Do Not Read This Column in English (unless you are a “historic anglophone”). First, convert to French with Google Translate, then you may read it. Merci.
I often try to tune out minor Quebec language issues: It’s the best way to enjoy life here, where language is rarely an issue unless it’s government-manufactured.
But the current government seems determined to remind me almost every week.
Its latest effort has been trying to bar 27,000 adult and trade school students from studying in English.
Instead, the government wants to force them into a French-only stream, regardless of which language gives them the best chance of graduating, or having a career.
This despite warnings from English school representatives and even sovereignist Québec solidaire members this may discourage many from studying at all, leading to more labour shortages.
I’m all for teaching and encouraging French for new (and old) arrivals, but why must this require continually beating up anglophone institutions and “non-historic” English speakers?
This rushed, unstudied and silly attempt fits the same pattern as the language cops’ attempt to bar “Go Canadiens Go” on buses, which was eventually reversed.
Also, the kerfuffle that ensued after Benoît Dubreuil, Commissioner of the French Language, said two weeks ago that Quebecers should need historical anglo ID proof for the “right” to view government English websites.
Sure. Why not require a secret password only we “historics” would know, like “Piazza Tomasso,” or “Miss Montreal?”
This recommendation was rejected by French Language Minister Jean-François Roberge after more anxiety-producing headlines, and the latest adult-ed/vocational scheme will probably fail, too.
Yet while we waste time on these nerve-racking, often silly battles, Quebec is losing heart surgeons, our roads go to pot(holes) and the unhoused problems soar.
Still, if we must keep inventing silly, anxiety-creating language laws, I have some sillier ones to suggest to create even more anxiety — for everyone!
Bill 301, French-only hours
Our city’s often baffling, unilingual parking signs have scared many motorists from coming to eat in the Plateau.
So let’s frighten people out of using English the same way, by posting street signs saying:
PAS D’ANGLAIS: 7h-11h30 et 14h00-22h00, Mon-Wed-Thur-Fri-Sat-Sun.
Violators will be towed to Rimouski and forced to find their way back in French.
Bonne chance!
Bill 401
The biggest challenge facing French in Montreal is the exodus of francophones leaving for the South Shore and other suburbs.
Obviously, this needs correcting. Under Bill 401, we would limit how many French-speaking Quebecers could permanently leave the city.
Francophones would simply require an exit visa to visit Brossard, valid for 48 hours. Long weekend exceptions would be permitted, but require sworn affidavits promising they would speak French at their chalet.
Perhaps we could even set up border checks when you cross the St. Lawrence River, to make sure you’re returning.
Guard: Purpose of your family leaving the city, Monsieur?
Man: Just a little weekend holiday, officer.
Guard: Then why is there a piano on your car hood, sir? I’m afraid I’ll have to send you back. We’ve reached our departing francophone quota for July.
Try again next month, but maybe forget the piano.
Bill 701
Google Translate and AI are beginning to let everyone easily choose what language they want to communicate in.
These new insta-translation apps will soon allow francophone shop owners to write and even speak in French, while customers can read or listen in English — allowing all to communicate in their best language.
What a miracle — oops, NO! — what a disaster!
We obviously need Bill 701 barring instant translations from French to English. Of course, other languages could be insta-translated as Quebec is very open to non-threatening languages, from Armenian through Swahili.
But French to English is far too dangerous.
My law would also bar “body language” that lets “non-historics” bypass French words without speaking them.
This would be cheating. So Bill 701 would forbid gestures like pointing to chicken breasts at the butcher, simply because you don’t know the word “poitrine.”
Learn French, or eat less.
Bill 10,001
Finally, this law would put curbs on one group that shamelessly and dangerously spreads English in Montreal and Quebec City: American tourists demanding English service and utterly ignoring French.
Honestly, the language cops are harassing Arthurs Nosh Bar for using the Yiddish word “Nosh”, but have they ever sent an inspector to visit a Château Frontenac Hotel concierge who spends all his time speaking English to Americans and none promoting French?
It’s time to chase away these English-speaking tourist menaces and their Yankee unilingual tourist dollars — a paltry $7 billion annually.
Or is English only welcomed when it arrives with a U.S. Visa card and leaves before the first snowfall?
Of course, we could just be open-minded, stop punishing English speakers and start encouraging French, with more language courses and less restrictive policies for immigrants from France and other French-speaking countries.
But that’s just too sensible, hopeful and generous for the current government. It seems to prefer creating anxiety among anglophones in hope of soothing nationalist voters.
Anyway, I’d better stop writing. Somewhere in Quebec City, a civil servant is drafting Bill 10,002: The Protection of French From Sarcastic Newspaper Columns Act.
Historic anglophones will probably be exempt, but only if we remember the secret password.
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