This ties into what Dr. Manser refers to as “narcissistic extension”: “It’s the idea that narcissists see their kids not as independent people, but as reflections [or extensions] of themselves.” In other words, if their daughter does well in school, it reinforces their social image: I’m a great person. I raised a winner. People will admire me. On the flip side, deviating from perfection—not landing the lead in a school play or getting hormonal acne—registers as a personal humiliation rather than an inevitable part of growing up and being human. So in that upbringing, excelling stops being about achievement or passion—it becomes a survival strategy to earn love and approval.
5. You carry extreme guilt.
This isn’t about feeling bad over actual mistakes. We’re talking about feeling guilt for simply existing.
“Narcissist parents are often inconvenienced by their children and will communicate it with language like, ‘Oh, you always ask for so much from me,’ or ‘After everything I’ve done for you,’” Dr. Durvasula points out. Over time, ordinary needs—help with homework, comfort when you’re sick, reassurance after a bad day—can be treated as unreasonable. What’s more, “you also may feel guilty for even thinking any ‘bad’ thoughts about your parents,” Dr. Durvasula adds—convincing yourself, “At least they fed me,” or “I’m such an ungrateful daughter.”
Part of what makes this dynamic especially hard is that narcissism tends to be a stable personality structure, not a temporary phase, according to both experts. Meaning, unless they have an unusual level of self-awareness or a genuine motivation to change, “narcissists are probably not going to,” says Dr. Durvasula, who works with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse. Generally speaking, “this is who they are.”
So when it comes to healing your inner child, the process becomes less about “fixing” your mom and dad, and more about adjusting your expectations. For some, that might mean reducing in-person family visits to holidays and birthdays only or keeping certain topics (your dating life, your career) off-limits. Essentially, “you learn new rules of engagement, so it’s not always about completely cutting them off,” Dr. Durvasula says—though in certain cases, no contact can be the healthiest option, too.
While you can acknowledge and be grateful for what your parents provided, it’s equally important—and okay—to be honest about what was missing. Those truths, experts remind us, aren’t mutually exclusive, even if you were raised to believe they were.
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