So … we’re well into July. Most of the big offseason action is over. Things are largely quiet. Pierre LeBrun is at his cottage. Most importantly, my editors are exhausted and not paying attention. And longtime readers know what that means.
Welcome to Slow News Summer. It is time to get well and truly weird.
OK, sure, a lot of what we do around here is weird at the best of times. I’ll grant you that. But the dog days of summer? That’s when it’s time to reach down deep on the ideas list. If that’s going to bother you, consider this your fair warning to tag out now, and we’ll see you in September. If you’re the sort of person who likes to post “slow news day?” in the comments, then yes, it absolutely is, so kick rocks. But for everyone else, let’s get weird.
Today’s question: Which combination of syllables can build the all-time best starting lineup from NHL history?
In other words, you count the syllables in both a player’s first and last name, and that’s their team. Wayne Gretzky has one syllable in his first name and two in his second, so he’s the captain of Team 1-2. Mario Lemieux is Team 3-2, Bobby Orr is Team 2-1, and so on.
This should be fun. But first, a few ground rules ™:
• Each team gets two forward lines, two defense pairings and a goaltender. Beyond that, we’re not worried about wingers vs. centers or which way the blueliners shoot.
• We’ll go with whatever a player’s most common name was when they played, which may not be their formal government name. If there’s a dispute to be had about what a player’s “real” name was, we’ll use whatever is on their Hockey-Reference page (with one exception we’ll get to on our very first team).
• We’ll do our best in cases where there could be different pronunciations, but will default to what a typical North American fan would use. If that doesn’t help, we’ll probably just skip the guy, because you should have better things to do than argue about this stuff on a hot summer’s day. (I don’t, but you should.)
• We’re looking at a player’s entire career here, but for closer calls we’ll lean towards a “peak of his powers” view.
This is dumb. I can’t wait.
Family, friends and cows: How one player celebrated the NHL Draft
Peter Baugh and Madison Eades
Team 1-1
Our first team is a challenge, especially up front. We can start with one of the greatest goal-scorers of all time in Brett Hull. But from there, the list starts to dry up quickly.
There’s Steve Shutt, a Hall of Famer with a 60-goal season, and Rick Nash, who won a Rocket Richard. But it’s not long before we’re down to Hall-of-Very-Good names such as Rick Vaive and Tim Kerr. Ken Hodge is there, as are Mark Stone and Shane Doan. But given the talent other teams will have available, that may not be enough. So instead, we’ll reach back to the league’s earlier days to find some HHOF names.
Somewhat oddly, the back end for Team 1-1 is much easier. We’re all set in goal, with options such as Jacques Plante or Glenn Hall being strong enough that we don’t even really need to consider Grant Fuhr. And on the blue line, we can start with a pair of Bruins legends in Ray Bourque and Brad Park before mixing in a modern-day star in Quinn Hughes. The last spot comes down to Mark Howe, Rob Blake or Brent Burns, all solid options.
(One note: Hockey-Reference lists Bourque’s name as Raymond and not Ray, but I’m overruling them. Everyone called him Ray, except for Gary Thorne that one time.)
First line: Brett Hull, Steve Shutt, Rick Nash
Second line: Toe Blake, Syl Apps, Milt Schmidt
First pair: Ray Bourque, Brad Park
Second pair: Quinn Hughes, Mark Howe
Goalie: Jacques Plante
Not bad, and we can ice a third line of the Cook brothers (Bun, Bill and Bud). But it feels like we’ll be able to do better with some of our other combos.
Team 2-1
Now we’re talking. If you were going to make up a classic hockey name, this might be the format you’d use. We get to start with names such as Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr and Bobby Hull, and our top line and top pair are both made up of classic old-time stars. Only nine players in history have won three or more Harts, and we’ve got four of them.
We lose a bit of luster on the second groups, but only a little. This is a very strong entry.
