Research has shown that our social networks tend to shrink around the age of 25.iStockphoto/iStockPhoto / Getty Images
Just a few years ago, I simply had to walk a few steps across my Toronto apartment to talk to my two best friends. I was a part of a tight-knit, five-person friend group including my two roommates, a friend living just down the hall and another located just a short walk away.
It was the platonic ideal of close friendship and community. We ran errands together, supported each other and lived life side by side. Then, two years ago, everything changed.
For a myriad of reasons, including jobs, relationships and affordability, our group was forced to scatter, with four of the five of us moving to other cities. Overnight, we went from a face-to-face friend group to a FaceTime friend group.
My situation, however difficult, isn’t unique. Research has shown that our social networks tend to shrink somewhat around the age of 25 (I was 26 when I moved), and Statistics Canada found that only 19.3 per cent of Canadians saw friends on an average day in 2022, down from 47.9 per cent in 1986. In the United States, a recent study found that long-distance friendships were quite common, with more than 40 per cent of people living in a different town or city from friends.
Loss of proximity and shared experiences
I worried, at that time, about how our friendships would weather the distance. I wondered how we would adapt to the new normal of living separate lives rather than in tandem. I had confidence that our bonds could survive this massive change, but I knew there would be challenges along the way.
When a friendship becomes long-distance, it loses one of the main pillars of adult friendships, according to motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins: proximity.
On her popular podcast, Robbins said that proximity, timing and energy are all required to maintain adult friendships. So what happens when proximity is lost?
“When that natural proximity isn’t there, it takes effort and intention to keep the relationship going,” said Lisa Thompson, a psychologist based in Calgary who specializes in relationships.
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Long-distance friendships can also lack the shared experiences that bring us closer to our friends.
“Much of the research shows that frequent in-person interaction creates strong bonds, and that is because of having shared experiences like going biking together or going to a concert,” said Anabel Quan-Haase, a sociologist and professor at Western University who studies how technology sustains long-distance friendships.
Maintaining long-distance friendships in the age of modern technology is a little easier than in the days when snail mail was the only available method of correspondence. In her research, Quan-Haase has found that young Canadians are adept at maintaining long-distance friendships using instant-messaging tools and social media, with technology allowing for a sense of connection without frequency of in-person contact.
The communication repertoire
For Tracy Lamourie, who moved from Toronto to Malta in 2023, the loss of shared experiences with her friends back home has been one of the hardest parts of relocating.
“I wake up thinking of the many miles between us,” she said, “of how there are no more weekends shopping or Niagara Falls getaways or morning porch visits with Tim Hortons in hand.”
While Lamourie misses those in-person moments with her friends back home, she said technology helps her maintain the relationships from afar.
She regularly Zooms with friends, sends them social-media posts to make them laugh and posts snippets of her new life online for her friends back home to see and interact with.
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Quan-Haase said it is not a single technology, but rather what she calls the “communication repertoire,” that makes long-distance friendships easier to sustain in modern day.
“Most long-distance friendships are maintained via a combination of social media, video calls and texting,” Quan-Haase said. “Each long-distance friendship creates its own mix of communication repertoire depending on preferences and the uniqueness of the friendship.”
This includes “microcommunication,” she said – short exchanges of photos, memes, recipes or greetings, helping to sustain relationships without requiring a significant investment of time.
Effort beyond a text
Modern technology certainly makes it easy to send a quick message to your far-away friend at any moment, but friendships often require more connection than just a few written words every so often. Putting in the extra effort to really connect can help deepen the relationship, combat loneliness and even protect you from stress in your life, Thompson, the psychologist, said.
In the case of Gautam Viswanathan, who moved from Oman to Toronto in 2022, that means scheduling virtual gaming sessions with his best friend from back home each weekend.
“Because we know we only have a maximum of 90 minutes a week to hang out online, and we’re both gamers, we join an online co-op gaming session to game alongside one another while chatting about the developments in our lives,” he said.
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If you’re looking for other ways to go beyond the standard “How are you?” text, Thompson suggests channeling the creativity of the COVID-19 era – when we were forced to find new ways to connect digitally.
“Maybe you order the same kind of takeout or you cook the same recipe, or maybe you watch a Netflix series together or start a book club where you meet virtually once a month,” she said.
You can also try combining your catch-ups with chores you’ll be doing anyway, like calling a friend every time you walk your dog or hop in your car for your commute.
Distance can sometimes mean more closeness
Despite the default assumption that long-distance friendships are less fulfilling, Janette Ewen, who splits her time between Toronto and Los Angeles, believes the opposite to be true.
Ewen believes long-distance friendships can be even more intimate because of the extra intention, effort and care it takes to maintain them.
“It’s not about frequency, it’s about connection,” she said. “My friends and I will send something that really means something.”
To ensure her long-distance friendships remain close, Ewen puts in the extra effort by sending postcards, having meals delivered, making and sending videos and checking in for end-of-week talks where she and her friends will share their losses and wins from the past few days.
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It’s these carefully crafted habits and rituals that have left her feeling that her long-distance friendships are some of her strongest.
“ We can really take for granted the people we see every day,” Ewen said. “But with long-distance friendships, there’s intention, and when you finally do see each other, you’re so grateful for them.”
Living further away from my own best friends has shown me just how lucky I am to have close bonds that defy distance.
I certainly miss cooking dinner with my friends each night and knowing about every detail of their days, but the distance has also spurred new, tech-enabled traditions that I cherish — like sending lengthy voice notes, cooking over FaceTime together and sharing countless funny TikToks. And when we do finally get to see each other in person, we make the absolute most of every moment and immediately begin counting down the days until we can be together again.