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It’s beginning to look a lot like… something I don’t want. There isn’t a person in the land who hasn’t realised halfway through unwrapping a present from their nearest and dearest that what’s slowly being revealed is going to require some well-rehearsed acting skills about how wonderful it is, before the unwanted gift covertly makes its escape via the charity shop or eBay that would make Steve McQueen proud.
I’m going to say this right off the bat and without shame: money is fine. Totally fine. We all secretly miss the £10 note hidden inside the Christmas card from that benevolent auntie, and who wouldn’t want to experience that Proustian tingle once more? Obviously adjust for inflation, because a tenner isn’t going to get you very far these days unless you surreptitiously slip a note in a jersey rear pocket for the next mid-ride cake stop, and that would barely cover it.
If you’re proper stuck, then take a look at the label on all those small parcels that keep appearing behind the bins and buy a gift voucher for that retailer, or those retailers to be more precise. Even better, put some money behind the local bike shop’s counter. It’s a bit boring and lacking any soul, but genuinely useful, and they may even think about you every time they use whatever they bought with the money, rather than how to get rid of it without being noticed.
Without further ado, here’s our refreshed list of what not to buy for cyclists for 2025, where you’ll find a medley of old classics and a few new abominable entries…
The Park Tool Pizza Cutter
Park Tools Pizza Tool (credit: Park Tool)
Let’s start with a classic, and not because it’s a bad product…
There are no figures available on what percentage of the Park Tool Pizza Cutter’s annual sales are in the last month of the year, but we’re guessing it’s on a par with Baileys. Every cyclist has at least one of these, many have a third drawer down in the kitchen totally devoted to them, and they really do not need another one. If Park could release a chutney spoon that might actually be more useful.
While we’re here I feel we should pause briefly to remember the Campagnolo Corkscrew. Once a titan of the cycling Christmas gift guide, it has all but disappeared as the screw top wine bottle has become universal. An absolute over-engineered joy to use, it’s not hard to imagine that their vanishing from under the tree has been a significant part in the Italian company’s recent financial woes.
Don’t buy another Park Tool Pizza Cutter here
A comedy cycling jersey
Hairy Nude Cycling Jersey (credit: Unknown)
The Lycra cycling top can be a magnificent moving canvas on which to flaunt some amazing displays of art, design, environmentally awkward companies and oppressive regimes. There are many examples that have become classics, while countless more have become victims to fashion and slowly sedimented to the bottom of the drawer, or have been relegated to out-of-sight pain cave use. There’s also ‘that’ new Ineos kit…
Tuxedo cycling Jersey, Full Body (credit: undefined)
Despite all the stylish and flattering designs available, it’s good to see that the wacky cycling jersey simply refuses to disappear ,and that the spandex Tuxedo is immune to the vagaries of fashion and is still available. We’re not even going to provide a link for either of these.
Christmas-related cycle clothing
Christmas Elves Cycling Kit Family (credit: Unknown)
As we’re talking about clothing that’s as welcome as a three-pack of towelling socks from M&S, we really don’t need an item of festive clothing you can only wear for a week a year at the most. Oh be still my joyous heart, further enforced jollity. And getting the whole family involved is sure to get social services round come Boxing Day…
Please keep your children out of therapy and don’t buy these here
A tool for cyclists
A Cycling Tool (credit: notonthehighstreet.com)
While to the non cyclist’s eyes it looks small, compact, full of useful features, easy to store in a back pocket or tool pouch and the absolute perfect gift… it’s really just a cheap sheet of stamped metal where very few of the tools will work on a modern bike, and those that might are specifically designed to round off any bolts, scratch the paintwork and skim off some knuckle skin in the process.
While you’re avoiding buying the Park Pizza Cutter, have a look at any of the other Park Tools as a gift instead of one of these. Choose any one, it will be better. Although ironically this might make a serviceable pizza cutter…
Don’t be tempted by a multi-tool that can’t do anything well apart from draw blood here
A ‘Useful Cycling Thing’
Orb Bottle Light (credit: Orb)
The market is awash with things that have been designed for putting on a bicycle by people who have never ever ridden a bike, but think those that do would greatly benefit from.
It’s usually a ‘safety’ feature, and probably something to do with lights or indicators. There are hundreds of very good lights already available without the need for another one that includes some sort of added feature, and new indicator gloves, helmets, rucksacks, saddles and handlebar ends come and go with the changing of the clocks.
Someone trying to make a useful contribution to road safety invents something every six months, seemingly never having done the basic research that something very similar launched a year ago and has since disappeared without a trace. You can put ‘safe bicycle infrastructure’ on your Christmas wishlist as many times as you like but your uncle will still get you some indicator gloves instead, and you can unwrap them while he tells you about all the cyclists he sees without any lights at all. The latest one to roll my eyes is the Orb, a water bottle with a built in light, a dull ambient glow in that famously visible middle bit of the bike: between your legs.
Don’t think you’re giving a helpful gift here
Anything made from an old bike part
Ever Ready Light Clock (credit: Etsy)
These are the days of reuse, recycle and repurpose, and it’s a very worthy approach to adopt across all aspects of our lives, there’s absolutely no argument here. Apart from bike bits, that is. There’s a reason why they’ve been thrown away, and it’s because they’re worthless bits of perished rubber and rusty bent metal.