First line: Gordie Howe, Bobby Hull, Bobby Clarke
Second line: Patrick Kane, Adam Oates, Elmer Lach
First pair: Bobby Orr, Eddie Shore
Second pair: Brian Leetch, Duncan Keith
Goalie: Patrick Roy
That’s our clear early leader, but there are some big names still to come.
Just not any time soon, because we need to talk about Team 3-1. Look, you folks know I’m a completionist. But for reasons I’ve never really contemplated until now, there just aren’t many 3-1 names out there, hockey players or otherwise. And I have too much respect for Jonathan Toews to force him to try to drag Evander Kane and Oliver Bonk up and down the ice against rosters of all-time greats.
I went back and forth on this, but once I found myself contemplating Akira Schmid as my goalie, it was clear: Team 3-1 won’t ice a team in this competition. (But if you can come up with a functional roster for them, post it in the comments to win a “clinking beer glasses” emoji from me.)
So having worked our way through the monosyllabic last names, it’s time for a look at the squad that might be our tournament favorite.
Team 1-2
Wayne Gretzky, come on down.
And he won’t be alone. We can give him two of the greatest goal-scoring wingers ever in Mike Bossy and Guy Lafleur. Our second line can feature Ted Lindsay and Joe Sakic, which means we might not even have room for names like Joe Thornton, Ron Francis and Mats Sundin. This team is stacked up front.
And the back end is almost as strong. We can form an old-timer pairing with Doug Harvey and Red Kelly, then roll out a modern one of Chris Pronger and Paul Coffey, which means we’re snubbing guys like Scott Stevens, Shea Weber, Drew Doughty and Cale Makar. Once we casually slide one of the greatest goalies ever into our crease, it’s clear this squad has no weaknesses.
First line: Wayne Gretzky, Mike Bossy, Guy Lafleur
Second line: Joe Sakic, Ted Lindsay, Joe Thornton
First pair: Doug Harvey, Red Kelly
Second pair: Paul Coffey, Chris Pronger
Goalie: Ken Dryden
Team 1-2 looks terrifying. And yet … maybe not unbeatable. Team 2-1 certainly gives them a game, and we’ve got a few teams still to come, including another potential powerhouse in…
Team 2-2
We’ve got plenty to work with here, beginning in goal where the battle between Martin Brodeur and Terry Sawchuk for the starter’s job is so intense we don’t even have to invite names like Henrik Lundqvist and Eddie Belfour to camp. And anyone we put in net shouldn’t have to work too hard, because our blue line starts with Nicklas Lidström and Denis Potvin. (We’re good on “Nicklas” being two syllables, right? I’ve noticed some people slipping an extra one midway through as if he’s a “Nicolas” but I don’t think that’s canon.)
Up front, we can put together a couple of fun lines. Our first is built around Sidney Crosby, and it’s fantastic. The second line might never give up possession. Our forwards are so strong that guys such as Pavel Bure, Eric Lindros and Auston Matthews don’t make the cut on my version.
First line: Sidney Crosby, Rocket Richard, Marcel Dionne
Second line: Jari Kurri, Peter Forsberg, Pavel Datsyuk
First pair: Nicklas Lidström, Denis Potvin
Second pair: Victor Hedman, Erik Karlsson
Goalie: Martin Brodeur
That’s another loaded roster, one that should be able to hang with Team 1-2 and Team 2-1. But we’re not done yet…
Team 3-2
After the disappointment of Team 3-1’s no-show, you might worry this one would be another dud. But then you remember Mario Lemieux exists. And he’s not showing up alone.
In fact, we can ice a fun first line of Penguins legends. The blue line starts strong with Zdeno Chara, before we run into a pronunciation dispute with Boörje Salming. My recollection growing up in Toronto is that most people pronounced it as a distinctly three-syllable name, like “Bor-ee-ya,” but the native Swedish pronunciation seems more subtle. I’m going to err on the side of letting him play, but if any Swedes want to file an official protest in the comments, we’ll get the paperwork started.
