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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband recently developed a skin growth on his penis that we assumed was a mole gone wrong. I finally convinced him that he needed to go to the doctor to get it checked out and to his (and my) utter shock, it turns out the skin growth is a genital wart. Hooray, he doesn’t have cancer! But also, WTF!

We’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years at this point and I do absolutely believe him that there’s been no funny business. So where did this come from? The doctor told him not to think about it too much. We’ve gone through the medical literature and it seems like it’s possible to get genital warts by non-sexual means, but it all seems poorly documented. Is this a thing that can happen? Can my husband have gotten an STD without the ST?

—Suspicious of Toilet Seats

Dear Suspicious of Toilet Seats,

You’ll be happy to learn that it is indeed possible that your husband’s wart materialized without him cheating. “There are actually several biologically plausible explanations for how your husband could have developed a genital wart in a genuinely monogamous 15-year relationship,” wrote Dr. Adam Friedman, professor and chair of dermatology at George Washington University. “The infidelity hypothesis is far from the only one. The most likely answer is viral latency. In fact this is, by a significant margin, the most scientifically supported explanation for exactly your situation. A dormant HPV infection can activate years or even decades after a person has contracted the infection, meaning it is impossible to tell when the person contracted it or from whom.” Friedman explained that if titers are low at the time of the original infection, the small numbers of infected basal cells must expand to produce a lesion and that can be a lengthy process.

Friedman cited a 2012 study of women ages 35-60 that found 85 percent of incident HPV detections “occurred during periods of sexual abstinence or monogamy, and were strongly associated with cumulative lifetime sexual exposure.” In their abstract, the researchers concluded that their observation that “most incident HPV infection was attributable to past, not current, sexual behavior at older ages supports a natural history model of viral latency and reactivation.”

Friedman continued: “This means your husband almost certainly acquired this HPV, probably as HPV 6 or 11, the strains responsible for over 90 percent of genital warts, before your relationship, decades ago. It sat silently, undetectable, until something (often a subtle immune shift from aging, stress, illness, or even just time) allowed it to manifest.” Another possibility is reactivation. “Even if HPV had at some point been immunologically suppressed to undetectable levels, it doesn’t disappear,” wrote Friedman. “The literature on HPV increasingly parallels what was learned about herpes simplex: The evolving understanding of viral natural history has strong analogies with HSV-2, where a paradigm of lifelong latency with infrequent reactivation was replaced with a model of very frequent bursts of viral reactivation and shedding, with local immunologic memory keeping the duration of these shedding episodes brief. HPV biology is now thought to work similarly.”

I find this particularly fascinating as flare-ups are not often part of the conversation about HPV. Friedman wrote that reactivation of HPV infections has been documented after kidney transplants and in other immunosuppressive states. “Even within the range of normal immune fluctuations that come with aging, illness, or stress, latent infections can re-emerge,” he added.

In closing, Friedman offered, “Your own HPV status matters here. If you and your husband have been sexually active together for 15 years, there’s a reasonable chance you’ve had prior exposure to the same strain, or have your own latent infection. Nearly half of couples in transmission studies had type specific concordant infections at study entry, indicating previous transmission of HPV had already occurred between them.” You should absolutely stay vigilant, receiving an annual pap smear at minimum. Friedman continued: “The doctor who said, ‘Don’t think about it too much,’ was likely trying to spare you unnecessary stress, but you deserved the actual explanation, which is this: HPV is a virus that has been well documented to sleep quietly in tissue for years, and its reappearance tells you almost nothing useful about recent sexual behavior. The science fortunately is on your husband’s side here … and yours!”

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Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend swears he has low T, but then tells me he’s just super insecure about his stamina and that his libido is low. What can I do to help him understand he’s the best I’ve ever had, all I’ve ever craved, and I miss the intimacy we used to share? He swears it’s not me.

—Now I’m Insecure (she/her)

Dear Now I’m Insecure,

Keep assuring him. If you haven’t done so with the language used in your letter, do it: “You’re the best I’ve ever had, all I’ve ever craved, and I miss the intimacy we used to share.” You can also suggest engaging in sex that doesn’t require his stamina: oral, manual, toys, and erotic massage, among things. Attempt to engage in nonsexual intimacy like cuddling. If he is operating at limited capacity, as he claims, see if he can direct what little energy he has into low-level activities that nonetheless help maintain your bond.

If his low T claims are based on actual bloodwork, he can talk to a doctor about supplementing with testosterone. If he’s just guessing, he should actually get the bloodwork to see if his suspicions about his T levels are correct. There is a lot that can contribute to low libido, including stress and low self-esteem. These aren’t things that you can necessarily solve, but you can provide support. You should make clear that his issues about his stamina are his issues alone. If there is some truth to them, and you actually enjoy that he comes fast (this is something that excites many), tell him that. What he may see as a negative could actually be a plus. Make it very clear that you’re there for him. If you don’t see any kind of change in the positive direction in a few weeks or months, consider couples counseling or sex coaching. It will probably be easier to work through this stuff with an expert. There’s really only so much you and your support can do.

