Counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar shares her tips for finding a partner for life.
According to the 2022 Census, 43% of people over 15 were single, with Dublin and Galway cities recording the highest proportion of single people.
In the US, approximately 67% of people are single, excluding those who are divorced, separated and widowed. While a proportion report their intention to stay single, others are looking for a life-long partner, but are finding it difficult and disheartening.
Social media platforms like TikTok are flooded with people proclaiming their thoughts on love, marriage, singledom, and dating. So much so, the journey to finding a partner can feel all-consuming. For some, the search may be intensified by an intense desire to have a baby or to ‘settle down’ in life.
So what is making it so hard to meet ‘the one’?
In a world of intense commitments, being time-poor limits a person’s capacity to meet new people and open up to the possibility of a new relationship.
Most likely, the opportunity to meet that someone special is no longer at the local disco, in the job or in the community. Work practices have become more globalised with less face-to-face interactions, fewer social events, HR policies and far more people working from home.
While historically many people have met a life partner through work, the social side has undergone radical changes. Another hurdle is that technology has made it easier to just stay at home, and dating apps give the illusion of being proactive.
The paradox of choice is that while there is a plethora of such apps and possibilities, in reality, it is limited. There is a huge effort in swiping, assessing, screening and then deciding whether to meet up. Dating app fatigue can set in, and confidence can be knocked by ghosting or disrespectful interactions.
The digital world of dating can be tedious and lacking in romance.
Expectations have also dramatically changed over the years. While generations of the past may have focused on security and being from a ‘decent’ family, the boxes needing to be ticked are extensive in today’s dating world, such as income, physique, fitness, sexuality, emotional intelligence and a certain ‘type.’
While core issues matter, such as shared values, other expectations may be unrealistic or too rigid. Social media and celebrity culture contribute to what a relationship ‘should’ be like. Another barrier for some is attachment styles that developed as a child and are acted out negatively in relationships.
The ways in which people attached as children to their primary caregivers can be reflected in relationships as adults. Life’s experiences can leave psychological imprints which may impact relationships and intimacy. A history of a negative or abusive relationship has a profound and damaging impact on a person’s trust and self-esteem, which needs healing before entering dating territory.
Furthermore, it is going to be far more challenging for someone with social anxiety and other conditions to take the initial steps. Human connection involves neurochemical, hormonal and behavioural aspects.
Societal influences and transformations, lifestyles, livelihoods, people’s past experiences and psychological landscapes all interplay, making finding genuine love so much more complex.
Steps to finding that someone special.
1. Say it – to yourself and others. Spread the word. Use a simple statement like”I’d really like to meet someone.” The people in your life are your network.
2. Know thyself. Relationship experts recommend exploration and preparation before launching into the world of dating. Spend some time writing your relationship goals, your needs, what is compromisable and not compromisable for you, previous learnings and patterns. Reflect on what a healthy relationship will look like for you.
3. Forget having a “type.” It can be too rigid and limit possibilities. Be mindful of the superficial appeal and focus more on core aspects such as trust, reliability, mutual respect, and shared values. A soul mate quest may be unrealistic.
4. Know your blind spots. Be aware of the wrong ” type”, such as someone emotionally unavailable, playing games, treating you badly or just using you.
5. Don’t confuse lust with genuine and lasting love. Intensity does not necessarily equate with what is healthy. Don’t get too caught up with ‘the spark’. Build up the bond before the bed scenes. Logic often gets thwarted by the activation of a primitive part of the brain when falling in love.
6. Be proactive and search in the right places. Avoid dating app fatigue by making it fun with friends, and try selecting an online date night rather than obsessively checking every day. Engage in activities you enjoy so you can meet others who share common interests.
7. Take the pressure off. Cultivate a relaxed attitude by having a mindset that this person may or may not be the one. This frees you up to stay or leave. Address any arising issues to see if they can be resolved. If not, let go and move on.
8. Keep your mind open. Boundaries are healthy, but be aware if yours are too porous or too tight. If your walls are too high, it limits new people getting to know you. If they are too low, you risk getting hurt.
9. Know your value. Understand your internal and external factors. Be aware of placing others on pedestals. A relationship is not a fairytale. It requires commitment, ongoing work and can face many challenges. While research has indicated a healthy relationship as a contributing factor to well-being, a partner is not going to fix you or make you happy.
10. Live your life and enjoy healthy friendships. Try not to let finding love rule your life. The fuller your life is, the less time there is for rumination. Be open to genuine love.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