Canada is part of Europe now, at least in one important way: in the face of increasing hostility (and tariffs) from the tyrannical “leadership” south of the border, our nation has found refuge in aligning ourselves with what’s truly important: the world’s flashiest singing competition.

Earlier this week, the five finalists in contention to be the first to represent Canada at next year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Bulgaria were revealed. No disrespect to them or anything, the Exclaim! staff simply have a different (and notably unrealistic) vision — pun fully intended — of high-camp Canadiana on the world stage.

Find our picks, most of whom are realistically either too famous or not famous enough to actually participate, in alphabetical order below.

Arkells
Listen — they’d have a whole horn section, a gospel choir of incredible backup singers, a whole lot of earnestness, and more rainbow fringe than a Pride parade.

Art d’Ecco
Not only can he handle his fernet, but his flair for the dramatic and high-waisted trousers would be well-served here.

Angine de Poitrine
It’s insane we even have to say this.

Barenaked Ladies
You have to admit that the memeability would be off the charts, and their name might have some actual shock value overseas.

bbno$
He’s literally just some guy, but that seems to work for him.

The Beaches
Imagine the synchronized hop choreography!

Caribou
He also lives across the pond in England. Since he’s over there already, why not drop a dance beat on Eurovision?

Charlotte Cardin
With her bilingual lyrics and newfangled sexy saxophone-heavy approach to sparkly pop jams, she’s the best of both worlds.

Lou-Adriane Cassidy
A show-stopping performer who occasionally embodies a werewolf, she has the grandiose ambition to bring Quebec to the world stage.

Devours
He’s the “gaylien” of Vancouver with the theatrics to own the Eurovision stage and the electropop experimentation to freak everyone out.

Down with Webster
This is surely the choice Prime Minister Carney had in mind.

Rochelle Jordan
Her disco-inflected house music would be irresistible to even the most pretentious Berghain frequenters.

Hubert Lenoir
Glammy, adventurous and with swagger for days, here’s a Francophone guy who will make us seem cool and cultured to the rest of the world.

Magi Merlin
She’s a POWER HOUSE, and no stranger to the avant-garde fashion styling that has made for some of Eurovision’s most iconic looks — because it’s really not just about the music, is it?

Mother Mother
Måneskin won Eurovision with a slapstick take on arena rock in 2021 — and here in Canada, we have a way better version of something similar.

NYSSA
NYSSA possesses a gravitational pull — lest we forget that Death to T.O. year where she made the Doors actually good — and slick, nostalgic synthpop sensibilities that would make her the perfect dark horse.

Peaches
Wearing the giant vulva costume, obviously.

Ribbon Skirt
If there’s one band to capture Canada’s past and bring it into the future, it’s Ribbon Skirt. They’re worthy ambassadors for our country.

SadBoi
Someone needs to bring a little dancehall bounce to the party — why not us?

Slash Need
Our hot take? Eurovision isn’t scary enough. Slash Need take industrial menace and make it fun.

TOBi
He can sing, he can rap, and he’s got the enormous stage presence to own an international stage.

Cameron Whitcomb
America would obviously enter Benson Boone if they could, so let’s bring our backflip guy.