{"id":629551,"date":"2026-04-26T09:27:08","date_gmt":"2026-04-26T09:27:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/629551\/"},"modified":"2026-04-26T09:27:08","modified_gmt":"2026-04-26T09:27:08","slug":"i-wanted-alcohol-to-take-me-to-a-place-where-i-was-not-comedian-john-robins-on-the-moment-he-realised-he-had-a-drinking-problem-john-robins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/629551\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I wanted alcohol to take me to a place where I was not\u2019: comedian John Robins on the moment he realised he had a drinking problem | John Robins"},"content":{"rendered":"

The comedian John Robins<\/a> has always loved talking about booze. In his standup, he used to portray himself as a bon viveur who knew how to give himself the best of times; a larky drinker out for a laugh; a nerdy tippler who recorded nights out in Sherlock Holmes-themed notepads \u2013 arrival time, drinks consumed, percentages of alcohol, pub atmosphere. He also had a routine about contracting gout, even though he never has done in real life.<\/p>\n

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On the radio, he hosted a show with his friend Elis James in which they meticulously detailed pub crawls and coined the phrase \u201cKeep it session\u201d, encouraging listeners to stick to low-alcohol beer when out for the whole evening. If anybody was in doubt about his love of booze, Robins then devised a podcast series called The Moon Under Water<\/a>, named after George Orwell\u2019s 1946 essay describing the perfect pub. In it, Robins and his co-host Robin Allender invited guests to design their dream watering hole. Yet, despite dedicating so much time to the discussion of booze, Robins could never find the right word to describe his relationship with it. Then in 2023 he finally discovered it: alcoholic.<\/p>\n

He revealed this in another podcast series he co-presented with James called How Do You Cope?<\/a>, in which they invited guests to talk about how they had got through life\u2019s toughest trials. Not only did it emerge that Robins had been diagnosed as an alcoholic, it also transpired that the Oxford-educated, Edinburgh comedy award-winning<\/a>, Taskmaster-triumphing success story had never been able to cope.<\/p>\n

After touring with Howl<\/a>, a standup show about his addiction, he has now written a book about it. The title could not be more blunt \u2013 Thirst<\/a>. The publisher initially wanted to go with the subtitle alone; Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life is sexier, jollier and more marketable. But Thirst is infinitely more powerful. And it is Thirst that gets to the heart of Robins\u2019s relationship with alcohol. Throughout his life, it\u2019s been a craving.<\/p>\n

The book\u2019s cover is as blunt as the title. It features a gorgeous blond curly-haired little boy, both hands clenching a can of lager, the contents of which he appears to be pouring down his throat. And this, in one shocking image, is the story of Robins\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

We meet at his home in Buckinghamshire, which is surrounded by football and cricket pitches, and little else. There are no roaring cars, no hum of activity, not so much as hushed conversation. Just blissful silence and birdsong. Though he has lived here for 10 years, you sense the peace is an important part of his rehabilitation.<\/p>\n

His tiny cottage is crammed with stuff \u2013 tributes to his hero Freddie Mercury<\/a>, awards, golf clubs, poetry books and unlikely knick-knacks. Perhaps the most unlikely is a doll of himself, a keepsake from his stint on Taskmaster in 2024. It\u2019s all magnificently ordered. He\u2019s wearing a Bonnie \u2018Prince\u2019 Billy<\/a> T-shirt (another hero) and a Dark Star Brewing cap. I say I\u2019m surprised at the cap \u2013 lots of recovering alcoholics would throw reminders of booze in the bin. He smiles. \u201cI know. This is a slight problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

Then he stops, and changes his mind. \u201cNo, the cap isn\u2019t the issue. I have to exist in a world with alcohol in it, and I can make that really difficult or I can make that as easy as it\u2019s ever going to be. I could move to a dry county in America if I wanted to. But it would be an enormous arse ache and it would ruin my life. I could go through the house and remove every reference to booze and every photo of me drinking, but I don\u2019t know that would help. So whether I wear the cap is neither here nor there. I can obsess about alcohol not wearing the cap.\u201d He laughs. \u201cAnd besides, it\u2019s the only cap I\u2019ve got that actually fits my head.\u201d<\/p>\n

