Till Debt Do Us Part
Season 3
Episode 9
Editor’s Rating
2 stars
**
Photo: Bravo
We have seen Brittany’s diet, and it consists of crab boils, Domino’s deliveries, and Taco Bell binges, so it’s not at all surprising that no one on the cast of The Valley seems to be eating apples. That is the only thing that could possibly explain why they are not keeping the doctors away. In fact, they’re running to them. Well, more like hobbling.
Poor Jason. We saw his injury last week (and thanks to my girl Ile-Ife Okantah for filling in while I dealt with the Survivor finale), but how did no one point out that there was a hot paramedic until this episode? How did no one get him to sign a release so he could be on camera? Who is going to post this man to Instagram so that we can all thank him in the most appropriate way that is definitely not sending dick pics and invitations to pool parties? I kind of want to make fun of Jason for injuring himself so badly playing basketball, but that’s what happens in middle age. One minute you’re taking off a sock, the next minute you’re in the emergency room with sciatica. There are plenty of people who get hurt doing even stupider things, like my brother, who decided to learn how to skateboard when he was 35 and had a similar injury. Let’s all make fun of my brother instead. Let me know if you need his number.
It looks like Jason’s recovery is going to be nine months to a year, and he’s worried about how Janet is going to take care of both him and his son while he’s laid up. Say what you want about Janet, but Jason is a real one: always there for his wife, always there for his friends, always there to screw up your game of two-on-two. I was touched when he talked about losing the bond with his son because he can’t play with him and pick him up. Oh, Jason. That you’re even worried about that shows that you’re an excellent father, that the bond is already so strong that some pesky surgery won’t get in the way. You’re still there, every day, being an example, showing him love, putting a bunch of Goldfish in a Ziploc so he’ll have something to eat while Janet drives you both to doctors’ appointments. It’s all those things that add up, tying the two of you together. A knee isn’t going to get in the way.
Brittany’s surgery was elective, but was it? I think there is no election in getting the implants that Jax Taylor paid for out of her body. This should have been state-sponsored. This should have been viewer-sponsored, where we all put in $2.50 and paid for the surgery so that Brittany doesn’t have to owe that man a single thing for the rest of her life. Seeing Kristen and Zack take care of her afterwards — from taking selfies as she’s passed out under anesthesia to watching them cart her up a single flight of stairs — just shows the strength of her support. The scenes were silly and touching, but I almost cried when Lala told her at the crab boil, “I’m excited for you to feel the way we all see you.” Exactly! I hope Brittany really gets that and, if not, at least she can lie down and see over her tits.
Speaking of Lala, the big drama of the episode is what to do with Darkside Danny. Kristen and Zack pull Nia for a chat at Kristen’s, where they tell her Lala and Brittany’s concerns, and Nia gets worked up, while bouncing a baby in a backpack that is on the front (a frontpack?). Nia makes some excellent points, mainly that everyone gets wasted all the time and acts a fool, so why is everyone always pointing Danny out?
Yes, everyone gets drunk and acts crazier than Mary Todd Lincoln coming off her medication, but there is something about the way Danny does it. Nia mentions Zack and Brittany and how they get drunk, and, yes, they’re both emotional messes. But Zack and Brittany take it out on their friends or take it out on anyone who gets in their way. Danny seems to get drunk and take it out on women. Either he’s accosting Jasmine and Melissa, creeping out Janet in the pantry, or yelling at his wife in ways that are entirely inappropriate. So, yes, there is a difference, and while Zack getting blitzed and yelling at the top of his lungs might destabilize the group, Danny getting wasted and targeting women could make all of the women in the group feel uncomfortable.
When Nia confronts Danny about this, he says that maybe he has to stop drinking around “the friend group,” and I think this is a very good idea. Nia and Danny’s big issue seems to be that everyone is insinuating that Danny has a drinking problem. I don’t think that is the case. However, Danny’s drinking does cause problems, as is clear over the last two seasons of the show. Does he need AA? No. But he probably needs to keep getting wasted either off camera, at home, or with the boys only, unless they want this to be an issue for as long as they’re in front of a camera.
