How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years, and have both been interested in trying out a threesome. I found a trans girl who I liked and he seemed to like her as well and we went forward with it, but things didn’t turn out how I hoped and he only paid attention to her and not to me. I also seem to have developed an infatuation with her that I do not believe is reciprocated (she said she was bisexual but I suspect she might not be into cis women, or possibly just not into me).
My boyfriend and I talked about things afterwards and he apologized but I still can’t help but have these constant memory flashbacks to him pretty much ignoring me the whole time. The whole thing just feels like a series of constant humiliations and I’m not really sure what to do. Our relationship felt solid as a rock before and now I’m not sure if I should break up with him over something that was my idea in the first place. How can I get over it? Should I?
—I Hate It Here
Dear I Hate It Here,
Your boyfriend’s behavior was not ideal. Three-way sex is an occasion to experience two other people at the same time. While it would be unreasonable to expect a precisely equal division of someone’s attention, everyone should roughly aim for it (unless otherwise discussed, or if it’s already written into one’s dynamic like in a dom/sub or cucking scenario). Your boyfriend should not have focused on the new girl at your expense. That falls short of the level of care one could reasonably expect from their partner, but it’s also bad strategy: That kind of behavior can make one’s partner more wary of threesomes/groups in the future. Assuming that he wants to keep having these kinds of experiences, his desire left him shortsighted.
Ultimately you will have to decide whether you want to tolerate this or not. He let you down and you have every right to draw the line right there and break up with him. But let me give you an argument for forgiveness. This is the first time you’ve experienced this kind of sexual scenario with him. Not everything could be planned out in advance, not even his own response. Now that he knows how detrimental focusing entirely on the third can be, he’ll be much better informed for next time. Novelty is extremely attractive to people and so you can allow some grace here; perhaps his behavior was less a rejection of you than it was an attraction to that which he had not yet tasted. And if he had a good time, you could find some solace in compersion—that is poly culture’s word for the pleasure you take in your partner’s pleasure in connecting with others. That requires you to deprioritize your ego for the sake of his enjoyment. To be clear, that is a big task and not everyone is up to it. It’s not an obligation. You can rest on the injury his behavior caused you. But if you want to be understanding, you can forgive this. Maybe in a conversation you even mention that you did consider breaking up with him over this so that he understands the degree to which he hurt you and what the stakes are. This could be something that actually brings you closer together, but you should ask yourself now if closer is actually what you want with this guy.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 35-year-old woman (with some genderqueer tendencies) and I identify somewhere under the asexual umbrella. I had a religious upbringing that created a lot of internalized shame and stigma around sex. It was easy to chalk up my lack of experience to my asexuality for a long time. But, happily, I can now say that I’ve done away with a LOT of that internalized shame, accept my asexuality with a lot more inner peace, and also have a robust solo sex life. Bonus points for having vaginismus that I have successfully improved a LOT through good solo play. I like trying new toys and experiments but have never had partnered sex and I’ve never really been into dating, either.
Which leads me to my dilemma: As a curious, sexually playful person, I do kind of want to have a partnered sexual experience. It seems like it could be fun, and while I don’t experience spontaneous sexual desire with others, I would be absolutely willing to use an app to make that initial connection. But what do I say to my potential partner? Should I be completely up front and admit this is a kind of experiment for me, that they are in some ways a new “toy” (albeit one which I have a very high degree of respect for, and will be safe and pursue active consent with!)?
Is that hot to people? Is it OK for me to say I want to skip the date and just get together to fool around a bit? I’m also open to any gendered partner, but do feel I would be more comfortable/feel safer with another woman or someone who is also genderqueer in some way. Which leads to my next question: Am I being a complete fool for even considering this in the age of prolific herpes and mutating syphilis? Is my little experiment (that I COULD live without but I am so curious for!) worth it? And if so, what should I do to make sure it’s really safe?
—Asexual and Curious
Dear Asexual and Curious,
There are people who relish showing the ropes to the inexperienced. There are people who love being toys. There are tons of people who don’t require a date before jumping in the sack (or ever for that matter). It shouldn’t surprise you to hear that the more specific you are in profiles/chats, the narrower of a net you’re casting, but that’s a good thing. Let the people who are looking for something different (like a long term relationship) filter themselves out. You’re better off avoiding someone entirely than meeting with someone who isn’t on the same page. That can make for an extremely awkward experience, or, even worse, it can make for a painful estrangement when it’s clear that differing goals and priorities will prevent an initial spark from becoming an eternal flame. Putting things out there upfront saves everyone time and it streamlines the process of finding a suitable partner. You can absolutely request that said partners be women or genderqueer. I think the app you’re looking for is Feeld, though there are plenty of other places (like match.com and okcupid.com) that will accommodate such a profile and potentially put you in touch with likeminded people.
You are not a complete fool for being sexually curious. A lot of the casual sex that even allo people have isn’t strictly necessary. It’s fun and a novel way of connecting with people. It can function as a hobby or provide stress relief. Yes, there is a risk of transmission of at least something with most sexual activity, but there’s also a risk of death when you leave the house, or even if you don’t. Life will get you one way or another. Safety measures, like condoms, dental dams, asking for your partner’s recent STI test results, etc. really help, but they aren’t 100 percent effective. That’s why some time ago, “safer sex” became the preferred way those in the know refer to what others call “safe sex.”
If you want to be as risk-free as possible, by all means, keep to yourself. But life is for living and I think sex is worth the risk. Hopefully you will have some that’s good enough to convince you of the same. But as you are already aware, if you don’t, it’s no big deal.
Have Your Own Story to Share With How to Do It?
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!
Dear How to Do It,
I often find my mind wandering during sex. I’ll start myself involuntarily thinking about other things like chores or responsibilities I still need to get to, or even just my surroundings, random noises, and other things happening in our vicinity. Are there any good tricks for bringing yourself back to the moment and keep from getting distracted? Or is it a sign that the sex just isn’t good enough?
—Somewhere Else
Dear Somewhere Else,
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Attempting to make out the bigger picture here is wise. Your wandering mind could, in fact, be telling you something about the sex you are having, your connection with your partner(s), or the lack thereof. Here you can ask yourself: “Is this the kind of sex I want to be having?” That is, are there certain objective truths about the hotness/skill involved in the sex you are having that makes your inability to focus discordant? The answers may not come easy and they may not be entirely revealing, for that matter. Sometimes you connect with someone who seems objectively perfect on paper but the sex just doesn’t hit for ineffable reasons many would chalk up to chemistry. You may not be able to work this out entirely in your head, but it is certainly worth a try.
I believe that the kind of sex that you can get lost in and enter that pleasurable flow state is sex to aspire to. In terms of bringing yourself back into the present moment, I think meditation could really help you out here, as part of the practice (especially when you are new to it) involves repeatedly guiding your focus back from your mind’s distractions. You are mindful that you want to focus on one particular thing (a mantra, your breathing, nothingness) and when you realize that your mind is wandering, you consciously move it back to the target. This can happen over and over again in a session, but the eventual effect is to make it easier to focus, as well as noting and ignoring that which doesn’t serve you. For more of my tips on meditating, see this previous column.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 50-something male in a phenomenal relationship with a 40-something woman. After dating for several years, our sex life has evolved to a place where we indulge all of our consensual desires, which involve bondage and domination with some intense sadistic elements, inflicted by me. The issue is that I want to know why she enjoys pain so much. Should I risk ruining our amazing sex by overanalyzing it? Or should I just sit back and enjoy, hoping I get answers over time?
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