Crank Hook (credit: Unknown)
This doesn’t stop any number of gifts being made available by wannabe Kirstie Allsopps let loose in your spares bin. The reuse, recycle and repurpose practice is a smug delusion, as making something out of an old bike bit merely briefly delays its inevitable journey into landfill. Hanging an old chainset and pedal on the wall and trying to sell it as a hook does not a present make.
Please don’t buy me any more old bike bits here
A Banana Cage
Banana Cage (credit: Etsy)
Strapping bags and bolting cages all over a bike is all the rage these days, with loads of riders embarking on baggage heavy multi-day trips. Manufacturers have responded by supplying bikes festooned with enough bosses to make an acne-ridden teenager blush.
While a lot of them are incredibly useful for hauling all your stuff and having space for extra snacks, there’s absolutely no need for a specific cage for a banana.
I’ve saved you the browsing history embarrassment of googling ‘banana cage’ here
Something bike-themed
Cyclist Bottle Stopper (credit: Etsy)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that anyone with a hobby, or anyone that has expressed the slightest interest in anything over the previous year, will receive a present related to their hobby or that passing comment they’d completely forgotten about. Cyclists are not exempt from this – on the contrary they are very well catered for, with a whole convoy of red and white trucks rammed full of ‘Things Because You Like Bikes’.
Cycling Wanker Mug (credit: Etsy)
If you’re a cyclist in an office then you have my sympathies when it comes to Secret Santa. I’d like to think that my personality extends beyond bicycles and there’s a whole world of appropriate gifts to choose for me. I also have a cat. Oh wait…
Something quirky and bike-themed
Wooden Yellow Jersey Duck (credit: Etsy)
I think the word ‘quirky’ gets more warning sirens going than the word ‘wacky’, and both get me running for somewhere safe to hide from the tsunami of tat that follows it. I don’t need a wooden cycling duck in a yellow jersey thanks. I mean, where would I hide it?
Please don’t buy me a duck from here
Cycling socks
Wiggins Sock Front (credit: Etsy)
There are socks for cycling in and socks with cycling on, and it’s important to know the important difference when choosing this most traditional of Christmas gifts.
When perusing the choices, there are pages upon pages upon pages of the former to suit all ride occasions and disciplines. Why you would bypass all of these, most of which can just as easily be worn off the bike, for something that merely lets anyone who glances at a shapely ankle know that person is a ‘keen cyclist’?
Lucky Cycling Socks (credit: Etsy)
Especially don’t buy this pair as it just spells an accident waiting to happen, but oh how you’ll laugh at the irony…
I don’t need more socks from here, ta
A misogynistic t-shirt
Problem Solved T-Shirt (credit: Etsy)
Are ‘comedy’ t-shirts ever even funny after the first five minutes they’re put on? I’ve never been sure about that one. This raises a wince rather than a smirk, even if you’re one of those cyclists who still jokingly – but with a hint of malice – says they have to see if they can “get a pass from the wife” every time the offer of a bike ride comes up. We should be waaaaaay past ‘funny nagging wife partner girlfriend graphic’ now.
Don’t buy me this from here, (even if you are my wife and it’s ironic)
Something in the shape of some testicles
Bike Balls Red (credit: Bike Balls)
While we’re dancing, with the bells on the end of our elf shoes all a-tingling, around the subject of cycling being a predominantly male sport and the barriers that may present… how about an extra pair of testicles to hang off your saddle? Thankfully you’ve got the choice between Bike Balls and Bike Nuts. Both could be quite useful in the form of a dangly rear bike light and a handy storage solution, but both come in the shape of a man’s testicles, which might limit the market. Or not…
Fish-Ski Bike Nuts Fuchsia (credit: Fish-Ski)
Bike Nuts come in all your favourite colours, and yes ‘Flesh’ is one of them. They’re made out of quality materials, and help you carry fruit/tools/snacks on your cycling adventures. Thankfully Fish-Ski, the makers of these, can offer you a vast range of infinitely more useable luggage, and you can buy far better rear lights that don’t “bob-around while you ride, boosting your visibility and safety in a hilarious way” than the Bike Balls.
You can buy far better seat packs than these, please
Anything Lance Armstrong
Lance Armstrong Waxwork Full (credit: obnoxiousantiques.com)
While he might still be the only cyclist you’ve heard about, most anyone who’s ridden a bike more than 25 miles wishes he’d just go away. His books sold incredibly quickly and then were disposed of just as speedily when his story unravelled.
While a waxwork Lance would be a great conversation piece, we still don’t want anything to do with him. Even one of the 57 Bradley Wiggins books would be a more preferable gift.
Buy nothing about Lance here thanks
You, but as a cushion
Snugzy Cyclist Face Pillow (credit: Snugzy)
You in cycling kit, but as a small cuddly cushion. This is ready to become sentient in the middle of the night and leave the house to wreak bloody vengeance upon anybody who has stolen your Strava KOMs, maybe by using the Cyclists Tool as a weapon…
Please don’t baffle the local police by buying a Snugzy Mini Me here
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
HappySnapGifts Personalised Cycle Seat Cover (credit: HappySnapGifts)
It’s been over a year since we first spotted this, and it’s still there. No-one at HappySnapGifts has raised a questioning arm yet in a meeting about choosing a child’s face to promote this product. The tide of enshittification continues to rise unabated. I might ask Santa for some bigger wellies…
Make it stop by not clicking on this
For advice on what you should actually buy for cyclists, be sure to check out our other 2025 Christmas gift guides