Dear Eric: I became friends with one of my oldest and closest friends when we were 9 years old.
In the last three years, it has been nearly impossible to see her. I routinely sent her text messages and voicemails asking if she wanted to get together. I finally resorted to sending her a message on Facebook.
I was very surprised with her response that came several days later. She said that I had not responded to a text a few years ago when she asked if we could get dinner and didn’t think that I valued her friendship, and therefore she wasn’t going to put energy into it, because it was very painful for her.
I was baffled, sent her screenshots of my text messages asking when we could get together, call logs of unanswered and unreturned phone calls, invitations to events she didn’t respond to, and apologized if she felt that I had not prioritized her as a friend. She never responded.
On her 40th birthday, I sent her a brief text message wishing her a joyful year ahead and said that I knew things were uneasy between us and I would really love a chance to sit down together and have a conversation to repair the friendship. She has not responded. Friends are beginning to plan my 40th birthday celebration and I have opted not to include her as a guest, out of respect for her feelings.
My husband feels that this is profoundly the wrong thing to do, and that if anything, I should send her the invitation and give her a phone call letting her know that I would really appreciate the chance to get together.
What is the right thing to do in this situation?
– Broken Friendship
Dear Friendship: The safest thing is to invite her to the party. But the safe bet may not be the best bet for you. You’ve reached out multiple times in various forms and also apologized for something that seems more like a narrative she invented.
It’s normal for friendships to experience different seasons, especially as the complications of raising children, work and distance make time scarcer. It seems she’s being awfully ungenerous to you.
If you invite her to your 40th, you may be setting yourself up for another disappointment. Whereas, if you and your friend are able to reconnect at another time, she can join you at future birthdays, without the tension hanging over everything.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.