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Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

For the first time in my life, I’m about to have the freedom to date and, eventually, have sex. Due to somewhat controlling and decidedly overprotective parents, I’ve managed to make it to adulthood with essentially no experience with relationships. I am now moving cross country for college, and while I don’t plan to throw myself headfirst into anything, the newfound freedom has got me thinking.

I know I’m on the ace spectrum—the problem is, I don’t really know where. Sometimes the thought of sexual activity of any sort sounds deeply uncomfortable, sometimes it sounds like it’d be great fun. I think the heart of the issue is that, at the end of the day, it’s all theoretical—I won’t know how I feel about something until I actually try it. I’m not interested in casual hookups, so how do I explain my needs (or lack there of) to a serious potential partner? And when? I don’t want to lead anyone on if it turns out I have zero interest, but every time I try to plan out what to say, it all seems to get hopelessly muddled or excruciatingly awkward. On the plus side, I already run in queer crowds (I’m nonbinary) and don’t have much interest in dating anyone who isn’t at least queer-associated, so hopefully the very concept of asexuality won’t be groundbreaking to them.

Oh, and to make matters perfectly complicated; while I don’t often get off to vanilla porn, there are some kinks that I reliably do. A decent amount of them don’t necessitate sexual contact to engage in (think something like feeding or cross-dressing). If it ends up that I’m not interested in actively participating in sexual acts, and assuming I have an amenable partner, how would you recommend I bring up/act on such kinks with them? (Additionally, while talking with a friend once, it came up that I usually picture myself as a third party observer when reading smut as opposed to projecting onto a character, and she called me a cuck. I’ve thought about it and she’s not all that wrong—any advice on how to (eventually) dabble in something like that? I’d never considered it before, so any kind of info would help).

—Just Want to Try Some Stuff Out

Dear Just Want to Try Some Stuff Out,

When starting these conversations, keep things as simple as possible. Despite your uncertainty, it’s clear from your letter that you are able to articulate yourself well regarding your sexuality. But piling on too much information can feel overwhelming to a prospective partner who can only hold so much in their head at one time. I think the easiest way to explain this to someone that you’re into is that you’re inexperienced and not sure what you’re going to enjoy. If you propose it as an adventure that you’re taking together, your partner may find this exciting. They may also find it daunting and too much to get involved with, but it’s better for them to tell you that upfront so that you can move on, as much as it may suck to hear it in the moment

As you aren’t interested in casual hookups, you don’t have to lead with this information or even get into it during early stages. It sounds like you are looking to first build connection/affection with someone so focus on that. During this period, it is very common for sex to not yet be on the table. Your potential partner may inquire about this if they are hornier than you are, which would be a perfect time to mention your uncertainty/asexuality. You don’t need to worry at this point about leading someone on. Spending time getting to know someone is not the same as promising sex, and even in the latter case, consent can be revoked at any point. If someone takes offense to the changing of a partner’s mind, it’s their problem.


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My Neighbor Has Declared Himself the “Waste Manager” of Our Building. Things Are Getting Weird.


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My Kids’ Friends Ask a Very Impolite Question Every Time We’re All Together. They Need to Drop It.

I’ve Taught My Kids an Important Lesson About the Way We Treat Others. One Teacher Is Threatening to Undo It.

My Friends Have No Problem Insulting Our Parenting Decision. If I Tell Them What I Really Think, It Might End the Friendship.

Also, while you figure out just where on the asexuality spectrum you are, keep in mind that what you wrote about it—“Sometimes the thought of sexual activity of any sort sounds deeply uncomfortable, sometimes it sounds like it’d be great fun”—is similar to how many allo people feel about it as well. Not everyone is horny all the time, and so many of us go back and forth between wanting/loving sex and indifference (though not necessarily deep discomfort).

Your cucking interest is a bit advanced for your current situation. It’s absolutely possible to achieve but you’d need a partner to do it strictly according to the definition. What you describe, though, sounds a bit more like voyeurism, which is a bit easier to dabble with. A space where sex is openly happening (like a sex club or sex party or orgy) is a good place to watch. Depending on the vibe, those attending may be expected to participate, but generally speaking, people tend to be OK with the presence of those who only intend to watch. It’s not so far out at all.

The overall point is that while your sexuality is specific and perhaps not entirely graspable by the entire population, there’s enough there that is relatable. You get to choose what you do and how fast you go. Other people will get to decide whether this is compatible with their interests. Stay open and articulate and you’ll do just fine.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

For most of my life, I’ve identified as a lesbian and considered myself exclusively interested in women. Recently, though, I’ve started to have casual hookups with men. And while I’m not actually any more attracted to male bodies than I have ever been, the sex is mind-blowingly better! Even during quickies where I don’t manage to orgasm, I feel more pleasure and come away satisfied. Still, I’m way more interested in women. What’s going on here?

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