The problem is that once we get past those first groups, our lack of depth begins to show. In fact, the options are weak enough that it feels like even Mario won’t be able to lead this group to contention. But then you get to the goalie and … well, maybe this squad can compete with the big kids after all.
First line: Mario Lemieux, Jaromír Jágr, Evgeni Malkin
Second line: Marián Hossa, Sebastian Aho, Miroslav Šatan
First pair: Zdeno Chára, Börje Salming
Second pair: Derian Hatcher, Marc-Édouard Vlasic
Goalie: Dominik Hašek
Now it’s time to wrap back around to our three-syllable last names. I initially wondered if Team 1-3 might run into the same fate as their spiritual cousins from Team 3-1. But let’s just say I didn’t need to worry.
Team 1-3
Yeah, these guys are going to be just fine, especially up front where we’re stacked with Hall of Famers. The blue line features three Norris winners (and would get a fourth if I’d been able to convince myself that “Niedermayer” was three syllables), leaving goal as our only quasi-weakness. Do we have to go with Jake Oettinger, or can we find a Vezina-worthy name to push him to backup duty? It turns out we can.
First line: Jean Béliveau, Stan Mikita, Steve Yzerman
Second line: Mark Messier, Luc Robitaille, Dale Hawerchuk
First pair: Chris Chelios, Al MacInnis
Second pair: Zach Werenski, Pat Stapleton
Goalie: Georges Vezina
Not bad, although the top-to-bottom depth probably keeps them from competing for top spot.
Team 2-3
This was another team I thought might be challenging. Instead, they’re absolutely loaded up front, with maybe the best first line we’ve seen so far and a very strong second unit that doesn’t leave room for Nathan MacKinnon, Leon Drasaitl, Brendan Shanhan or Martin St. Louis (and more importantly, frees us from having to argue over whether “Trottier” is two syllables or three). Goalie is locked up too, with the present-day trinity of Connor Hellebuyck, Igor Shesterkin and Ilya Sorokin battling for the job. This team is stacked.
But then a funny thing happens – the blue line can’t keep up, with only one true star. Yeah, we appear to have discovered another one of those immutable laws of the hockey universe: If you give your kid a Team 2-3 name, they’re going to grow up to be a forward or a goalie. I have no working theory on why this is, but I’ll let you know once I’ve developed one.
First line: Connor McDavid, Alex Ovechkin, Jarome Iginla
Second line: Patrice Bergeron, Sergei Fedorov, Teemu Selänne
First pair: Larry Robinson, Marcel Pronovost
Second pair: Miro Heiskanen, Éric Desjardins
Goalie: Connor Hellebuyck
(And yes, Ovechkin is an “Alex” and not an “Alexander” according to Hockey-Reference, so he plays.)
Team 3-3 and above
Our final team is a bit a cheat, but it’s one that solves two problems at once: that a regular Team 3-3 would be thin, and that lots of great players with long names can’t fit on any of our teams.
So instead of pretending a team with Artturi Lehkonen and Jonathan Marchessault would be especially competitive, let’s build around some legit 3-3 stars up front and in goal and then supplement them with players who don’t qualify for any other teams because they break the four barrier on a name.
First line: Nikita Kucherov, Artemi Panarin, Jeremy Roenick
Second line: Phil Esposito, Alex Delvecchio, Alexander Mogilny
First pair: Scott Niedermayer, Alex Pietrangelo
Second pair: Viacheslav Fetisov, Vladimir Konstantinov
Goalie: Roberto Luongo
And the winner is…
…a topic we can argue about in the comments. Feel free to create your own entries, or modify mine. And as an optional side quest, let’s see if we can nail down coaches or even GMs for each team.
And of course, if you have any ridiculous ideas for a future column you’d like to see me try, let me know. Slow News Summer is here, and it’s OK to get weird.