{"id":827681,"date":"2026-07-26T18:53:21","date_gmt":"2026-07-26T18:53:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/827681\/"},"modified":"2026-07-26T18:53:21","modified_gmt":"2026-07-26T18:53:21","slug":"male-orgasm-advice-the-way-i-climax-ended-my-marriage-now-im-worried-itll-tank-my-next-relationship-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/827681\/","title":{"rendered":"Male orgasm advice: The way I climax ended my marriage. Now I’m worried it’ll tank my next relationship, too."},"content":{"rendered":"

Sign up for the Slatest<\/a> to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.<\/p>\n

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 60-something straight male who is single. One of the issues that broke up my marriage was my inability to finish. I enjoyed sex, but could usually only finish on my own, and in a particular way. I can only attribute this to how I started, solo, when I was 12 or 13. I\u2019d bunch up sheets underneath myself with underwear on and thrust against the sheets. Weird kid, I guess.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m hesitant to try to start a new relationship for all kinds of reasons (online dating, age, inhibitions), but the sex issue is at the back of my mind. I find women generally attractive and I enjoy getting to know them. And I\u2019m a good person. If, over time, the relationship progresses, I do have access to Viagra. But I feel like my relationship days may be over. How do I get back out there, especially given how I finish?<\/p>\n

\u2014Unfulfilled and Sexually Inhibited<\/p>\n

Dear Unfulfilled and Sexually Inhibited,<\/p>\n

Dating is daunting. People go into it with dread because they know what can come with it: wasting time on apps, being ghosted, being judged, putting effort in to get to know someone only for it not to work out. And on and on. The reason people do it, knowing full well it could lead to time wasted and hurt feelings, is that they figure that it\u2019s better than being alone. Deciding which means more to you, protecting yourself or putting effort into finding love, is your current task. It is absolutely possible to find love and acceptance at your (or any) age; you just have to want to do it enough to endure the process.<\/p>\n

It is understandable that you are fixated on your way of getting off as you attribute it to the collapse of your marriage. Delayed ejaculation (DE)\u2014difficulty or inability to ejaculate with a partner\u2014is a common issue. Sex therapist Michael Perelman writes<\/a> that millions of men experience this. Something associated with it is idiosyncratic masturbatory style, a term that Perelman coined to describe self-pleasuring technique \u201cnot easily duplicated by the partner during sex.\u201d Your way of finishing, I think, qualifies.<\/p>\n

Perelman also writes<\/a> that abstaining from masturbation and limiting \u201corgasmic release to his\/their desired goal activity, e.g. such as orgasm during penetrative sexual encounters with their partner\u201d can be effective\u00a0 in countering idiosyncratic masturbatory style. \u201cResearch has definitely shown that temporarily refraining from ejaculating alone usually causes a man\u2019s need\/desire for a \u2018release\u2019 to increase, as his stimulation requirements to reach orgasm or threshold for ejaculation decreases, thus making it easier to ejaculate during partnered sex. While this is usually not sufficient to solve the problem on its own, the probability for success during partnered sex is increased greatly,\u201d he writes.<\/p>\n

I understand you\u2019ve been doing it one way for a long time and that you may not want to change, or that changing may at least be as daunting as the dating that you\u2019d be doing it in service of. But I hope you can see that there is hope since you\u2019re hung up on the way that you finish. Perelman recommends enlisting a sex therapist for DE treatment. Given your situation, it may be well worth it.<\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

My boyfriend (cisgender man) of seven months and I (transgender man) are in a long distance relationship, completely across the country. We call and chat regularly, but neither of us has the means (or time) to visit each other. I moved about three weeks after the beginning of our relationship, so we have never gotten the chance to be intimate. My boyfriend \u201cB\u201d has never had a problem with this, nor has he brought up complaints of feeling incomplete or dissatisfied with our relationship.<\/p>\n

The problem is I can tell he feels left out and behind when he talks about his friends having sex, television shows featuring it, masturbation, or anything regarding sex. He looks away, chuckles awkwardly, his smile droops and he quiets his voice. It annoys me that he does not talk to me about this, as he\u2019s usually a very outgoing person and discusses everything with me. It may be partially my fault, as I\u2019ve never made a move to initiate over-the-phone intimacy, but I don\u2019t really know how to. I\u2019m not good at giving orders or dirty talking, so I have no idea how to initiate a scenario like this. How does phone sex even work? Should I try to step out of my comfort zone, or just talk to him?<\/p>\n

\u2014Separated Mind and Body<\/p>\n

Dear Separated Mind and Body,<\/p>\n

You should talk to your boyfriend first. If you were to propose something unprompted that he wasn\u2019t into, you might feel a sting of rejection that could leave a lasting mark. You don\u2019t really know right now just what he\u2019s interested in. Maybe he doesn\u2019t want phone sex at all and would only be satisfied with something in person. That would be a difficult realization for your long-distance relationship, but an important one as it would prompt you to figure out how to manage your desires within the constraints imposed on you. Hopefully this isn\u2019t the case, but it could be.<\/p>\n

