It was earlier in the week that Gordon D’Arcy wrote about the “apocalyptic” narrative now surrounding this Irish team, almost like if you’re not shoo-ins for the Grand Slam you must be in the running for the Wooden Spoon. And there being nothing in between.
You would, of course, have been hoping for a bit more buoyancy than that when coverage of our boys’ trip to Paris kicked off, but after five-ish minutes you had a notion that horsemen Antoine Dupont, Matthieu Jalibert, Louis Bielle-Biarrey and Thomas Ramos were about to inflict nothing but pestilence, famine, war, death and the like on our Six Nations dreams.
Conor Murray, making his Virgin Media debut, was a lonely voice. “I’m optimistic,” he told Joe Molloy. “Someone’s got to be.”
But that’s kind of where the hopefulness ended.
Joe: “I have yet to meet a single person who isn’t in the brace position ahead of this game.”
Rob Kearney: “You talk to people on the street and it’s ‘how much are we going to lose by?’”
Shane Horgan, in fairness to him, tried heroically to be upbeat: “I refuse to lose optimism before a ball is kicked” – but we were hardly another 10-ish minutes into the build-up when he ran out of reasons for why France would probably muller us.
“Why are we so scared tonight,” Joe asked him. “I don’t want to add to your anxiety,” said Shane, “but…”.
As buts go, this one was the size of the Burj Khalifa.
Ireland’s Caelan Doris passes to Jamison Gibson-Park as he is tackled by France’s Oscar Jegou. Photograph: Inpho
“France have all the components for almost the perfect rugby team. They’ve got a really strong pack, good set-piece, very strong scrum, great ball-carriers, and they’re the fastest team in the world on the wings. They’ve got a fullback who is a kicking machine, doesn’t miss, and then you’ve got the two link players who are borderline geniuses, Dupont and Jalibert.”
Joe: “Aside from that?”
Hats off to Virgin Media’s defiant viewers, though. They were having none of this negativity. “Who will win the Six Nations,” asked the poll. They put Ireland second in the running, but the fact that they made Italy firm favourites, with 36 per cent of the vote, made you wonder if drink had been taken.
Spare a thought for Wales, incidentally – they registered zero in the poll, not even Angharad from Aberystwyth nor Dai from Deganwy bothering to acquire a VPN so they could breathe even one per cent of fire into their dragons.
The one small relief pre-match was Conor’s highly absorbing insight to the Sam Prendergast v Jack Crowley debate, him having been in the room when Andy Farrell oft purred at Sam’s take on the game and how he sees it. If anyone had any sense, they’d give that man a column in a newspaper.
But it was largely gloom otherwise. “Is anyone feeling more positive as kick-off approaches,” asked Joe. Silence. Followed by a couple of “ehs”. “What’s a good night for Ireland, then,” he wondered. By now we were beginning to think: getting out alive. It was all bringing a whole new meaning to ‘see Paris and die’.
Anthems. Ireland’s Call 0, La Marseillaise 426.
Ireland stand for the national anthem before the Six Nations game in Paris. Photograph: Ben Brady
Off we went. “Spring has arrived,” said Dave McIntyre. Wait ’til he gets home and discovers he needs a gondola to get to the shops for a loaf of bread.
That first half? Well, okay, apocalyptic. ITV’s first in-game ad, on 17 minutes, was actually quite a welcome distraction, at least your eyes were briefly averted from what Alan Quinlan called “carnage”. By then France were doing their – technical jargon alert – flicky no-look passes and strutting about the place like cockerels.
When we returned to Joe at the break, he had to clear his throat before conceding that “it’s turned out about as badly as we might have expected”. He tried to temper that assessment by adding “Ireland haven’t been terrible”, which was a warm tribute to their efforts, but his panel were, on the whole, ashen-faced. “It’s a scary place for Ireland to be,” said Shane.
But hold your horses and quivering lower lips right there. The second half was a scary place for France to be, Ireland drew it 14-14. Granted, that wasn’t actually enough to triumph in the game, but less of your apocalypse natter, please, and tuck away your Wooden Spoon. They saw Paris and, yes, lost quite heavily, but they live to fight another day. Best of all, they never have to see Paris again in this year’s Six Nations.