Dear Eric: My mother is in her last months of life. She has been cared for in her home for the last three years by increasingly expensive home health care workers. I and other siblings have suggested over and over that she be put in a care home for round-the-clock care, but our oldest sibling (we\u2019ll call them Jimmy) has steadfastly refused, saying nursing homes let people die and neglect patients and cause massive bedsores and all sorts of terrible over-the-top excuses.<\/p>\n
Well, now that Jimmy\u2019s own mother-in-law is going into a nursing home Jimmy has decided it\u2019s time for our mother to go as well.<\/p>\n
We have had family meetings where we decide as a sibling group how to care for our mother and then Jimmy goes against the group decision. Prior to the conflict over our mother\u2019s care, I had a good, albeit not close, relationship with this sibling, but now I\u2019m so frustrated by the selfish choices made regarding our mother\u2019s care that I\u2019m ready to say goodbye forever once mom is buried.<\/p>\n
Should I let years of bullying in regard to caring for our mother be the cause to cut off contact with Jimmy?<\/p>\n
\u2013 Frustrated Little Sister<\/p>\n
Dear Sister: It\u2019s really unfortunate that Jimmy is dealing with the stress, confusion, and grief of this phase of life by refusing to collaborate and resorting to, as you write, bullying behavior. Perhaps in his mind, he\u2019s the one keeping the ship right. Perhaps he\u2019s grasping after a version of life that\u2019s no longer possible. I have empathy for him and for you, but the fact is that no matter his intentions, he\u2019s caused harm in your relationship and that needs repair.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t cut him off but do have a conversation with him about the way you\u2019ve interacted in the past. There\u2019s no need to rehash old conflicts, but it\u2019s fine to say something like \u201cI didn\u2019t like being in conflict about mom\u2019s care. I want us to have a different relationship going forward. How can we do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com<\/a> or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram<\/a> and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n