Family rifts are painfully common in Britain. One report suggests that one in five families are affected by estrangement. So the Windsors aren\u2019t alone in navigating one. When Prince Harry had tea with the King this week it was his first meeting with his father since February last year. He was last seen publicly with his brother, William, in 2023 at their father\u2019s coronation. <\/p>\n
People cut contact with relatives for many reasons, from conflict over values, lifestyles, money, favouritism and unfair treatment to divorce, toxic dynamics and abuse. Often the pain and suffering is widespread, with \u201cinnocent\u201d family members affected too. While maintaining distance can be the right choice, sometimes people wish to reconcile but struggle to untangle years of rage, hurt and distrust. Here, the family therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet gives his advice.<\/p>\n
How to break the silence<\/p>\n
Whether you can do this depends on how strongly you want to repair what\u2019s broken. Understand that it\u2019s not about obliterating yourself or forgetting your hurt \u2014 or your contribution to the rift. It is about setting your ego aside so you can listen to what the estranged family member has to say. Can you find the capacity to give them the benefit of the doubt, to believe they didn\u2019t set out deliberately to hurt or destroy you? It\u2019s important to understand that breaking a silence starts with the heart, not the mind. It\u2019s a softer approach.<\/p>\n
\u2022 Prince Harry, King Charles and the rift 40 years in the making<\/a><\/p>\n You can\u2019t expect the person you\u2019re reconnecting with to have changed<\/p>\n While you may have changed, you can\u2019t assume they have. In clinic I remind clients that if you do something expecting a return, you must have made an investment. If you do something without condition, that\u2019s love. Ego and expectation stand in the way of reconciliation, and I\u2019ve seen people get very resentful: \u201cI made all this effort so why aren\u2019t they reciprocating?\u201d What I suggest is, you want the other person to know how you feel, and you can allow them to feel how they feel. You are exploring where the other person stands, hoping they\u2019re willing to move towards you, but you can\u2019t make assumptions. <\/p>\n The first encounter may not instantly heal a rift \u2014 manage your expectations <\/p>\n A reconciliation takes time. Yes, the other person may be delighted to hear from you and respond instantly, but they may need time to reflect. It\u2019s easy to take offence. But this isn\u2019t only about you. You can only be aware of your emotions and what they\u2019re about. You can\u2019t guarantee that the other person has been as reflective. Be patient.<\/p>\n Sometimes a letter is better than a text<\/p>\n Write, speak, communicate from the heart, not from pure logic. This is about feelings. I recommend a handwritten letter as the first approach. There\u2019s sincere effort in putting pen to paper. Unlike a text, with its expectation of an instant response, it allows the recipient space. However, it may take a series of letters and cards for the other person to respond. If it\u2019s what you really want, it\u2019s important to persevere. This is especially true if there has been estrangement between a parent and an adult child, and you\u2019re the parent. If the child is angry and hurt, the parent must be the bigger person.<\/p>\n \u2022 What\u2019s it like to be estranged from your family?<\/a><\/p>\n How to say sorry if you were the one who needed to<\/p>\n It\u2019s not always necessary to say sorry. Your behaviour and intentions can show contrition more convincingly than words can. Certainly, if you do say sorry, it doesn\u2019t need to be what I call the \u201cblanket sorry\u201d. Being specific helps: \u201cI\u2019m sorry about what I said the last time we met.\u201d Don\u2019t say sorry if you\u2019re saying it only to prompt an apology. That suggests underlying resentment and that your apology isn\u2019t heartfelt.<\/p>\n Reconciliation isn\u2019t always the right thing <\/p>\n I advise clients that if a relationship was abusive in any way, they should think very hard about returning to it. Examine why the relationship faltered, and be very clear what you don\u2019t want. Sometimes people attempt a reconciliation and realise it isn\u2019t right for them after all. Perhaps the family member refuses to see your perspective, or accept their role in the rift. If you\u2019re not able to forgive someone that\u2019s OK, but forgive yourself for that, otherwise you\u2019ll carry shame and guilt along the lines of: \u201cWhat kind of a person am I, that I can\u2019t forgive?\u201d<\/p>\n How important is forgiveness?<\/p>\n Forgiveness matters because it gives you peace of mind. You may not be able to forgive fully. But if you have enough capacity to forgive \u2014 or at least let go of certain things \u2014 bitterness doesn\u2019t eat away at you. It\u2019s not about letting the other person get away with every wrongdoing. Contrary to what many think, forgiveness is not a rational decision, it\u2019s emotional. You may want to do it, but it doesn\u2019t exist until it\u2019s truly felt. You want to reconnect, and even if there are things that rankle, there\u2019s a sense of acceptance. This is a good start. It may even be enough. As for wanting to be forgiven, that requires a genuine understanding of the pain the other person experienced, and being able to accommodate it.<\/p>\n