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\n Photo-Illustration: Marylu Herrera\n <\/p>\n
In this week\u2019s story, a Los Angeles woman gets settled in her postdivorce life: 35, single, Brooklyn<\/p>\n
DAY ONE<\/p>\n
7:20 a.m. I wake up in my charming new Brooklyn apartment feeling a mix of excitement and anxiety. I\u2019m new here, both to the brownstone and to New York. I\u2019m lucky that a friend of a friend was looking to sublet her place for a year and her rent isn\u2019t that bad. I just got divorced, and my ex is still in our place in Los Angeles, so I needed to get the hell out of dodge.<\/p>\n
9 a.m. I try not to start work until 9 a.m. on most days. I\u2019m in my little home office going through what feels like 500 emails. I\u2019m an interior designer with a thriving business and many high-profile clients, some on the West Coast and fortunately enough here in New York to justify my yearlong sabbatical.<\/p>\n
12 p.m. Chris texts me two suggestions for drinks tomorrow night. I\u2019ve never heard of either of the places but after a quick Google, I deduce that they\u2019re nice and \u201cadult.\u201d A good sign. He\u2019s a sexy artist I met online, but I can\u2019t tell if he\u2019s a broke dirtbag or not \u2014 the bar selections are reassuring. Honestly, I just want to flirt and have sex with someone. I\u2019m in no position to date or fall in love. It\u2019s tricky to navigate that fact because I also want kids and I\u2019m 35. I\u2019m constantly trying to quiet my anxiety over my biological clock, telling myself that everything will be okay.<\/p>\n
4:30 p.m. My mom, who is also a designer but now retired and living upstate, calls me from the Amtrak train to let me know it\u2019s running late. She\u2019s coming in for the night to see the new apartment (which, to our disappointment, came furnished \u2014 it\u2019s fine, very Ikea). My mom is my best friend, but she\u2019s desperate for more grandchildren (my brother has two kids whom she sees almost every day in their upstate town), and every time I see her, I feel pressure to get pregnant. I hope she\u2019ll take it easy on me tonight.<\/p>\n
My divorce was rough but could have been worse. We were only married a year, but he cheated on me. I found out because the girl turned out to be a full-blown sociopath and she DM\u2019d me more than I ever needed to know \u2014 texts between them, a picture of him in her bathroom naked. It was a gut punch, of course, but the craziest part was I wasn\u2019t entirely shocked. He was always kind of a party boy, an epic flirt, and a chef. That doesn\u2019t mean I wasn\u2019t destroyed. Mark was the love of my life. We met because I designed his first restaurant in California. It was a crazy, stupid love, and I was essentially addicted to him from day one. And to the sex.\u00a0Recovering from our breakup has been a process, but we\u2019ve been broken up for a year and change (the divorce paperwork took half a year), and after lots of therapy and a move across the country, I feel healthy again. Just hoping my mom\u2019s baby-pushing won\u2019t upset me tonight.<\/p>\n
9 p.m. My mom got in so late that we end up making frozen pizzas and a salad and not leaving my apartment. I can tell she\u2019s relieved to see me happy and back on my feet. I can also sense that she\u2019s deeply worried about me being single at this age, but we leave that as the elephant in the room. She sleeps in my bed and it\u2019s good to have her here.<\/p>\n
DAY TWO<\/p>\n
8:20 a.m. My mom goes out to get us some Starbucks, and then Mark texts. He\u2019s been calling and texting about trivial things lately \u2014 a bill from a landscaper we used two years ago, a design question about the bungalow we lived in (and he owns), a silly inside joke about a silly inside joke. It\u2019s like, as soon as we settled the divorce, we both fell into this state of \u201ccan\u2019t live with you, can\u2019t live without you\u201d friendship with a strong sexual undertone. I\u2019m no longer filled with hatred for him. But I think there\u2019s also something codependent about it. The fact that I don\u2019t tell anyone in my life that we still text all the time is a sign that something about it feels unwell.<\/p>\n
10:30 a.m. I leave my mom at my apartment to visit a client who is renovating a massive brownstone in Carroll Gardens. I need to take ugly, horribly lit \u201cbefore\u201d photos so that the nice, shiny makeover posts will really pop. It\u2019s hard to make this place look ugly, to be honest.<\/p>\n
2 p.m. Visiting a showroom in Chelsea to look at tiles. Riveting!<\/p>\n
4 p.m. My mom calls to say she\u2019s going back upstate because my brother needs her to babysit tonight. He lives down the street from her. I\u2019m constantly thanking him for scratching her grandmotherly itch so I don\u2019t have to.<\/p>\n