I’m a bit conflicted where Lala comes into this whole thing. I think that Lala was right to speak up to Danny on the cast trip when he was being such an asshole to Nia, but I don’t know about trying to rope Kristen, Zack, and the rest of the group into how she feels. She made what was a her problem (and a Nia problem) and turned it into a group problem, which is what ended up hurting Jasmine, Janet, and Jason last season. Also, Jasmine is correct that the group seems to be taking Lala’s concerns with Danny and Nia much more seriously than they took her issues with him, and her sitdown with Kristen was necessary, as was her saying that maybe the reason is that she’s gay and Black.
Regardless of why they’re paying more attention to her, Lala was right to express to Nia that she doesn’t like how Danny talks to her and to offer her help or support should she want to address those issues. But, as always, Nia says she has talked to Danny about it, they have therapy and communicate often, and she’s good.
There are two different lines of questioning here. There is one about Nia in her relationship with Danny, which is what Lala says her problem is. If Nia says she’s good in her relationship, even if everyone thinks he treats her like shit, then they need to back off. Nia says she doesn’t have a problem, which means she doesn’t have a problem. End of story. The other is about Danny and how he treats the group or acts on group occasions, and, yes, that is still everyone’s concern. If they ever want this criticism to stop, then Danny needs to do something about it other than “apologizing and taking accountability.” There are only so many times he can get drunk, be a jerk, and then apologize for it before everyone is sick of that particular pattern. All I know is that I really want it to end because Danny being a dick can’t be the only storyline on this here television program.
Luckily, this week we have Michelle to save us from the curse of the Baccos. She goes on a Runyon Canyon hike with Lala (the paved way is so far superior to scrambling up those dusty-ass hills) and says that Jesse took out a small business loan during COVID for $300,000, put the money in his bank account, spent it all, and now she is on the hook for half of that money. She says he can’t come up with the $15,000 that is his portion of the down payment, and that he couldn’t even cough up the $200 a month that they each have to pay for their daughter’s health insurance. Is Lacy really paying for everything just so that she can be on this show? That has to be the most expensive reality show audition I’ve ever heard of.
The final scene of the episode is a stroke of reality television genius so profound that I don’t think Michelle came up with it on her own. A much more expert practitioner of the reality television arts and sciences had to weigh in. Did she call Scheana Shay (say her name three times, and she’ll appear) and ask for a consult? Did she meet Lindsay Hubbard at BravoCon, and has she been secretly training her by Zoom for the past season? Did she summon the spirit of Tamra Barney Judge when sitting down in a café with her ex-husband? Something is different.
Michelle says that she really wants to be divorced from Jesse and doesn’t know why he’s stalling. Jesse says that he’s not stalling, that they just don’t have papers to sign. This is when she does the move. She says, “We do have papers to sign.” She leans down, snatches them out of her Dior dupe, and puts them on the table with a light pat. Jesse has been trapped. Either he signs it, gives up his control over Michelle, and gives her everything she wants, or he refuses to sign it and admits that, yes, he was the problem all along, and he was the one holding up the divorce. Either way, she wins and he loses. Mwah. Chef’s kiss. Excellent maneuver. Scheana, Lindsay, and Tamra are so proud of their coven mate.
Jesse signs and listens to Michelle say, on camera, that she is taking nothing from him. In fact, she is going $150,000 into debt just to get out of his clutches. She tears up that her final gambit worked, that she’s rid of him for good. He tells her this is the most he’s ever seen her cry. She backs up from him for a moment and she thinks of 10-lane highways free of cars, she thinks of the sun in Joshua Tree bleaching a vast expanse, she thinks of the Pacific Ocean, just a couple of miles away, reaching out in all directions like nothingness but, beneath the surface, teaming with fish, plankton, seaweed, whales falling in love and making babies and singing songs that only they can understand. She thinks of the nothingness that lies ahead, and she can’t wait to rush into it. She looks him square in the face and says, “I cry all the time by myself.”
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