{"id":736796,"date":"2026-06-14T19:53:14","date_gmt":"2026-06-14T19:53:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/736796\/"},"modified":"2026-06-14T19:53:14","modified_gmt":"2026-06-14T19:53:14","slug":"vacation-sex-advice-my-wifes-puritanical-sex-rule-is-about-to-ruin-our-big-jamaican-vacation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/736796\/","title":{"rendered":"Vacation sex advice: My wife’s puritanical “sex rule” is about to ruin our big Jamaican vacation."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

My wife has a ridiculous hang up that I\u2019m sick of: She insists on never having sex when we are guests in someone else\u2019s home.\u00a0Her claim is that it\u2019s \u201crude.\u201d We\u2019ve had people over who definitely boinked while under our roof and we survived. Next week we\u2019re leaving to stay with friends at their vacation home in Jamaica through July and I don\u2019t think I should be forced to go that long without getting laid.\u00a0How can I convince my wife she\u2019s being unreasonable?<\/p>\n

\u2014Potential Island Incel<\/p>\n

Dear Potential Island Incel,<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think she\u2019s being unreasonable. Overcareful? Maybe. But her reasoning is sound. Sex can be messy and loud. It sometimes leaves a residue. Not wanting to sully someone else\u2019s space with your debauchery detritus is fair. If other people have banged in your living space, it doesn\u2019t make that any less rude to people who feel that it is so; it only means the rudeness is coming from inside the house. The only reason this fact would be relevant is if you\u2019re staying with the people who had sex in your space. In that case, they have already set a tone that you couldn\u2019t possibly be fairly faulted for continuing. But notice that for whatever reasons, you were able to detect the sex that was happening in your place amongst your guests. Your wife may feel self-conscious or embarrassed about leaving such a mark in someone else\u2019s space, regardless of what was done in hers.<\/p>\n

What matters ultimately is your wife\u2019s position. You can\u2019t make her have sex with you. If she doesn\u2019t want to, she doesn\u2019t want to. You could offer other suggestions\u2014perhaps there are places that aren\u2019t in the house but nearby and private enough where she might feel comfortable. Maybe you get a hotel room for a night or two for this express purpose. But yes, you may be forced to go till August without getting laid. You will survive.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I knew my husband was bi when I married him five years ago.\u00a0He said he was willing to give up men for me, but for the past year, he\u2019s had to masturbate to gay porn for at least 10 minutes before we have sex.\u00a0He claims it\u2019s just to help him \u201cget going.\u201d I really don\u2019t want to open up my marriage, but I want even less to end up losing him if I\u2019m not enough for him.\u00a0Is it time for a serious conversation about letting him see guys on the side?<\/p>\n

\u2014Willing to Give Him the Best of Both Worlds<\/p>\n

Dear Willing to Give Him the Best of Both Worlds,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s very generous of you to even consider opening up the relationship to satisfy your husband, regardless of your personal preference. But you should think about that preference more. You\u2019re already uncomfortable about the idea in the abstract\u2014how will you feel about it when the relationship is actually open? Fine, maybe, but potentially way worse. Maybe you\u2019ll realize it\u2019s actually a lot easier than you feared; maybe you\u2019ll realize it\u2019s destabilizing to have your husband out there feeling on dicks. You must advocate for yourself here. The general rule with open relationships is that you defer to the more sensitive party. That\u2019s you here. Don\u2019t make an offer unless you\u2019re sure you can handle it. You can theoretically scale back at any time, but in this particular case, it may be practically harder to go back to monogamous after what you\u2019ve offered.<\/p>\n

I think before you get to that point, a more general conversation would be useful. That he has \u201chad to\u201d masturbate to gay porn before sex with you is a red flag. That warrants a conversation about his sexual response generally but more specifically how it applies to you. Does he absolutely need the images of gay sex in his head in order to have sex with you, and why? It\u2019s a tough subject to take on, as there is a possibility that his attraction to you has diminished, but clarity there might be a good thing for everyone.<\/p>\n

More broadly, you should discuss what he wants. How does he see his bisexuality playing out if you\u2019re to be married forever? Don\u2019t put words in your husband\u2019s mouth. Let him ask for an open relationship and discuss what that will actually look like. Do you want him to let you know before he hooks up? After? Not at all? Would you like to be involved? Many open couples only play together. Are you interested in hooking up with other guys with your husband? It can be a bonding experience, but it can also be extremely difficult for more monogamous-minded people to watch their partner with someone else, especially in such close proximity. There\u2019s a lot to negotiate here. Know that you have power and can help shape how this looks so that dealing with it is as easy as possible. Consider reading Tristan Taormino\u2019s Opening Up<\/a> if you want many more hands-on tips.<\/p>\n

Have Your Own Story to Share With How to Do It?<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I just got married a month ago to a wonderful man I\u2019ve lived with for almost four years, and while I think our relationship is in a good place, I think it could be even better if we improved our sex life. I just ordered a custom sized chastity cage for myself for this purpose, but I\u2019m not sure if it will help, and if that doesn\u2019t work I don\u2019t know what to try next.<\/p>\n

The problem I would like to solve is that I have trouble getting hard and even more trouble climaxing. I don\u2019t have this problem nearly as badly when I masturbate, only when someone else is involved (either him or one of the people we\u2019re open with). While we\u2019re both happy being sides 90 percent of the time (oral, frotting, face sitting, etc.), it would be really nice to be able to top him, or to be able to climax more than one lucky time every few months or so in a way that doesn\u2019t involve closing my eyes, painting a vivid mental picture, and death gripping my way to the finish.<\/p>\n

