They Don’t Want to Hear It.


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It’s unclear from your letter how old your luxury aficionado cousin is, and I think that has a little bearing on my answer. Younger people often spend on things they can’t afford because they’re markers of status and they think it’s important to their social lives and so on. As they get older and accumulate more adult responsibilities, they think about saving and providing for others. So if we’re talking about a cousin somewhere in her early 20s, I’d cut her some slack. If she’s older than that, I think she does have some responsibility to at least pay her share of the bills.

As for what you owe: Technically speaking, you don’t owe anyone anything. But unless your uncle is buying designer clothes for your cousin (and it doesn’t sound that’s what’s happening), let’s be clear: You’d be subsidizing your uncle and his wife, not your cousin’s lifestyle. If your cousin eats their groceries, well, she’d probably do that even if she lived nearby and was just visiting.

So this is really about whether you want to help your uncle and his wife. Your cousin’s low-wage administrative job is unlikely to support them in any case. You’re certainly not obligated to help, but you should leave your cousin out of this calculation.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: I Want To Cut Off My Stepson, And Give Money To The Woman He Had An Affair With. (July 14th, 2021).

More Money Advice From Slate

I have a friend who’s always been a little cheap with shared checks. If I throw my card down for ease and let people Venmo me, he’ll pay me, like, a conservative estimate of his portion (often short of the real total) and also not take tax or tip into account. I always kind of forget about this until he does it again. A few months ago, he estimated $25 when he owed me $40, and I was like, “Bro,” and he seemed perplexed and gave me the $40. I tell you all this because on our last hangout, it was just us, and during our conversation about his current joblessness, he reluctantly revealed he is an heir to one of the biggest family fortunes in America.

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