Like many standups, Robins is a little manic on stage. Stories are told in an exaggerated manner, his voice rises in pitch and the delivery becomes turbo-charged, high-anxiety bordering on the hysterical (in both senses). In person, he couldn\u2019t be more different \u2013 calm, gentle, a good listener. He speaks quietly, precisely, every thought measured out by the teaspoon. Even now, he is still working out exactly what his relationship to alcohol was \u2013 why he needed it, what it did for him, how it almost destroyed him. For most of his life, he assumed he got more out of alcohol than alcohol took from him. Now he knows it was always the other way round.<\/p>\n

Robins first came across booze when he was five or six at a family celebration when the grownups were drinking champagne. He noticed it made them relaxed, begged for a sip, then pretended he was drunk. His next encounter, now aged seven, was more significant. At the time it seemed so innocent. Now he looks back and says even then he showed all the signs of an alcoholic. The adults were drinking a bottle of Jacob\u2019s Creek, which was kept in the kitchen. He pretended he was going to the loo, sneaked off there, poured himself some wine disguised in orange juice. Sure enough he was caught by his mother, and the adults made a joke of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome people would go, \u2018He\u2019s seven! He\u2019s not an alcoholic, he\u2019s seven!\u2019 But I know that same obsession he had, which he wasn\u2019t aware of, is the same obsession I have now.\u201d Wasn\u2019t it more that the young Robins knew it was forbidden than that it was alcohol? He shakes his head. \u201cNo. It was always different to everything else. I didn\u2019t feel like that about food or even sweets, and I\u2019ve never really been tempted by drugs. There\u2019s something about alcohol.\u201d From then on, he says, he was fixated.<\/p>\n

With his cat before leaving for Scout camp, aged 13. Photograph: courtesy of John Robins<\/p>\n

By the age of 12, he\u2019d convinced his mother to buy him a can of Woodpecker cider every Friday night to go with his fish and chips. At 13, he went to Scout camp and all he could think of was how to cajole the leaders into giving him a small bottle of beer. At 14, he performed in the school play and got drunk at the after-show party on four cans of Strongbow cider, four bottles of beer and a bottle of Archers Peach Schnapps, the equivalent of 14 pints. He then sprayed aftershave into his mouth for good measure. When he woke up the next day at the parental home of his first girlfriend, he was told he had puked in his sleep and had to be put into the recovery position to stop him choking on his vomit. And on it went.<\/p>\n

Apart from the drink, he was a model schoolboy growing up in Bristol \u2013 academic, swotty, well-behaved, likeable. Even though his father left the family when he was six, he got on with life. At 13, he and his mother moved in with his grumpy stepfather, a recovering alcoholic with whom he struggled to strike up a rapport, and still he got on with life. At Oxford University, he studied English and drank and drank and drank \u2013 anything and everything apart from whisky, which he has an aversion to. He collected empty bottles like war trophies. In 2016, now in his early 30s and an established comic, he had amassed 70 empty bottles of Captain Morgan Dark Rum in his rented flat.<\/p>\n

He attended almost every social occasion going, but he was rarely present because all his attention was dedicated to his drinking routine. \u201cMy focus was, \u2018What booze have they got? Why are people not getting another round in? I\u2019ve finished my drink; oh God, he\u2019s such a slow drinker.\u2019 All this madness. If there was a birthday party in a pub that didn\u2019t have the right drink, I\u2019d say to my friends, \u2018D\u2019you want to go to that pub next door? It\u2019s actually better.\u2019 That self-importance, that controlling \u2018This needs to go the way I want it to go on someone else\u2019s birthday\u2019, it\u2019s exhausting.\u201d<\/p>\n

It must have been horrible for your friends, too, I say. \u201cExactly. Friends would say, \u2018We just always do what you want.\u2019\u201d Does that bother him? \u201cErm \u2026 \u201d He thinks about it. Robins, aged 43, has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous since he stopped drinking. Now he says he has a toolkit to deal not just with his desire for drink but also his past behaviour. \u201cMy initial reaction is, \u2018God that\u2019s so embarrassing. You\u2019re an awful person.\u2019 But then the toolkit kicks in. Take a breath, it\u2019s OK, you know why that was happening, you\u2019ve apologised, it\u2019s OK.\u2019 That\u2019s what I\u2019ve got in my head because the danger is you go, \u2018Fuck you, you\u2019re awful, you\u2019ve always been a piece of shit, how can you treat your friends like that? You might as well have a drink right now.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

