This ties into what Dr. Manser refers to as \u201cnarcissistic extension\u201d: \u201cIt\u2019s the idea that narcissists see their kids not as independent people, but as reflections [or extensions] of themselves.\u201d In other words, if their daughter does well in school, it reinforces their social image: I\u2019m a great person. I raised a winner. People will admire me. On the flip side, deviating from perfection\u2014not landing the lead in a school play or getting hormonal acne\u2014registers as a personal humiliation rather than an inevitable part of growing up and being human. So in that upbringing, excelling stops being about achievement or passion\u2014it becomes a survival strategy to earn love and approval.<\/p>\n
5. You carry extreme guilt.<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t about feeling bad over actual mistakes. We\u2019re talking about feeling guilt for simply existing.<\/p>\n
\u201cNarcissist parents are often inconvenienced by their children and will communicate it with language like, \u2018Oh, you always ask for so much from me,\u2019 or \u2018After everything I\u2019ve done for you,\u2019\u201d Dr. Durvasula points out. Over time, ordinary needs\u2014help with homework, comfort when you\u2019re sick, reassurance after a bad day\u2014can be treated as unreasonable. What\u2019s more, \u201cyou also may feel guilty for even thinking any \u2018bad\u2019 thoughts about your parents,\u201d Dr. Durvasula adds\u2014convincing yourself, \u201cAt least they fed me,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m such an ungrateful daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Part of what makes this dynamic especially hard is that narcissism tends to be a stable personality structure, not a temporary phase, according to both experts. Meaning, unless they have an unusual level of self-awareness or a genuine motivation<\/a> to change, \u201cnarcissists are probably not going to,\u201d says Dr. Durvasula, who works with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse. Generally speaking, \u201cthis is who they are.\u201d<\/p>\n So when it comes to healing your inner child<\/a>, the process becomes less about \u201cfixing\u201d your mom and dad, and more about adjusting your expectations. For some, that might mean reducing in-person family visits to holidays and birthdays only or keeping certain topics (your dating life, your career) off-limits. Essentially, \u201cyou learn new rules of engagement, so it\u2019s not always about completely cutting them off,\u201d Dr. Durvasula says\u2014though in certain cases, no contact<\/a> can be the healthiest option, too.<\/p>\n While you can acknowledge and be grateful for what your parents provided, it\u2019s equally important\u2014and okay\u2014to be honest about what was missing. Those truths, experts remind us, aren\u2019t mutually exclusive, even if you were raised to believe they were.<\/p>\n Related:<\/p>\n