Do Not Read This Column in English (unless you are a \u201chistoric anglophone\u201d). First, convert to French with Google Translate, then you may read it. Merci. <\/p>\n
I often try to tune out minor Quebec language issues: It\u2019s the best way to enjoy life here, where language is rarely an issue unless it\u2019s government-manufactured. <\/p>\n
But the current government seems determined to remind me almost every week.<\/p>\n
Its latest effort has been trying to bar 27,000 adult and trade school students from studying in English<\/a>. <\/p>\n Instead, the government wants to force them into a French-only stream, regardless of which language gives them the best chance of graduating, or having a career.<\/p>\n This despite warnings from English school representatives and even sovereignist Qu\u00e9bec solidaire members this may discourage many from studying at all, leading to more labour shortages.<\/p>\n I\u2019m all for teaching and encouraging French for new (and old) arrivals, but why must this require continually beating up anglophone institutions and \u201cnon-historic\u201d English speakers?<\/p>\n This rushed, unstudied and silly attempt fits the same pattern as the language cops\u2019 attempt to bar \u201cGo Canadiens Go\u201d on buses<\/a>, which was eventually reversed<\/a>. <\/p>\n Also, the kerfuffle that ensued after Beno\u00eet Dubreuil, Commissioner of the French Language, said two weeks ago that Quebecers should need historical anglo ID proof for the \u201cright\u201d to view government English websites<\/a>.<\/p>\n Sure. Why not require a secret password only we \u201chistorics\u201d would know, like \u201cPiazza Tomasso,\u201d or \u201cMiss Montreal?\u201d <\/p>\n This recommendation was rejected by French Language Minister Jean-Fran\u00e7ois Roberge after more anxiety-producing headlines, and the latest adult-ed\/vocational scheme will probably fail, too.<\/p>\n Yet while we waste time on these nerve-racking, often silly battles, Quebec is losing heart surgeons<\/a>, our roads go to pot(holes)<\/a> and the unhoused problems soar<\/a>.<\/p>\n Still, if we must keep inventing silly, anxiety-creating language laws, I have some sillier ones to suggest to create even more anxiety \u2014 for everyone! <\/p>\n Bill 301, French-only hours<\/p>\n Our city\u2019s often baffling, unilingual parking signs have scared many motorists from coming to eat in the Plateau. <\/p>\n So let\u2019s frighten people out of using English the same way, by posting street signs saying:<\/p>\n PAS D\u2019ANGLAIS: 7h-11h30 et 14h00-22h00, Mon-Wed-Thur-Fri-Sat-Sun. <\/p>\n Violators will be towed to Rimouski and forced to find their way back in French. <\/p>\n Bonne chance!<\/p>\n Bill 401<\/p>\n The biggest challenge facing French in Montreal is the exodus of francophones leaving for the South Shore and other suburbs.<\/p>\n Obviously, this needs correcting. Under Bill 401, we would limit how many French-speaking Quebecers could permanently leave the city. <\/p>\n Francophones would simply require an exit visa to visit Brossard, valid for 48 hours. Long weekend exceptions would be permitted, but require sworn affidavits promising they would speak French at their chalet.<\/p>\n Perhaps we could even set up border checks when you cross the St. Lawrence River, to make sure you\u2019re returning.<\/p>\n Guard: Purpose of your family leaving the city, Monsieur? <\/p>\n Man: Just a little weekend holiday, officer.<\/p>\n Guard: Then why is there a piano on your car hood, sir? I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll have to send you back. We\u2019ve reached our departing francophone quota for July. <\/p>\n Try again next month, but maybe forget the piano.<\/p>\n Bill 701<\/p>\n Google Translate and AI are beginning to let everyone easily choose what language they want to communicate in.<\/p>\n These new insta-translation apps will soon allow francophone shop owners to write and even speak in French, while customers can read or listen in English \u2014 allowing all to communicate in their best language.<\/p>\n What a miracle \u2014 oops, NO! \u2014 what a disaster!<\/p>\n We obviously need Bill 701 barring instant translations from French to English. Of course, other languages could be insta-translated as Quebec is very open to non-threatening languages, from Armenian through Swahili.<\/p>\n But French to English is far too dangerous.<\/p>\n My law would also bar \u201cbody language\u201d that lets \u201cnon-historics\u201d bypass French words without speaking them. <\/p>\n This would be cheating. So Bill 701 would forbid gestures like pointing to chicken breasts at the butcher, simply because you don\u2019t know the word \u201cpoitrine.\u201d<\/p>\n Learn French, or eat less. <\/p>\n Bill 10,001 <\/p>\n Finally, this law would put curbs on one group that shamelessly and dangerously spreads English in Montreal and Quebec City: American tourists demanding English service and utterly ignoring French.<\/p>\n