What did he think when friends told him it always had to be his way when he was drinking? \u201cThere\u2019s a phrase that I heard early in sobriety which is \u2018The piece of shit at the centre of the universe\u2019. And it\u2019s such a good description of me. Of who I was. So when I heard that person going, \u2018Why do we always have to do what you want?\u2019, two things were happening. I was going, \u2018Fucking hell, John, you\u2019re awful, how can you be like this?\u2019 and the other part was going, \u2018Yeah, but it\u2019s a better pub.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny, I say \u2013 in the book you describe yourself as so meek, you\u2019ve never had a proper argument, yet your behaviour became so controlling. \u201cI think alcohol made me controlling. That\u2019s not to blame alcohol. It was me who was being controlling. But when your focus is on getting the thing you need to survive, you\u2019re going to do some unpleasant stuff to get there. I\u2019m lucky that, through circumstance \u2013 privilege, support, friends \u2013 I wasn\u2019t doing awful stuff, I wasn\u2019t stealing.\u201d Again he comes to a sudden stop. \u201cActually that\u2019s not true. I\u2019ve stolen so much booze in my life. But I wasn\u2019t violent. I could be controlling, inflexible and a pain in the arse, but I was doing my best. If my friends were here, they\u2019d say, \u2018You\u2019re fine, chill out, don\u2019t be so hard on yourself.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

There were times he stopped drinking. At the age of 22, he went teetotal for 18 months and started doing standup comedy. He realised he didn\u2019t need alcohol to stand on a stage. Robins says he has never done a gig drunk; that he owes it to his audience to be sober while they\u2019re out having a good time. For most of his professional life, his reward has been getting smashed when he gets home. Eighteen months after giving up, he thought he\u2019d proved to himself that he could do without alcohol, so he started drinking again. Heavily, of course. By the age of 29, he thought he was overdoing it, so he stopped again. This time he struggled, and 10 months later he was back on the booze. For the next decade until he was 40, he drank excessively.<\/p>\n

double quotation markThere\u2019s a phrase I heard early in sobriety: \u2018The piece of shit at the centre of the universe.\u2019 And it\u2019s such a good description of who I wasOn stage in 2017<\/p>\n

In the book, Robins asks himself what he wanted from booze. Sometimes it sounds mystical, occasionally romantic, often desperate. \u201cI wanted alcohol to take me to a place where I was not. I remember texting a friend and saying I want to get to a place where only the music exists, so I\u2019m just receiving it. And maybe just for a couple of seconds I get into this headspace where I think I\u2019m not here, I\u2019m just hearing this song. That\u2019s what made alcohol so powerful for me. It was the closest I could get to transcendence. Also it was freedom from my thoughts, the constant prose in my head \u2013 criticism, shame, anger. I could write you a list as long as you like.\u201d<\/p>\n

What did he feel ashamed of? Robins says he doesn\u2019t know. It wasn\u2019t like guilt, rooted in the specific. He knows he always wanted a father figure, and there wasn\u2019t one there for him. Hence his obsession with Freddie Mercury, Ayrton Senna<\/a>, Roald Dahl<\/a> and other unlikely men who could never deliver for him (not least because they all died when he was young). And he knows he felt inadequate and was waiting to be exposed, though he didn\u2019t know why or what for. \u201cShame is just a very deep feeling that there is something wrong with you. And I couldn\u2019t tell you why I feel that, or used to feel that very acutely.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s such a sad, draining emotion, I say, not least when you have nothing to be ashamed of. \u201cSomeone once said to me around #MeToo that the wrong men are worried.\u201d He laughs. \u201cAnd what connects the worst men in my industry is they do not give this a second\u2019s thought. They have no guilt, no shame, no regret.\u201d Should they have? \u201cYes! They should have all mine for a start!\u201d For what? \u201cFor sexual assault for a start.\u201d He could be referring to allegations against a number of male comedians, including Russell Brand, Louis CK, Chris D\u2019Elia.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve met my share of nasty fucked-up comedians who you wouldn\u2019t want to spend a second with, I say, but you seem like a nice fuck-up and good company. \u201cThank you. You should have sat here four years ago. I would have been drinking and I don\u2019t think you would have thought, he\u2019s a guy I want to spend time with.\u201d Why not? \u201cFirst, I wouldn\u2019t have wanted you here; a stranger in my house would have freaked me out.\u201d Would he have wanted many people here? \u201cIf they were drinking in the way I was, yeah. I would have loved nothing more than to have a close friend here for hours just talking and drinking and listening to music.\u201d<\/p>\n

