Cheating is an awfully selfish act. It requires putting your own instant gratification, ego, and pleasure above the feelings and safety—both emotional and sexual—of the partner you agreed to make a commitment to.
Now, I don’t think cheating automatically makes you a bad person—some good people do bad, stupid things sometimes. But I do think that if you’re taking elaborate steps to be sneaky and unfaithful to someone, it says a lot about your character. For example, I think using your Notes app—yes, your Notes app—to cheat says a lot about who you are. And, yes, people are doing this now.
I’ve seen some ridiculous ways people have been sneaky about being involved with someone outside of their partner: Saving someone’s number as “Pizza Hut,” changing a contact to one of those 5-digit numbers so it looks like the bank is texting you, and even keeping secret messaging apps. But when I saw that people were adding people as collaborators on a Shared Note in the Notes app—just to send hidden messages their partners wouldn’t suspect or think to check—I realized that some people will pull out every absurd, manipulative stop to cheat on someone when they could just end things.
So what’s that all about?
Why Do People Go to Extreme Lengths to Cheat?
“Many people cheat rather than deal with issues in the relationship, because it can feel easier,” Debra Feinberg, LCSW tells Cosmopolitan. Some people have a difficult time expressing themselves or even acknowledging that something is wrong in the first place. So instead of being vulnerable with their partner and telling them when something is wrong, they feel justified in going to “fill the gaps” in the relationship themselves—usually with another person.
OK, I get that talking about your feelings can be hard, but nothing feels like more of a difficult task than trying to communicate with someone on your Notes app. It’s just a lot of effort. Additionally, it’s not always people who are unhappy in their relationships that cheat. Sometimes, people love and adore their partner and still will go out and make emotional and sexual connections with people behind their partner’s back. So what gives?
Psychotherapist Amy Lewis Bear explains that some people cheat because they want the best of both worlds.
“They want the comfort of coming home to someone who loves them, the emotional and financial security of a committed relationship, and the stability of a shared life,” she says. “But they also crave the excitement of someone new, the thrill of being desired, and the adrenaline rush of doing something forbidden.
It could also just be that they’re not very empathetic people. Bear says that there are people who have strong narcissistic traits. For them, cheating may have less to do with dissatisfaction in the relationship and more to do with a belief that they’re entitled to whatever they want. They view their own desire as far more important than anything else—including their partner’s feelings. They’ll often tell themselves that they just deserve more attention, sexual fulfillment, and excitement than one person (their partner) can give them. And yet, instead of having a conversation about opening a relationship, they’ll resort to keeping secrets and going to extreme lengths to cheat (AKA send hidden messages to a fling via Notes app).
For some people, this is because they actually enjoy the excessive manipulation it takes to cheat. “The secrecy, planning, and getting away with it can actually heighten the experience,” marriage counselor Mary McLaughlin, LCSW says. “The hoops they have to jump through can be part of the high.”
Feinberg works with couples who try to rebuild their relationship after infidelity. She explains that most of the time, the cheating partner does not want their relationship to end. “They just can’t give up how the cheating makes them feel: someone admires me, gives me attention, makes me feel good about myself,” she says.
But eventually, the cheating catches up to them too. The high only lasts for so long. And as sneaky as someone is, someone in your relationship is going to pick up on your changed behavior. Sure, they might not know that you’re using your Notes app to send secret messages to someone else—but they might notice how much time you’ve spent on your phone. They might notice how often you feel disconnected or when your stories start to sound inconsistent. They might even notice how much you use your Notes app.
Whatever your reason for cheating may be, it’s important to understand the effect it would have on the person you made a commitment too. Sure, there’s a rush in keeping secrets and sneaking around—but it’s not going to feel good forever.
”Living a double life takes a toll on the person cheating, too,” Feinberg says.
This is why it’s important to be self aware and check in with yourself when you’re in a relationship. Are you happy? Are you fulfilled? Are you committed? And most of all, if you find yourself going as far as to use your Notes app—a place meant for drafts of breakup texts, grocery lists, and random words we can’t remember why we wrote down—to betray your partner, you are too far down the rabbit hole my friend. It may be time to just break up.