In this week’s Agony Uncle, Kenny offers relationship advice to a retired man hoping to move abroad with his wife – but struggling to get her on board 

My wife and I have been together for 35 wonderful years. She’s loving and kind and has spent a lot of time taking care of other people: she was a nurse, then a mum to our son and daughter, and is very good at putting other people’s needs before her own.

I thought we’d have more time together now our kids have left home, but she’s instead putting all her energy into our grandchildren, age three and one. Our daughter also recently got engaged so we’re hoping more grandchildren might be on the way.

And here is where my wife and I have a difference of opinion.

I’m retiring this year; she’s already retired and we were hoping to move to a warmer climate, which is good for her health (she has very painful joints in the cold). We absolutely love Thailand, but were also considering Portugal or Spain. But now my wife wants to stay here for the grandkids.

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We love our family and will visit regularly. I’m concerned that if we don’t take this chance, it won’t come again and my wife will sacrifice it to care for others when she really needs to care for herself. I’d also been looking forward to spending time with her and prioritising her.

Is there a way of persuading her to prioritise herself?

GM, age 64, Notts

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Dear GM,

I can feel your love for your wife through your message and it sounds like you both appreciate each other. It’s also clear to me that this isn’t a case of wanting to go away so your wife will just care for you.

I think it’s important that you both have a conversation about the importance of putting yourselves first, or at least achieving some sort of balance. But here is where I think you need to be open about how differently we all prioritise ourselves.

For your wife, who shows her love through nurturing, there might be nothing she enjoys more than the feeling of being needed. Her self-worth might be tied up in mothering – and grandmothering. So while this is not the same as prioritising herself, it also might be far from selfless and she might be quite open with you about how much she gains from these dynamics.

It might be that she needs to learn how to give herself the same level of care as she offers to others. But that isn’t going to be something she learns overnight – and it is likely to feel uncomfortable at first.

It’s something that hopefully you can approach together as you learn to ring-fence time for yourselves. Retirement is, after all, a life stage where you can hopefully find more time to enjoy each other’s company and go on adventures.

While your wife might feel reluctant at the idea of moving wholesale away from the family she loves, I’d recommend adding travels into your life with a view to finding a place that you want to keep returning to. So you can either split your time, or possibly move in the future.

Hopefully this makes it feel less all-or-nothing in her mind. I appreciate that this might feel like you’re having to compromise your dreams, as you’d like to jump on the next plane out of here but achieving a balance is likely to bring you both more fulfilment. It might be possible to Airbnb your UK home while you’re away; your children might be happy to manage this or a company can.

It’s rare that I’m asked a question where there is a compromise solution and given there is a half-and-half in this instance, I think you’d be wise to treat it as a blessing. This means your wife gets to spend time with her grandchildren, especially during the periods where new ones might arrive.

It also gives her a chance to practise putting herself first – and making the two of you a priority – when you’re away. She can benefit from the warmer climate and create or join new communities while abroad. And it gives you both a chance to have the best of worlds.

In five or 10 years, you might both have different opinions on moving but for now, the love and community you have here can be balanced with travel, warmth and adventure overseas. Enjoy your retirement!