If I\u2019m not mistaken, the standard narrative of how sex is supposed to go is something like this: There\u2019s a certain amount of chemistry that causes low-level arousal for the length of, say, a date night, followed by a short period of foreplay that causes high amounts of arousal, followed by the actual sex. For a couple of gray-asexuals like us, it looks more like this: We send each other furry porn (and occasionally gifs and videos of human porn) throughout the week, on some nights we do text-based erotic roleplay with any of a number of anthropomorphic characters we\u2019ve created, and then at some point we end up having sex. I think part of my problem is that after hours of writing erotica, I\u2019ve been hard for so long that I\u2019ve lost a certain amount of sensitivity in my penis, especially if I\u2019ve been idly fiddling with it. Another problem is that, while we\u2019re both fully OK with each other jerking off from time to time, sometimes we try to have sex too soon after I\u2019ve jerked off, which means I can technically fool around but I don\u2019t quite have the same drive for it. A chastity cage would solve both of those problems by functioning like a productivity blocker app but for my junk.<\/p>\n

My husband has reassured me multiple times that it\u2019s OK if I have trouble with my erection or if either of us don\u2019t climax (he sometimes has similar problems due to SSRIs), but it\u2019s hard not to let the feeling eat at me that we could be having more satisfying sex if I didn\u2019t struggle with this, and that worry has only made my situationally specific erectile dysfunction worse over the last several months. The one bit of feedback he has given me before is that he would like it if I initiated more often, and I certainly would initiate if I had to ask him for the key. Then my sensitivity would be fresh, my anticipation would be high, and I\u2019d be able to reliably have a climax that doesn\u2019t leave me feeling disappointed. Thus a cycle would start and I\u2019d be inclined to initiate sex more often because I\u2019d expect it to not be frustrating to finish, or at least that\u2019s how I hope it would go.<\/p>\n

At the same time I wonder, because as I was researching cage manufacturers and taking careful measurements of myself, I wasn\u2019t able to find anyone else doing long-term chastity for the same reason as me. The chastity kink is neither appealing nor unappealing to me; I just want to have better sex, and my brief teenage no-fap phase taught me that the standard \u201cquit porn and masturbation\u201d advice is not only nearly impossible to follow but runs counter to a healthy relationship with sexuality. Do you think there\u2019s an easier way?<\/p>\n

\u2014Locking In<\/p>\n

Dear Locking In,<\/p>\n

I think you should try the cage. Often, the advice for overcoming idiosyncratic masturbation style (your death grip) is to lay off for a while. As Ian Kerner writes in So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives<\/a>, \u201cBasically, a person with a penis can get used to a degree of pressure and friction on the penis during masturbation that isn\u2019t precisely replicable during partnered sex, so it can become harder to achieve the momentum necessary to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability. Solution: take a short masturbation break and\/or masturbate with your non-dominant hand\u2014if you\u2019re right-handed, start masturbating with your left hand.\u201d If you know that you have a hard time taking this kind of break\u2014and you do\u2014having extra assistance could be useful to you. It doesn\u2019t matter that many people use chastity devices for kinky reasons. You aren\u2019t most people. You have your own particular needs and plan for satisfying them. People use all kinds of objects for their sexual gratification and unless they get them stuck up their butt and need to visit the emergency room, this often works out. Necessity is mother.<\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

Our New Neighbors Have a Wild Hobby That\u2019s Spilling Out of Doors as the Weather Heats Up. We\u2019re Disgusted.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

My Husband Has Given Me a Cruel Ultimatum About Having a Baby. I Didn\u2019t Think He Had This in Him.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

This is all in service of being able to top your husband, which you say would be \u201cnice\u201d and which your husband doesn\u2019t seem to be overly concerned about. So if it doesn\u2019t work out, don\u2019t beat yourself up. You\u2019re having hot side sex 90 percent of the time, which is an excellent track record. If you don\u2019t venture out from there whatsoever, it sounds like you have an extremely satisfying sex life. Also, if the chastity cage isn\u2019t the solution that you\u2019re hoping for, you can look into prescription ED meds and\/or a cock ring. These could provide you the lift that you\u2019re looking for. A little fun fact: Viagra didn\u2019t originate as a boner pill but as a treatment for angina and high blood pressure. But then, its remarkable erection-strengthening side effects were observed and a rebranding occurred. It\u2019s just more evidence that intended or popular usage does not have to define what you get out of it.<\/p>\n

I understand why you included the perceived standard arousal narrative in your letter, but if that doesn\u2019t serve you, you don\u2019t need it. There is a vast array of sexual interest and response and just because you and your husband deviate from it doesn\u2019t mean that there\u2019s anything wrong or that you\u2019re somehow pushing yourself into dysfunction. If you\u2019re enjoying exchanging furry porn with your husband and writing erotica, keep at it. I\u2019m all about optimizing, which is why I like your chastity cage idea, but it sounds like things are going swimmingly. Don\u2019t let the notion of \u201cthis could be better\u201d cloud the greatness at hand.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

My boyfriend has a thing for women\u2019s arms. Well, it started getting warm where we live, and with the warm weather come, the sleeveless tops. He\u2019s definitely noticing, and it\u2019s kind of embarrassing to be outside with him as he keeps getting erections in public. I\u2019m half jealous and half angry at how overtly he\u2019s doing it. How do I deal with this?<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":736797,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[1129,49,48,84,9748],"class_list":["post-736796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-advice","tag-ca","tag-canada","tag-health","tag-sex"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/736796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=736796"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/736796\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/736797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=736796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=736796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=736796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}