Jimmy Kimmel delivered his own alternative to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner comedy monologue, with scathing jokes about Donald Trump, First Lady Melania and the president’s White House team.

In his monologue on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Thursday (watch it below), Kimmel noted that Trump is attending the dinner this weekend for the first time as president. But the WHCA has chosen a mentalist, Oz Pearlman, to serve as a featured entertainer, rather than a comedian as in past years. Kimmel himself entertained at the dinner in 2012.

So instead, Kimmel presented his own schtick, appearing on a mock set at the Washington Hilton with clips of the president and others in the crowd, some looking none too happy.

A few examples:

“We’ll get you all dressed up in formal wear, dresses, tuxedos. I haven’t seen this much black since every page of the Trump Epstein files.”

“We’re gonna have fun tonight, and I’m happy you decided to stay, Mr. President. And don’t worry if we bruise your ego, it’ll only make your hands look less disgusting.”

“In the unfortunate event that our president has a medical emergency tonight, do we have a doctor in the house? I’m sorry. I mean, do we have a Jesus in the house? I always confuse them, too.”

“I get why you think you’re Jesus. This guy, every time he walks into a room, people say, Christ, he’s back.”

“President Trump has accomplished so much during his second term. He passed new incentives for oil and gas. He put the brakes on solar and wind. That will be your legacy, sir, breaking wind and passing gas.”

“The president didn’t want me to tell any jokes about him tonight, but he also didn’t want to pay me $130,000 to shut up.” That was a reference to the hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. Those payments were at the heart of Trump’s criminal conviction on New York state charges in 2024.

Kimmel also made jokes about Melania Trump.

“As you’re all aware, Melania is a movie star now. Her documentary had a score of 10% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a website named after her husband’s testicles.”

“Oh, by the way, before we go any further, Melania, this is Donald. Donald, this is Melania. That was my impression of Jeffrey Epstein.” (Earlier this month, the First Lady summoned the news media as she made a statement denying rumors that Epstein, the convicted sex offender, introduced her to her future husband.)

Then there were jokes about others, including Stephen Miller, Trump’s senior adviser.

“Stephen Miller is so racist. The reason he went bald is because his hair was black. Steven Miller puts the cist in white supremacist. He’s like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us.”

Then Kimmel joked about Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary.

“Pete’s hair has more oil in it right now than the Strait of Hormuz. And don’t worry about the strait. Pete has a plan. I know that for a fact. His wife accidentally butt texted the plans to me. Later on, Pete’s gonna read us a Bible passage from Pulp Fiction, so stick around.”

In addition to other figures like Vice President JD Vance, FBI Director Kash Patel and Health and Human Services Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr., Kimmel riffed on Brendan Carr, the chairman of the FCC.

“I’m almost out of time. Brendan Carr has given me the light. Brendan Carr is the head of the FCC. Back in September, he tried to get my affiliates to throw me off the air. He said we could do this ‘the easy way or the hard way.’ Same thing he said to Lindsey Graham, 10 minutes ago in the all-gender restroom.”

Kimmel said that mentalist Pearlman will be a guest on his show Monday night.

Trump last attended the dinner in 2015, just before he launched his presidential campaign. But his most memorable appearance at the dinner was four years earlier, when he was still the star of Celebrity Apprentice yet was weighing a bid for the White House. That night, he was the butt of jokes from the featured entertainer, Seth Meyers, and from President Barack Obama. Captured by the C-SPAN cameras, Trump was hardly laughing along and looked none too happy.

Meyers quipped that night, “Donald Trump has been saying that he’ll run for president as a Republican, which is surprising, since I just assumed he was running as a joke.”