Robins says the last few years of his drinking were the most self-deluding. He had convinced himself he wasn\u2019t an alcoholic, just somebody who could do with cutting down. So he had two sober days a week, drank low-proof alcohol and became a self-righteous percentage bore. These were the days when he told all his listeners to \u201ckeep it session\u201d, like the high priest of sobriety.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d have two days off a week and have beer that was 4% not 5% and wine that was 8% not 12%. I told myself I was in control of my drinking. Not realising that if you drink two bottles of riesling and four cans of weaker beer every night, what is that? That\u2019s an alcoholic. Just an alcoholic who\u2019s drinking slightly weaker wine. I was drinking till I stumbled up to bed and passed out. But in the madness of it, I\u2019m thinking, \u2018You\u2019ve found the third way.\u2019 And when two days off became three days off a week, well, now it\u2019s plain sailing. But all the time I\u2019m harder company to be around when I\u2019m not drinking because I\u2019m obsessing about tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n

At his lowest, he says, he cut a pathetic figure. He would sit at home watching repeats of 1980s Keith Floyd<\/a> cooking shows, making the food Floyd was making and drinking the drink he was drinking. \u201cIt\u2019s so sad. \u2018What are you doing tonight?\u2019 I\u2019m having a little party with Keith Floyd from the 80s who died an alcoholic.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

At home with his Taskmaster doll. Photograph: P\u00e5l Hansen\/The Guardian<\/p>\n

Even then, it took a number of factors to crash into each other before he could accept that he was an alcoholic. In 2020, he visited his GP with a combination of anxiety, rapid weight loss and a heartbeat \u201clike a marching band\u201d. The GP told him, \u201cI\u2019ve had many patients that drink like you. I\u2019ve buried most of them. Some make 70, most die in their 50s and 60s, some in their 40s. Having the odd night off is irrelevant when you\u2019re drinking as much as you do. You need to sort your fucking life out.\u201d Still, he took no heed. Two years later yet another relationship failed. There had been so many (including one with fellow comedian Sara Pascoe<\/a>, with whom he bought the cottage we\u2019re in today), but this was the worst. He was engaged to fashion designer Coco Fennell and was convinced she was \u201cthe one\u201d. The split broke his heart, and he cracked up. In autumn 2022, he met up with his close friend (and another fellow comedian) Lou Sanders<\/a>. He told her, \u201cI want to die. I want alcohol to be the thing that kills me. I\u2019m going to drink myself to death.\u201d She held his hand, they cried and she told him he was an alcoholic and needed help.<\/p>\n

It finally registered. \u201cI\u2019d always thought alcoholics were people who drank all the time, who didn\u2019t resist, who just ruined every party because they were drunk when they turned up. But now, with the effort I\u2019d expended planning, concealing, executing my plans, I was just worn out. Just completely worn out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Robins last drank alcohol on Sunday 6 November 2022. In the book, he counts the number of days he has been sober. I ask if he\u2019s still counting. No, he says, he can\u2019t afford to because that way you end up counting away your life. Does not drinking get easier? He thinks. \u201cIt gets difficult less often.\u201d That makes more sense to him than saying easier. \u201cI have so many more ways to deal with thoughts of alcohol that I didn\u2019t have the day after I stopped drinking, or six months or a year after. And I need to draw on them less often, but I\u2019m still very new to living without alcohol, and feeling without alcohol, and succeeding and failing, being alone and being with people without alcohol. It\u2019s all new, in a sense. So if I\u2019m going to enjoy any of that, it can\u2019t be how many days has it been. It can\u2019t be like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

