The Internet Delivered These Absolute Treasures And My Serotonin Levels Are Through The Roof

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Welcome to Only Good Internet, where — like a sommelier for internet content — I pair you with memes.

I want to talk to you about bad jokes. Specifically, BadJokesByJeff. It’s basically a Tumblr rite of passage at this point for one of Jeff’s jokes to show up on your dash, and for you to respond, “change your URL, Jeff.” Because, you see, Jeff’s jokes are sometimes not bad at all.

A joke where Jesus thinks a man in Heaven is his earthly father, Joseph. The man says he was a carpenter had a son who was born by a miracle, fought temptation, and heroically died but came back to life. Jesus says "Dad?" and the man says "Pinocchio?"

IDK, maybe you’ve heard that one before, but I haven’t! I didn’t see it coming! Here’s another:

A joke: A girl tells Professor X that her mutant power is guessing how many pulls to turn off a ceiling fan. Professor X stands up to test her power, then she says "Just kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Full disclosure, I’m pretty sure this one was a tweet first, but it seems like Jeff expanded it a bit and brought it away from that terrible site, so I’ll allow it.

One more for the road:

A joke about a cat owner naming their pets: Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe, revealing these are their last names. Commenter simply says "JEFF"

Anyway, “Jeff, change your URL” has become a meme in and of itself, to the point where the blog actually put out a poll to ask if they should actually do it:

Poll asking if Jeff should change his URL. Below, a comment explains why keeping the URL is essential for joke continuity

You can follow badjokesbyjeff on Tumblr or Instagram. Laugh, groan, shake your head disapprovingly, enjoy.

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…That Usain Bolt’s last name is his REAL NAME, and the founder of Tito’s Vodka’s last name is Beveridge:

Text post humorously discussing real names that seem fictional, like Galileo Galilei and Usain Bolt, and imagining names like William Headline

William Headline? Bill Headline??? Are you serious??? Apparently, William’s last name was originally Swedish and was Americanized, but still.

You gotta assume there’s some self-fulfilling prophecy happening here, which I just learned is called “nominative determinism.” It’s the idea that a person’s last name tends to nudge them toward a career that suits the name. It’s too late for me, but maybe I’ll change my last name to Billionaire and see what happens to my kids.

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The expression on this cat’s face is what really sells this for me:

Cat with lipstick marks on its face sits on a lap. Text above asks for advice on removing lipstick after cat shampoo didn't work, considering coconut oil

She’s SO MAD.

Text banner with repeating warning symbols reads: "Cursed Image Of The Week."

BuzzFeed

Shout-out to Josiah B. for sending in this week’s cursed image!

Duke Cannon Supply Co. "Big Ass Brick of Soap" displayed on a store shelf

Josiah B.

That is indeed a brick of soap of considerable size. I’m all for creative branding, but something about combining the word “ass” with “soap” just lathers me the wrong way…

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I always like to finish every week with something that I MUST share with you, because I can’t get it out of my head. This week, it’s all about Drake and Josh:

Two people in a scene from a TV show stand before a stone tomb, discussing "the body of Christ" in a humorous internet memes context

Sometimes, the replies really come together and create something beautiful.

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— Pa Kent giving “the talk”

— Spider-Man’s weakness is cocaine (canon)

— Apparently the moon is upside-down in the southern hemisphere?

— Old Man Yells At Cloud (it’s me, I’m the old man)

— Ah, I remember this classic line from Sam

That’s all for this week, see you later! And remember, if you want more like this, you can subscribe to the Only Good Internet newsletter (if you want, I mean, don’t let me tell you what to do, ya know?).

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