There are times when Jay Spring believes he is \u201cthe greatest person on planet Earth\u201d. The 22-year-old from Los Angeles is a diagnosed narcissist, and in his most grandiose moments, \u201cit can get really delusional\u201d, he says. \u201cYou are on cloud nine and you\u2019re like, \u2018Everyone\u2019s going to know that I\u2019m better than them \u2026 I\u2019ll do great things for the world\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
For Spring, these periods of self-aggrandisement are generally followed by a \u201ccrash\u201d, when he feels emotional and embarrassed by his behaviour, and is particularly vulnerable to criticism from others. He came to suspect that he may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) after researching his symptoms online \u2013 and was eventually diagnosed by a professional. But he doesn\u2019t think he would have accepted the diagnosis had he not already come to the conclusion on his own. \u201cIf you try to tell somebody that they have this disorder, they\u2019ll probably deny it,\u201d he says \u2013 especially if they experience feelings of superiority, as he does. \u201cThey\u2019re in a delusional world that they made for themselves. And that world is like, I\u2019m the greatest and nobody can question me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Though people have been labelled as narcissists for more than a century, it\u2019s not always clear what is meant by the term. \u201cEveryone calls everybody a narcissist,\u201d says W Keith Campbell, psychology professor at the University of Georgia and a narcissism expert. The word is \u201cused more than it should be\u201d \u2013 but when it comes to a formal diagnosis, he believes many people hide it, as there is so much stigma around the disorder. A narcissist will tend to have \u201can inflated view of oneself\u201d, \u201ca lack of empathy\u201d, and \u201ca strategy of using people to bolster one\u2019s self-esteem or social status through things like seeking admiration, displaying material goods, seeking power,\u201d says Campbell. Those with NPD may be \u201cextremely narcissistic\u201d, to the point that \u201cthey\u2019re not able to hold down stable relationships, it damages their jobs\u201d, and they have a \u201cdistorted view of reality\u201d, he says.<\/p>\n
Though up to 75%<\/a> of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are men, research from the University of London published last year suggests this figure does not mean there are fewer narcissistic women, but that female narcissism is more often presented in the covert form<\/a> (also defined as vulnerable narcissism), which is less commonly diagnosed. \u201cMen\u2019s narcissism tends to be a bit more accepted, just kind of like everything in society,\u201d says Atlanta-based Kaelah Oberdorf, 23, who posts about her NPD and borderline personality disorder (BPD) diagnoses on TikTok<\/a>. It is not uncommon to see the two disorders co-occur.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never cared about anyone really, so I\u2019ve never taken relationships seriously<\/p>\n \u201cI really struggle with handling criticism and rejection,\u201d says Oberdorf , \u201cbecause if I hear that the problem is me, I either go into defence mode or I completely shut down.\u201d Despite having this response \u2013 which is sometimes referred to as \u201cnarcissistic injury\u201d, she has been trying to overcome it and take advice from her loved ones, as she doesn\u2019t want to slip into the harmful behaviour of her past. \u201cI was very emotionally abusive to my partners as a teenager,\u201d she says. Through dialectical behavioural therapy, she has been able to mitigate her NPD symptoms, and she says she and her current boyfriend \u201chave a dynamic where I told him, \u2018If I say something messed up, if I say something manipulative, call it out right then and there\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n Oberdorf grew up primarily in the care of her father and says she lacked positive role models as a child. \u201cI\u2019ve been learning all this time what is and is not appropriate to say during a fight because I never had that growing up,\u201d she says. \u201cNothing was off-limits when my family members were insulting me when I was growing up.\u201d<\/p>\n Kaelah Oberdorf: \u2018Nothing was off-limits when family members were insulting me when I was growing up.