There have been so many struggles, he says. When he stopped, he was terrified of nights because he was so used to drinking himself to sleep. Then there was learning to cope with social occasions, seeing other people drink, adapting to a new way of experiencing the world undulled by alcohol.<\/p>\n

For now, he says, he can\u2019t do standup. \u201cAt the moment I cannot even think about it. I think it\u2019s related to not drinking; to not having my reward for going through it. I did a tour sober of my show Howl and found that very, very difficult.\u201d He believes Howl is his best show, but he got to a point where he simply couldn\u2019t perform it. What does a standup comedian do when he can no longer do standup? \u201cI can do gigs where I\u2019m just compering and there\u2019s less pressure, but I still dread those.\u201d Fortunately, he says, he\u2019s now doing three podcasts a week so there\u2019s plenty to keep him active.<\/p>\n

And then there\u2019s his struggle with relationships: \u201cThey are the most difficult part of sobriety.\u201d Beforehand, he says, when there were tensions, he could lose himself in drink. \u201cTaking away my coping mechanism is difficult for me, and that\u2019s fine. But when it\u2019s difficult for two people, that\u2019s just not fair. I don\u2019t want to cause anybody any pain.\u201d You\u2019re talking as if you\u2019re resigned to being single from now on, I say. \u201cYeah.\u201d Are you happier by yourself? \u201cYeah.\u201d Do you think this is temporary or permanent? \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t need to know. I\u2019ve lived here alone, bar a couple of months, for 10 years.\u201d Did you cause partners a lot of pain? \u201cI\u2019ve never done any of the things you might imagine people do to cause pain in relationships.\u201d You mean violence? \u201cYes, or infidelity. No screaming and shouting.\u201d But he knows he has caused pain, and he doesn\u2019t want to do that any more.<\/p>\n

There have been great triumphs in sobriety, though. His friends tell him he is so much more present, so much more thoughtful. His anxiety and self-loathing have diminished. \u201cSince I stopped drinking, I no longer feel shame as a baseline emotion, and alcohol just creates it out of nowhere. Anyone who\u2019s been hungover knows that feeling. I had therapy before you arrived, and I was talking about how a peaceful brain is available to me whenever I want it. I can\u2019t tell you what a gift that is compared with what it\u2019s like drinking all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fans now approach him and talk about how he has made them look at booze differently. Beforehand, they would tell him how much they loved to drink and discuss favourite pubs. \u201cThere are people who have got sober and they say they began that process because of me. And that\u2019s great,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

I ask about the book\u2019s subtitle, Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life. What was his favourite tipple? He couldn\u2019t say, and is no longer interested, but he knows what his favourite drink is now. \u201cI\u2019ll tell you what my desert island drink would be. Bird & Blend Buttermint Tea. It smells like Werther\u2019s Originals and tastes like butter and Murray Mints.\u201d He closes his eyes and describes it with a yearning that borders on the indecent. Then he laughs. \u201cIf I\u2019d said that to myself between the ages of 18 and 40, I would have spat in my own face.\u201d<\/p>\n

As for the evenings, he positively relishes them. \u201c8pm-10pm it\u2019s herbal tea, ambient music, crosswords, silly iPhone games. It\u2019s the best part of my day. I never saw that coming.\u201d<\/p>\n

The other night he went to a party. He was one of the first there and one of the first to leave, and he had a great time. \u201cSo in my head I can either go, \u2018Fucking hell, you\u2019re boring, you left a party at 7.45pm, everyone else is getting pissed, you\u2019re in bed at 9.45pm\u2019 and that\u2019s true. Or I can go, \u2018You got to speak to your friend, you were there for the best bit, when you could hear people talking, you met this person who\u2019s really interesting, you said goodbye. You nailed it!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Thirst by John Robins (Penguin Books Ltd, \u00a320). To support the Guardian, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com<\/a>. Delivery charges may apply.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The comedian John Robins has always loved talking about booze. In his standup, he used to portray himself…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":629552,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[32],"tags":[49,48,361,75],"class_list":{"0":"post-629551","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-celebrities","8":"tag-ca","9":"tag-canada","10":"tag-celebrities","11":"tag-entertainment"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/629551","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=629551"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/629551\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/629552"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=629551"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=629551"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=629551"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}