5 p.m. Chris texts about the timing for tonight. I almost forgot I have a date. I\u2019m knee-deep in fabrics now, at another showroom, so I tell him the later the better. We decide on 8 p.m. and I pick the place that\u2019s closest to me. The very best part about living in New York after L.A. is all the walking, so I\u2019ll always go wherever is walkable.<\/p>\n
8 p.m. Chris is actually just as hot IRL as he is in the photos. He\u2019s tall. He smells good. He\u2019s very emo. After we start talking about our relationship history he tells me he needs to be transparent about something: He\u2019s a sex addict and he\u2019s in recovery. He goes to meetings and everything. It\u2019s a lot for me to process, especially since my marriage was destroyed by an affair. I don\u2019t want to punish Chris for telling me the truth, but there\u2019s no part of me that wants to date a sex addict. My guard goes up and I tell him that I wish him well, but I\u2019m too raw to do this. We both commend ourselves for having such an evolved conversation, but I walk away feeling like he shared his truth and I made him feel bad about it. Well, I have to look out for myself right now.<\/p>\n
DAY THREE<\/p>\n
8:30 a.m. I\u2019m walking to the gynecologist\u2019s office. I got her name from a client who ended up becoming a friend.<\/p>\n
9:30 a.m. We talk about freezing my eggs, which I might do. I appreciate that the doctor doesn\u2019t sugarcoat anything. When I tell her that my mom lives less than two hours away and is hyperinvolved in her kids\u2019 lives, she suggests getting a sperm donor and doing it on my own because I have so much family support. I tell her I\u2019m not there yet but maybe. She also suggests I go on birth control, but frankly, the only person I\u2019ve had sex with since leaving Mark was \u2026 Mark. And yes, I made him wear a condom because he\u2019s obviously not to be trusted. It was a few days before I moved to New York, and it was a hate-fuck for the ages. Tears, screaming, slapping, and coming.<\/p>\n
11 a.m. I run home to do a Zoom with a client who lives in Puerto Rico. We\u2019re going to discuss some pics she sent me. I really love my work and I\u2019m blessed to be booked and busy. When I was in my 20s, I got very lucky that a project I worked on won some awards and got profiled in a big magazine, and since then I\u2019ve been on a roll.<\/p>\n
4 p.m. Mark FaceTimes. He wants to see my new apartment. He wants to know if I\u2019m watching anything good on TV. He\u2019s been extremely attentive to me since I moved across the country. He\u2019s apologized for cheating on me numerous times, and we\u2019re past that, but I really don\u2019t know why he\u2019s still so up my ass. I\u2019ve forgiven him. And we can be friends. But it\u2019s a little bit weird and only amplified in the last few days. My guess is someone he was seeing dumped him and he\u2019s feeling needy.<\/p>\n
7:30 p.m. I pour a glass of wine and finish up some work emails. I\u2019m working on a design book. I\u2019m trying to hire an assistant. It\u2019s all positive.<\/p>\n
9 p.m. I scroll the apps while watching TV. Someone named Geoff seems kind of interesting. We talk for a long time, make a plan to meet over the weekend at one of the Brooklyn bars that\u2019s on a boat, and then he tells me that he actually lives in Melbourne and is there right now. Fuck you, dude. I want those two hours back.<\/p>\n
11 p.m. Open my nightstand and take out a vibrator. It occurs to me that there\u2019s a good chance my mom saw my vibes when she kindly tidied my room. Oh well. I know she had one too, only hers was huge, and it needed to be plugged in with a big cord.<\/p>\n
DAY FOUR<\/p>\n
9 a.m. I go to Pilates twice a week wherever I\u2019m living. I hate every second of it, but I work out client issues in my head the entire time and then it\u2019s over.<\/p>\n
10:15 a.m. On the walk home, I call my friend Erica. We\u2019ve been friends since childhood and she helped me find my new apartment. She\u2019s on maternity leave, so I want to check on her and the new baby. I\u2019m not going to lie, it hurts me to hear about my friends and their kids and pregnancies. I\u2019m not proud of it, but that\u2019s where I\u2019m at. I do a good job faking it, and Erica knows not to overdo the mom talk. She says she wants to set me up with her husband\u2019s friend from work. That means he\u2019s a finance guy. I\u2019ve never liked finance guys. I like chefs, writers, and musicians. But I\u2019m open-minded so I tell her to go for it. She tells me his name \u2014 Gary something \u2014 and I pretend not to care but I remember it and plan to Google him ASAP.<\/p>\n
2 p.m. This Gary man is hot as fuck. He\u2019s been on TV talking about financial stuff, so I can actually see what he really looks like and I\u2019m very attracted to him. He\u2019s edgy-ish for a finance guy. I text Erica a reminder text to set us up.<\/p>\n
6 p.m. I don\u2019t want to sound psycho, but no response from Erica yet and I\u2019m suddenly feeling so horny for Gary, and maybe a little lonely too.<\/p>\n