\u2019<\/p>\n Personality disorders tend to be associated with difficulties as a child. \u201cThere is a genetic component,\u201d says Tennyson Lee, an NHS consultant psychiatrist who works at the DeanCross personality disorder service in London. But, when someone develops narcissistic traits, it is often \u201clinked to that individual\u2019s particular early environment\u201d. Those traits were \u201ctheir strategy in some ways to survive at a very early age\u201d, he adds, when they may have been neglected, or only shown love that was conditional on meeting certain expectations. They then \u201ccontinue to use those same mechanisms as adults\u201d.<\/p>\n Like several of the NPD-diagnosed people I speak to, John (not his real name) thinks his parents \u201cmay be narcissists themselves\u201d. The 38-year-old from Leeds says when he was a child, \u201ceverything was all about them and their work and their social life. So it was like, stay out of our way.\u201d When their focus was on him, it came in the form of \u201ca great amount of pressure\u201d to achieve good grades and career success, he says, which made him feel that if he didn\u2019t meet their standards, he wasn\u2019t \u201cgood enough\u201d.<\/p>\n When he became an adult, none of his relationships ever worked out,. \u201cI\u2019ve never cared about anyone really,\u201d he says. \u201cSo I\u2019ve never taken relationships seriously.\u201d He didn\u2019t think he was capable of loving someone, until he met his current partner of three years, who is diagnosed with BPD, so, like him, struggles with emotional regulation. She is \u201creally understanding of the stuff that goes on in my head\u201d, he says \u2013 it was actually she who first suspected he might have NPD.<\/p>\n After a visit to his GP, John was referred to a clinical psychologist for an assessment and was told his diagnosis. He has been referred for talking therapy on the NHS (a long period of therapy is the only treatment that has been shown to help NPD patients, says Lee), but has been on the waiting list for a year and a half: \u201cThey said it is probably going to be maybe February or March next year.\u201d<\/p>\n John has only told a handful of people about his NPD diagnosis, because \u201cthere\u2019s a big stigma that all narcissists are abusers\u201d, but, privately, he has accepted it. \u201cIt helps me to understand myself better, which is always a good thing,\u201d he says. All of the people I speak to have accepted their narcissism and are seeking help for it \u2013 hence being willing to talk about it \u2013 which is probably not representative of all people with the disorder. But the existence of NPD content creators such as Oberdorf and Lee Hammock<\/a>, and the growth of online support communities, suggest that more narcissists are openly acknowledging the issues they face \u2013 and the ones they may be causing for others.<\/p>\n \u201cSeeing that you\u2019re not alone in what you\u2019re struggling with, being able to talk to other people who relate to you and maybe hearing coping mechanisms\u201d are reasons why reddit user Phteven_j <\/a>(who would like to remain anonymous) started joining in conversations about NPD online. Now a moderator of the r\/NPD<\/a> subreddit, the 37-year-old software engineer thinks he and his co-moderators are \u201cpretty good about not encouraging disordered behaviour\u201d and ensuring \u201cit\u2019s not a breeding ground for any sort of negative or disorder behaviour and more of a place where you can try to improve\u201d.<\/p>\n Illustration: Pete Reynolds\/The Guardian<\/p>\n Although, in volunteering as a moderator, \u201cI\u2019d be lying if I said that I wasn\u2019t seeking out some kind of position of authority\u201d \u2013 which arguably stems from NPD symptoms \u2013 Phteven_j believes the subreddit is largely a force for good. However, the slew of reddit users wanting to complain about narcissists (and sometimes even the existence of a subreddit that acts as a support group for them) \u201cis constant\u201d he says. Across the internet, narcissists are often \u201cpainted as almost like supervillains\u201d and the stories shared are often from the perspective of those who have been abused by someone they believe to be a narcissist. \u201cThe advice is, typically, the same: run away, you\u2019ve got to leave them, don\u2019t ever talk to them again,\u201d the moderator says.<\/p>\n Oberdorf is also critical of the way narcissism is discussed online. Social media<\/a> users have accused her of \u201cbragging\u201d about her personality disorders because she lists them on her profiles and discusses them in her content. \u201cI\u2019m not bragging about the fact that I have debilitating mental illness,\u201d she says. \u201cI am proud of the fact that I have survived with mental illnesses that statistically could have taken my life.