BBC
Geraint and Elis have been good mates since Geraint’s wife died three years ago
When Geraint John’s wife Deb died at the age of 43, his world fell apart and some people around him didn’t know what to say or do.
Then, someone he hadn’t seen in years – comedian and broadcaster Elis James – got in touch, they went for a pint and have been close friends ever since.
“I didn’t want to be one of the people who ignored you,” Elis says to Geraint over a drink at the clubhouse at their local football team in London, Dulwich Hamlet.
“Because I’m very aware that is something that happens.”
Geraint says Elis had supported him in a way he’s found helpful: “There’s been probably quite a few times over the last three years that Elis could have been a bit judgy and you haven’t been.
“You’ve seen it for what it is.”
Deb died from pancreatic cancer in September 2022 when their three children were 15, 11 and eight.
Geraint had been posting about his experience on social media following her diagnosis and, in the weeks after she died, he began sharing the reality of life as a widower with three children.
Elis and Geraint moved in the same social circle in Cardiff in their early 20s so, after seeing his posts, Elis got in touch.
“It’s not just the awful grief, it’s the practicalities of looking after children on your own, because that’s hard no matter how you slice it,” says Elis, 45.
“You haven’t offered to babysit,” laughs Geraint, 44.
“No, I do draw the line,” retorts Elis.
Geraint John
Deb was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2021 and died in September 2022
The pair grew up in Wales – Elis in Carmarthen and Geraint in Cardiff – and now live round the corner from one another in Dulwich.
On a Tuesday afternoon they’re in high spirits as they riff off one another’s jokes and finish each other’s sentences.
“We like the same sort of things, apart from football,” says Geraint.
“Apart from football yeah,” smirks Elis.
Geraint picks up: “Because I’m a Cardiff fan, Elis is a Swansea fan but that doesn’t…”
“It doesn’t get in the way,” says Elis.
Geraint cuts in: “But there’s a bit of, you know…”
“There is friction, there’s friction,” laughs Elis.
Geraint John
Geraint recently went along to watch Elis perform at the London Palladium
Geraint’s friendship with Elis began taking off at a time when he was realising many people feel incredibly awkward speaking to someone who is bereaved.
He said most people expressed their condolences through cooking: “That’s what they do, they say ‘I think I’m going to make it all OK by making a lasagne’.”
“Then you always used to say that ‘then the lasagnes stop,” says Elis.
“Yeah they do,” replies Geraint.
When the lasagnes stopped arriving, Geraint and Elis continued meeting for pints – so what was it that Elis got right?
Geraint and Elis grew up in Wales and now live round the corner from one another in London
“I think what you’ve been really good at is listening and not providing solutions because you don’t really need a solution, just listening is extremely helpful,” says Geraint.
Elis says his wife, who has lost her father, gave him really helpful advice: “She said ‘you can’t change it and you can’t take the pain away, but you can listen’.
“And I think if she hadn’t said that, I’d have walked in to the pub thinking, ‘right, I need to say the thing that’s going to make it all better’. But you can’t.”
Geraint has experienced some people “making it about themselves… which makes you feel even worse”.
He adds: “I’ve had some absolute nonsense – ‘I was there and you didn’t get in touch’. I’m like, really?”
Geraint John
Geraint and Deb got married 10 months after meeting and had three children together
The past three years have presented some really challenging moments for Geraint – one being Elis’s wedding.
“It was like a year-and-a-half afterwards and I went on my own, I knew a few of the Welsh boys, which is really nice but I had this overwhelming sense of ‘oh, God’. It all came back and I actually left.”
“There were a lot of people from our past at my wedding,” replies Elis.
“I understand that’s, you know, difficult.”
Geraint John
Deb and Geraint’s three children were 15, 11 and eight when she died
Among the more serious conversations, much of the banter today centres around a challenge the pair have taken on to raise money for the hospice where Deb died – St Christopher’s in Sydenham.
A few months back, Elis messaged Geraint a video of him winning the dad’s race at his child’s school sport day and Geraint spotted an opportunity.
Next month the pair will go head-to-head in a 100-metre race during half time at Dulwich Hamlet FC.
“I’m quite competitive and I’m quite fast,” says Geraint.
“Well, I was, but obviously I’ve had a bit of a rocky three years, so training hasn’t really been happening.”
So how did he talk Elis into that?
“Emotional blackmail,” says Elis.
“I did,” admits Geraint.
Since Deb’s death Geraint has become passionate about encouraging people to be better at talking about death.
He continues to share his experiences on social media and is recording a podcast about grief, Chalk and Cheese with boxer Dean White, whose son Lemar Urquhart was shot dead in Brixton.
He is hoping that by speaking out he can educate others about how to support a bereaved friend.
“I put on this kind of happy-go-lucky persona but, you know, there are dark times as well,” he says.
“So if your mate’s going through this, you just you need to listen.”
Details of help and support for bereavement are available at BBC Action Line