There’s only one question doing the rounds this week and it’s this: have you put your heating on yet? Suddenly there’s a nip in the air and I’m not having it. Last time I looked up from my desk it was warm and sunny.

I was wearing white jeans and eating salads alfresco. Tights and central heating were a distant nightmare, one that hopefully might never happen. Now reality is biting and we can either give in or push back.

“Nothing in life is inevitable,” said a wise and like-minded friend, “perhaps not even autumn. The only season worth having is summer, and it is over. Resist.” To be fair to autumn we can’t plead ignorance because we’ve lived here most of our lives. But the fact remains: seasons are overrated. Here’s why.

Tights

We must hold out against the black opaques as long as possible because we have morals and because the alternative is an admission that winter is coming. I once held out until well into November just by wearing a long coat although, granted, I live in the south and I’m not outside all day feeding silage to cows (and if you don’t feed silage to cows in September, well, it’s just as well I’m not doing it, isn’t it?).

This year I may not last bare-legged until October, let alone November. I texted a colleague early on Monday morning for her take on the situation and she said she’d put a pair of tights in her bag just in case. That’s a total cop-out. Tights are like the royal family: you’re either in or you’re out, as Queen Elizabeth said to Harry and Meghan.

• The perfect toastie, a £5 bottle of red: how to do this autumn well

Food

When it’s hot, you can go wild in the salad section and nothing bad will happen as long as you steer clear of the croutons. “No good ever came of a crouton,” my godmother once told me darkly, and she was right. But you can’t throw comfort food at the problem when you’re my age because, come the spring, you won’t get into your clothes.

Other people

Wholesome, jolly types who talk about a nip in the air, turning leaves, toffee apples and woolly mittens. They act as if being wholesome and jolly is something to be proud of. They probably have rosy cheeks, whereas all I want is tan lines. I have never said “it’s too hot” ever, anywhere. My sole idea of bliss is 30C, sand and a sunlounger. Leaves are better on trees. A nip should refer to strong drink, not weather.

• So what if summer’s over? Autumn’s the best time of year

Clothes

Winter clothes are vastly inferior to summer because they’re bulky and bulky clothes make you look fat. I read that claret colours are big this autumn but claret is something you should drink, not wear, and even then it isn’t as nice as Miraval with ice.

More to the point, where I come from claret colour was called “maroon” and best left to school uniforms. Also, the magazines are full of chunky knits but they don’t fit under coats and they’re too hot indoors. And if you do manage to squish them into your coat sleeves, your arms feel claustrophobic. Arm claustrophobia is a thing. Or maybe that’s just me.

Coats

Does any other climate in the world call for as many different types of outerwear as the wretched British climate? It’s a bit warm for the full winter coat monty but too cold for a sweater. I have a leather jacket that is ideal when it’s dry but it’s usually raining. My raincoat looks good but doesn’t really keep the rain out and, yes, before you ask, that has struck me before as a design flaw but there we are. Sure, you could just buy an anorak, but could you live with yourself? Don’t answer that.

• Don’t be sad that summer’s over. Think of it this way…

Other places

A colleague is searching weather apps for somewhere in Europe that’s still hot enough for a final shot of vitamin D. I said smugly that I’m going to Corfu on Friday, albeit for work. Then I checked the weather forecast and we can sum up my weekend thus: flog to Gatwick, spend three hours on a budget airline, arrive somewhere it’s pissing it down, come home. If you have a wholesome, jolly take on that, I suggest that for your own safety you keep it to yourself.