From unlucky bounces to vanishing bunker sand, golf banter after a round is rich with complaints, rituals, and humour. This article explores the most common gripes shared by golfers, from bad breaks to health woes, with a wry nod to the camaraderie behind them.
GOLFERS love to moan and complain. It’s almost the law.
Sit with a group after any round and off they go. Endlessly.
Pick a subject and they will find something to say. I have to say that arguably the favourite part of my round now is the banter around a table after the final putts have been holed.
There will always be somebody who feels the need to talk the rest of the group through his round, hole by hole, shot by shot. And that includes the three other golfers who witnessed those shots. There will be complaints about unlucky bounces, putts that have lipped out, bunkers with insufficient sand. You know the drill. You have done it yourself, you know you have.
As I have recorded before, the banter I experience as a senior golfer is very different to the conversations I engaged in 20 years ago. Instead of talking about our jobs, dreaming of the new car we had an eye on, family holiday, our wives and girlfriends, today it is a health moanfest. So how does it go?
“Fred, how is the new hip?”
“John, when are going in for that knee operation?”
“I won’t be able to play next week – I’ve got to look after the damn grandkids.”
“I won’t be playing tomorrow – my back won’t cope with two days on the trot.”
“It’s going to be cold on Friday – I will staying in my bed [that one is me]!”
“There is rain forecast tomorrow so I am going to give it a miss [also one of mine]!”
But there has been a whole new barrage of complaints recently.
You will not need me to tell you that golfers love to complain about the weather – and boy have they ben excelling themselves these past few weeks.
After coming in with a Stableford score of 45 points, one of our number was heard to say: “I cannot believe how hard these fairways are. I got some horrendous bounces out there.”
Or…”Bloody hell, I hit an eight iron 180 yards on the fifth. I had no clue how it was going to finish.” He went on to reveal that the ball finished six feet from the hole.
I never thought I would live to see the day when English golfers would find so much to complain about during the best and most sustained spell of weather I can remember.
I marvel at the stupidity of bald golfers who go out to play in 30c with the sun beating down and a) don’t wear a hat or cap, and b) fail to apply any sunscreen and then wonder why they don’t feel too well when they come off the course.
And please don’t me started on the golfers who head out there without taking any water. Really? And then moan about how parched they feel – and down a pint of beer when they should be drinking a pint of water.
When I think about how much we all hate playing during those freezing cold winter days, I struggle to keep a straight face when I hear my fellow golfers pleading for rain – and, of course, if it did rain they would complain about that too.
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