9 p.m. Mark texts and says he\u2019s coming to NYC next week for some chef event. Oy. I don\u2019t know how to respond, so I don\u2019t write back.<\/p>\n
11 p.m. Go to bed feeling sad that the Gary thing might not happen and the Mark thing is getting fucked up. Nevertheless, I masturbate and I imagine Gary eating me out in some hideous finance-bro fuckpad.<\/p>\n
DAY FIVE<\/p>\n
9:30 a.m. I look to see if Erica has so much as liked my text. I found Gary on Instagram, so I could just DM him? The truth is, I just want to have sex with him, or with anyone?! This shouldn\u2019t be so hard.<\/p>\n
11:35 a.m. Pivot into work mode. I have a few new business proposals to get out, and I\u2019m chasing a contractor I work with who\u2019s ghosted one of my top clients.<\/p>\n
4:45 p.m. I\u2019ve been at my desk all day, and I\u2019m starving. I order a burrito from a place I\u2019ve never heard of. I hate not knowing where the good food is here \u2014 it makes me feel like a tourist.<\/p>\n
7p.m. I\u2019m seeing an Off Broadway play with a friend, Amy, tonight, so we meet for a drink first. Amy isn\u2019t drinking, so I know what comes next \u2014 she\u2019s pregnant! She\u2019s been with her boyfriend for ten years, so it was only a matter of time. Happy for her, but it\u2019s never fun to drink a martini with someone sipping water.<\/p>\n
10 p.m. The play was really cool and it was a good NYC night. Erica hasn\u2019t responded about the Gary set-up so I\u2019m gonna have to drop it. I still finger myself imagining how dirty-minded and sex-crazed he probably is.<\/p>\n
DAY SIX<\/p>\n
9 a.m. It\u2019s Saturday, but I always work on Saturdays. Today I\u2019m having breakfast with a client who wants to go over artwork. She\u2019s hired an art consultant who is joining us. I have to admit, my wealthiest clients have the worst taste in art.<\/p>\n
11:50 a.m. Erica texts about a dinner party they\u2019re throwing tomorrow night! She\u2019s going to try to get Gary to come. I love the idea of this. I text her that it sounds great and ask what I should bring. She writes back and says I should just bring my sexy self.<\/p>\n
3 p.m. It\u2019s a good excuse to bake something, so I Google some recipes for summery things. I used to love baking with Mark. He was the chef, obviously, but I was more of the entertainer at home. We had a good life for a second before he blew it all up.<\/p>\n
7 p.m. While I drink wine and bake a cheesecake with fresh berries, I can\u2019t help but text Mark the photos of the mess (I\u2019m a very messy baker and he always called me out for it). I realize he\u2019s in the middle of dinner prep at work, so I know he won\u2019t respond.<\/p>\n
10 p.m. I\u2019m in a weird mood, kind of missing Mark, kind of anxious for tomorrow, kind of lonely, kind of empowered. I try not to overanalyze myself.<\/p>\n
DAY SEVEN<\/p>\n
9 a.m. Pilates.<\/p>\n
11:45 a.m. A client who lives near my brother and mother upstate is freaking out because she hates the color of white paint that she chose. It was a color I advised against, so I have to figure out how to help her without saying \u201cI told you so.\u201d<\/p>\n
3 p.m. I happened to have a haircut scheduled for today so it\u2019s great timing. I have long curly hair and I\u2019ll get it blown straight for tonight. I always feel most fuckable when my hair is straight. But I have to go right from the cut to Erica\u2019s. So I bring the cheesecake with me. It\u2019s hot out today so this is a bit of a shitshow, but I make it work thanks to a big cooler and some high-level food-packing skills that I learned from Mark when he\u2019d cater events.<\/p>\n
5 p.m. Hair blown, cheesecake in hand, I arrive at Erica\u2019s. I\u2019m the first one there, and she joyfully introduces me to the baby, and I realize that I should have brought a baby present. I feel like a selfish asshole. They\u2019re happy about the cheesecake though!<\/p>\n
6 p.m. Random couple friends arrive. No one I\u2019m that interested in talking to. I don\u2019t want to stalk Erica or her husband about Gary, but I\u2019m thinking, Where is he? When they start to serve dinner, I say, \u201cIs everyone here already?\u201d That\u2019s when Erica remembers to tell me that Gary has a new girlfriend and they had something else to do tonight. Why does this break my heart? I don\u2019t even know the guy. I try to act casual about it but feel very sad inside.<\/p>\n
9 p.m. I\u2019m home. It was a perfectly decent night, but hardly the night I imagined. Single life is hard \u2026 it might only get harder. I have to accept that and figure out my game plan.<\/p>\n
10 p.m. Mark texts. He wants to know if he can stay with me when he comes to New York. I tell him it\u2019s not a good idea. But there\u2019s a part of me that knows he\u2019ll wind up here anyway. A woman has needs \u2026<\/p>\n
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