\u201d She is keen to open up more conversations about NPD \u2013 \u201cstigma is the number one worst thing for any illness ever\u201d.<\/p>\n Jay Spring: \u2018A narcissist wanting to believe they are the best is coping with the feeling they are the worst.\u2019<\/p>\n In this age of selfies and thirst traps, it can feel that narcissism must be on the rise. But just because there are now more outlets for narcissistic behaviour, prevalence of the clinical condition doesn\u2019t seem to be increasing, says Lee. It\u2019s worth noting, Campbell adds, that \u201csocial media is making people feel worse about themselves\u201d, and, for most people, \u201cit doesn\u2019t make them feel positive about themselves or think they\u2019re awesome\u201d.<\/p>\n The way NPD diagnoses are made is \u201csuboptimal\u201d, however, according to Lee. Most of the research on NPD has been done in the US, where a paper published by the American Psychiatric Association<\/a> estimates the disorder is found in 1%\u20132% of the population. \u201cIf you make the diagnosis, then it\u2019s made on the [American Psychiatric Association\u2019s] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) guidelines, where it only captures an aspect of narcissism, which is the more overt, sort of aggressive type of narcissism, but it doesn\u2019t capture the more covert or sensitive form,\u201d says Lee.<\/p>\n There are two most commonly talked about types of narcissism. The first is the \u201cgrandiose\u201d or \u201covert\u201d form, which manifests in stereotypically narcissistic behaviours such as aggression and attention-seeking. The second is a \u201cvulnerable\u201d or \u201ccovert\u201d narcissist, which is \u201cthe kind of individual the clinician might miss, because they often come across as far more contained, even self-effacing at times\u201d, Lee says. Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism \u201care different sides of the same coin\u201d, he says. Both types will have an inflated sense of their own importance, but for a covert narcissist that may mean a hypersensitivity to criticism or a victim mentality rather than a desire to put themselves in the spotlight.<\/p>\n Campbell points out that there is a risk of narcissists \u201cusing social media to maintain their narcissism\u201d, as it can be a tool \u201cto get favourable attention or positive feedback\u201d, but does see the benefit of positive role models and support for people with NPD. When a celebrity, such as the American comedian Nick Cannon in 2024<\/a>, \u201ccomes out with NPD and says it\u2019s causing me problems, that\u2019s a great message,\u201d says Campbell, \u201cthat\u2019s a great message\u201d.<\/p>\n Lee, too, is wary of social media being used to educate or as a support system for people with NPD, \u201cbecause there\u2019s so much misinformation\u201d. But he believes \u201cmore structured\u201d information is missing, particularly in the NHS. \u201cThe service for narcissistic individuals is very uneven throughout the UK\u201d and \u201cmany clinicians don\u2019t make the diagnosis of narcissism\u201d, Lee says, partly because they aren\u2019t primed to notice it, and partly out of reluctance to make a diagnosis that is perceived so negatively. The symptoms of NPD also mean that \u201cif a narcissist is successfully leading their life, even though they might have quite a strong level of narcissism, they\u2019re not going to seek treatment\u201d. When a patient with NPD does seek help, it is often because they have suffered negative consequences of their narcissistic behaviour, or a partner or family member has encouraged them.<\/p>\n Spring wishes people would reframe the way they think about narcissists. \u201cA narcissist is attempting to believe that they are the best because that is the coping mechanism for feeling like: \u2018I am the worst,\u2019\u201d he says. \u201cThere\u2019s something missing with me and I need to be in this fantasy world where I\u2019m the hero because maybe in my childhood I was the villain and now I need to overcompensate for that.\u201d<\/p>\n NPD is clearly a condition that requires psychological help, but Oberdorf can understand why narcissists don\u2019t seek it: \u201cIf you have a problem, and you are constantly being told that people with your type of specific problem are unworthy, or they\u2019re evil, or they\u2019re horrible people because of this problem, why would you want to admit that you have that problem?\u201d<\/p>\n