Family rifts are painfully common in Britain. One report suggests that one in five families are affected by estrangement. So the Windsors aren’t alone in navigating one. When Prince Harry had tea with the King this week it was his first meeting with his father since February last year. He was last seen publicly with his brother, William, in 2023 at their father’s coronation.

People cut contact with relatives for many reasons, from conflict over values, lifestyles, money, favouritism and unfair treatment to divorce, toxic dynamics and abuse. Often the pain and suffering is widespread, with “innocent” family members affected too. While maintaining distance can be the right choice, sometimes people wish to reconcile but struggle to untangle years of rage, hurt and distrust. Here, the family therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet gives his advice.

How to break the silence

Whether you can do this depends on how strongly you want to repair what’s broken. Understand that it’s not about obliterating yourself or forgetting your hurt — or your contribution to the rift. It is about setting your ego aside so you can listen to what the estranged family member has to say. Can you find the capacity to give them the benefit of the doubt, to believe they didn’t set out deliberately to hurt or destroy you? It’s important to understand that breaking a silence starts with the heart, not the mind. It’s a softer approach.

• Prince Harry, King Charles and the rift 40 years in the making

You can’t expect the person you’re reconnecting with to have changed

While you may have changed, you can’t assume they have. In clinic I remind clients that if you do something expecting a return, you must have made an investment. If you do something without condition, that’s love. Ego and expectation stand in the way of reconciliation, and I’ve seen people get very resentful: “I made all this effort so why aren’t they reciprocating?” What I suggest is, you want the other person to know how you feel, and you can allow them to feel how they feel. You are exploring where the other person stands, hoping they’re willing to move towards you, but you can’t make assumptions.

The first encounter may not instantly heal a rift — manage your expectations

A reconciliation takes time. Yes, the other person may be delighted to hear from you and respond instantly, but they may need time to reflect. It’s easy to take offence. But this isn’t only about you. You can only be aware of your emotions and what they’re about. You can’t guarantee that the other person has been as reflective. Be patient.

Sometimes a letter is better than a text

Write, speak, communicate from the heart, not from pure logic. This is about feelings. I recommend a handwritten letter as the first approach. There’s sincere effort in putting pen to paper. Unlike a text, with its expectation of an instant response, it allows the recipient space. However, it may take a series of letters and cards for the other person to respond. If it’s what you really want, it’s important to persevere. This is especially true if there has been estrangement between a parent and an adult child, and you’re the parent. If the child is angry and hurt, the parent must be the bigger person.

• What’s it like to be estranged from your family?

How to say sorry if you were the one who needed to

It’s not always necessary to say sorry. Your behaviour and intentions can show contrition more convincingly than words can. Certainly, if you do say sorry, it doesn’t need to be what I call the “blanket sorry”. Being specific helps: “I’m sorry about what I said the last time we met.” Don’t say sorry if you’re saying it only to prompt an apology. That suggests underlying resentment and that your apology isn’t heartfelt.

Reconciliation isn’t always the right thing

I advise clients that if a relationship was abusive in any way, they should think very hard about returning to it. Examine why the relationship faltered, and be very clear what you don’t want. Sometimes people attempt a reconciliation and realise it isn’t right for them after all. Perhaps the family member refuses to see your perspective, or accept their role in the rift. If you’re not able to forgive someone that’s OK, but forgive yourself for that, otherwise you’ll carry shame and guilt along the lines of: “What kind of a person am I, that I can’t forgive?”

How important is forgiveness?

Forgiveness matters because it gives you peace of mind. You may not be able to forgive fully. But if you have enough capacity to forgive — or at least let go of certain things — bitterness doesn’t eat away at you. It’s not about letting the other person get away with every wrongdoing. Contrary to what many think, forgiveness is not a rational decision, it’s emotional. You may want to do it, but it doesn’t exist until it’s truly felt. You want to reconnect, and even if there are things that rankle, there’s a sense of acceptance. This is a good start. It may even be enough. As for wanting to be forgiven, that requires a genuine understanding of the pain the other person experienced, and being able to accommodate it.

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You can’t expect all parties to trust one another instantly

Rebuilding trust after estrangement requires mutual respect and acceptance, and it can take years. Emotional safety needs to be re-established. It comes with the realisation that you can depend on each other, and that whatever you do or say stays between you. It’s knowing you can be open, honest and vulnerable without fearing judgment, punishment or rejection. There will be obstacles, but what’s important is that you can talk about them, to avoid another rift.

Your advances may be rejected

Even if you’re managing your expectations, when you attempt a reconciliation and are rejected outright, it’s painful. Even if you believe that this is the last time you’ll talk, consider what you’d like to convey — what your motivation was, why you wanted to reconcile. When they take a hardline position, you can just walk away. Or you can say: “I hear what you’re saying. I will need to accept this. But allow me to express how that feels for me.” It gives them food for thought, and you’ve said what you needed to say so that you can walk away with some sort of peace with yourself.

Are you clear on what you want your new relationship to look like?

In my clinic I’ve seen people yearn for a reconciliation, then meet up and think: “How selfish this person is!” They had built a fantasy in the absence. Think about how they make you feel now. To navigate the disappointment and move on requires being honest to yourself about your feelings, and allowing them all. There will still be sadness and hurt, but there will be peace.

• Dr Tanya Byron: Our daughter has broken off contact and we miss our grandchild

What if you don’t want to reconcile with the whole family — just one or two members?

Perhaps you’ve cut contact with a family you feel was toxic but there are individuals you want to see: an ageing parent, nephews and nieces, grandchildren. It’s difficult to negotiate, but can be worth the effort. If you’ve fought with your adult child, you might say: “‘I understand your position. I accept this is what you want and need. But would you be generous enough to let me have a relationship with the grandchildren? It hurts me terribly not to see them.” Or if there’s a rift with parents, “I want to see you, Mum, but feel I can’t for now have a relationship with Dad. I don’t know if that will change.”

You may need professional help: when to use a family therapist

If you feel that your reconciliation has a chance but you don’t feel capable of moderating or managing the early communication successfully, seek professional help. You might do this alone for support and guidance. A therapist can help you to navigate people’s emotions and complex responses — and your own. Or if others are willing, seek family therapy to create a space where you can hear each other and find the way forward together. Willingness and good intention go a very long way.
As told to Anna Maxted