Tell him you\u2019ve been wondering how he\u2019s dealing with the distance between you and what it means for his sex life. Ask him if there\u2019s anything intimate he\u2019d like to do with you in the current situation, or, if he\u2019s open to it, tell him something you\u2019d like to do with him. Propose phone sex if he doesn\u2019t first. Try not to show your annoyance. Some people have a difficult time talking about sex even when they\u2019re outgoing in other areas. It\u2019s always better to be patient with a partner and respect their pacing and sensitivities.<\/p>\n

Phone sex can look like a lot of different things. It can take on the vibe of a scene, in which you and your partner take turns narrating what you\u2019re \u201cdoing\u201d or want to be doing to each other. It can be sharing fantasies that may or may not include your partner. It can even be sharing memories of past experiences with sex or masturbation that turned you on. And if you feel awkward doing this on a phone call, you can text.<\/p>\n

That said, it doesn\u2019t have to be narrative at all. In fact, it doesn\u2019t have to be primarily verbal. Thanks to modern technology, you can masturbate together on a video call, showing rather than telling. It\u2019s all up to you and your partner to decide what you find hot. If he\u2019s interested in phone sex, discuss how you\u2019d like to go about it and try it out. It may not be perfect initially, but if you\u2019re both down, you\u2019ll find your groove.<\/p>\n

Share Your Story With How to Do It!<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/p>\n

I (60+ M) have recently been introduced to the ENM lifestyle, and I wish I had known about this years ago! I\u2019m having a ton of fun, having casual sex, for the joy of it, with people who are secure in their lives and relationships.<\/p>\n

Most of these encounters do not use protection, but do require regular testing, which I am seriously onboard with, especially as they\u2019re repeat lovers.\u00a0Others require condoms, which I respect, but then they perform oral sex without protection.\u00a0My limited knowledge is that all of the top five STIs are bacterial in nature, and can be passed orally.<\/p>\n

So my question is: From a protection standpoint, is it a folly to require condoms for PIV penetration if you turn around and have oral sex with the same person?<\/p>\n

\u2014Prefer It Bare<\/p>\n

Dear Prefer It Bare,<\/p>\n

The practice of requiring condoms for vaginal\/anal penetration but not for oral falls under the umbrella of harm reduction. It\u2019s very common, which is to say that using condoms for oral is uncommon. It probably has something to do with condoms being used for birth control, which made them necessary for vaginal but not oral. HIV\/AIDS may have only cemented the perceived necessity of condoms down below but not up high\u2014it is widely accepted that oral sex has a much lower risk<\/a> of HIV transmission than anal or vaginal. The risk is not zero, but HIV is not transmitted via saliva and the virus would need to find a way to the bloodstream, like an open sore. HIV was long regarded as THE BIG ONE to avoid at all costs with good reason: Without treatment, it can be a death sentence. Before 1996, the antiretroviral therapy that has saved the lives of many was not available. The so-called condom code was widely advocated.<\/p>\n


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The comparative assumptions at the heart of your letter are actually very difficult to tease out. Experts are confident that HIV is less likely to be transmitted via oral, but even a 2008 metastudy<\/a> pointed out several difficulties of attaining hard data here. A huge factor is the dearth of people indicating that oral sex is their lone risk behavior. If more than one sex act is performed, singling out one as the event that caused transmission is often impossible. This is not just true for HIV but also for the bacterial STIs you mentioned as well as other viruses like herpes and HPV. With that said, data has indicated that herpes simplex 2 \u201cdoesn\u2019t take very well to the oral cavity,\u201d according to an expert that I interviewed for a previous column<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The authors of one study wrote<\/a>: \u201cWhile the youth consider oral sex much \u2018safer\u2019 than vaginal sex, this is a perilous fallacy.\u201d Exact levels of risk may be impossible to ascertain, but what we do know is that many bacterial infections are commonly spread through oral contact, as well as vaginal\/anal. There may be another factor influencing behavior here: Latex and the various other materials that condoms are made out of are generally considered unpalatable. People generally don\u2019t want to suck on rubber. Given what we do know about transmission (and the possibility of pregnancy), I don\u2019t know that it\u2019s a folly to require condoms for vaginal and not oral as a method of harm reduction, but assuming that unprotected oral comes with no risk would be a huge folly.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rich<\/p>\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

Recently, after a funeral, me and two of my guy friends ended up having an unexpected threesome. It was really fun and hot, but I chalked it up to general weirdness after grieving. Things have been strange with both of them ever since, though they both seem to be way more present in my life than before. Do I need to have an awkward conversation with them?<\/a><\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":827682,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[1129,49,48,84,9748],"class_list":["post-827681","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-advice","tag-ca","tag-canada","tag-health","tag-sex"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/827681","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=827681"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/827681\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/827682"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=827681"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=827681"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=827681"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}