Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am 45 years old. In my late 20s, I got my life together, went to nursing school, and got my bachelor’s degree. When I was 37, I got married to “Jeremy.” A couple years ago we had twins. I then took a night job, and he was planning to stay home with the kids. Then he left me.

We had bought a house about a year and a half prior. I do not love this house. It’s what was available, and he wanted it so we bought it. But it’s fine, and I’d rather keep it than look for something new. Currently, I have a good interest rate. We used his VA loan and our interest rate is about 3.8 percent. In the divorce agreement, I get the house, but if I sell it, I pay him something crazy like $25,000.

Since he left, the kids have lived with me and I have been the sole financial support since then. He’s been unemployed—questionable if it’s been on purpose, though he is now on disability. For a year-and-a-half, until he got on disability, I had to pay him $1,000 a month. He seemed to think I was freaking rich and I’m not. I only bring home post-tax $6,000 a month. My mortgage is $2,100. Bills $1,000. You see where this is going.

Before he left, I had amazing credit and no other debt other than student loans. (I have about $55,000 in student loan debt thanks to interest. I’ve been on income-driven repayment and aiming for public service loan forgiveness, but who knows with the current situation politically. Student loans were paused for years, but now student loans have resumed which are almost $1,000 for me—even on income-driven repayment.) But now I am $20,000 in debt—I’ve had to open a Costco credit card, a Target credit card etc. I have a 12-year-old car, and I’m still solely responsible for paying for the kids.

It is really important to me to maintain an amicable relationship with my ex because of how I grew up, and I know asking for child support would blow all that out of the water. Basically I feel like I bought my kids by paying him so much, but I don’t know how to get out of the hole I am now. On top of that I’ve had health issues, so I have not even had income coming in many months.

—My Financial Life Fell Apart

Dear My Financial Life Fell Apart,

I may be quibbling, but I don’t think you’re falling apart—you’re being systematically drained by someone who abandoned you and your children. But calling this situation “amicable” is confusing keeping the peace with being a doormat. And the fact that you’re afraid to ask for child support suggests there’s more going on here than you’re saying.

So, let’s start with that: Your children are legally entitled to financial support from their father, even if he’s on disability. Disability income can be garnished for child support. What did your divorce attorney say about this? If you didn’t have one before, you probably need one now. Many divorce attorneys offer payment plans or sliding scale fees. Find free or low-cost legal help through the Legal Services Corporation or your local bar association. You can also contact your state child support enforcement office for help filing.

Your fear that filing for support will “blow everything up” concerns me. Are you afraid of your ex-husband? If so, that’s not co-parenting—that’s ongoing control and intimidation. Document everything: his lack of contribution, any threatening or manipulative communication, his unemployment history.

Next, you mentioned health issues severe enough that you’ve had no income for months. Your twins need a healthy mom. Have you applied for short-term or long-term disability benefits through your employer or the Social Security Administration? As a nurse, you may have disability insurance through your workplace. File those claims immediately if you haven’t already.

About those student loans: If you’re not earning income due to health issues, contact your loan servicer immediately about economic hardship deferment or forbearance (start at StudentAid.gov). This can pause your payments temporarily without damaging your progress toward PSLF. Don’t keep paying $1,000/month when you have no income—that’s what deferment is for.

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Next, tap into your support system. Who in your life can help? Family? Friends? Does your house of worship have benevolence funds or support groups for single parents? Many faith communities have resources specifically for situations like yours. Your hospital or healthcare system may have employee assistance programs offering financial counseling, mental health support, or emergency funds. You can call United Way’s 211 helpline (dial 211 on your cell phone or go to 211.org) to connect with local resources including food banks, utility assistance, and childcare help.

The last step is to tackle your debt. Once child support is in place, you’ve tapped into other resources, and you’re back on your feet, attack that $20,000 with either the avalanche method (paying off the highest interest-carrying debt first, then rolling those funds into the next highest-interest debt) or snowball method (paying off the smallest balance first, then rolling extra money into the next smallest debt).

At the end of the day, your financial life has challenges, sure, but they’re not insurmountable. You can, and will, rebuild. But you have to stop protecting someone who won’t protect his own children. Right now, focus on your health and your children. They’re watching how you handle this. Show them that standing up for yourself, and them, is what real strength looks like.

—Ilyce

More Money Advice From Slate

My immigrant parents lived frugally and also were very lucky financially—making me an heiress with a large safety net, which I dip into occasionally. Since high school I’ve worked in the arts, saved, and lived largely within my means. I find joy in my work and value sustainability (buying secondhand, not wasting food, etc). What I love doing with my money is treating my friends to dinners and concerts and trips, and donating to Go Fund Me campaigns. But over the course of some relationships, friends discover there’s more to me than just my frugal side and start to take advantage.

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