Back Alley Betrayals
Season 12
Episode 11
Editor’s Rating
1 stars
*
Photo: Bravo
With this episode, Vanderpump Rules officially turned into a dating show. Jason goes on a date with Natalie. Natalie hangs out with Shayne. Shayne wants to get back with Natalie. Angelica wants Shayne to want her. Shayne wants Angelica’s new boobs. Chris wants to be with Audrey, but Audrey wants to do stand-up comedy. All of the stories aren’t about work or friends or life as a partying 20-something living in Los Angeles who can only use their microwave or their A/C? but not both at the same time. All of the stories in this episode are about dating. I’m sorry, but yawn. This was the first episode where I thought that the reboot might not be worth the refashioned SUR menus its printed on.
I think the producers have vastly misidentified what made Vanderpump Rules a hit in the first place. Yes, there was a romantic component to the show, but it wasn’t about dating, it was about couples. Katie and Tom Schwartz, Jax and Stassi, and Kristen and Tom Sandoval were already well-established duos when the show started. Even when those people became single again, we never really saw them date, and when they did, it was a flop. Sandoval went right into a relationship with Ariana and then, famously, right into a relationship with Racquel, nee Rachel, before that relationship was even over. Jax left Stassi and dated around, but was always pining for her until Brittany came along and stayed for good. We don’t want to see these loose connections; we don’t want to see people finding each other. We already have Love Is Blind, and this episode felt like a rip-off of that show, especially when Shayne, Natalie, Jason, and Audrey are in the SUR Alley, a future UNESCO World Heritage Site, talking about how they all may or may not have a connection with each other.
Speaking of connection, that is what Vanderpump Rules was always about. Yes, there were couples, but they were female best friends dating a group of male best friends. We weren’t interested in the changes in the couples that much; what was more interesting was how those changes affected the friendships. That is why, strangely, Scheana is the lynchpin of the early years. She came in and was trying to butt into the friend group which the girls hated. That was the story engine, not who was hooking up with whom. By season two, we saw the story of whether or not Jax hooked up with Kristen (spoiler alert: they did), but what was perhaps even more compelling was what that did to Stassi’s friendship with Kristen (she punched her in the face) and Tom’s relationship with Jax (he punched him in the face).
That’s the problem with this here reboot: the focus is too much on the couples and not enough on the friends. Know why? None of them are friends! They have all been slapped together to be on a reality show. They don’t even really work together. Jason and Chris were still in training, Angelica is a new hire, and Shayne hasn’t had a job that didn’t start with “hand” or “blow” in several years. There is nothing bringing these people together, and the connections they do have seem new and not that deep. If you look at Next Gen NYC, they may have also been smooshed together to create a reality show, and they’re also young people who haven’t known each other that long, but there are people in the cast who are close, who have been friends forever, who do actually spend time with each other outside of the production schedule. That’s why that show sings and gels and this one feels like a Bride of Frankenstein that Lisa Vanderpump is using to prop up a failing business.
Yes, SUR itself is also a big problem. There is no way that place needs four hosts/hostesses. Not even the busiest Cheesecake Factory in America has that many. SUR doesn’t even feel like a real restaurant anymore. The show is doing a lot of work trying to cut around the fact that the place is always empty. We see everyone at work, but they don’t have much to do because we hardly ever see any customers. In the first few seasons of Pump Rules, the restaurant did seem full; it seemed like they really worked there. Now it just seems like a set for a reality show. While I do think that the cast is coming together and there are some stars here (notably Audrey, Shayne, Marcus, Natalie, and Demy as a lifelong friend of), and I can see the connections getting deeper and realer in season two. But if they can’t fix the restaurant, what use is there in having a show about the staff of said restaurant?
So, what exactly happens in this episode? Natalie and Jason go to a studio where they spray paint all over each other. Jason thinks it’s a date, but Natalie says it’s not, it’s just friend vibes even though they’ve been sucking face for weeks. Natalie says she can’t have any guy friends who don’t catch feelings. The way she treats them, I can’t believe she has any guy friends who don’t catch her colds.
Chris tells Jason that he doesn’t know if he wants to get serious with Audrey after all, even though in the last episode, he gave her the hard sell and she decided to give it another chance. Jason says this reminds him of that time Chris filmed with a porn star who became obsessed with him but he didn’t date her because she was a porn star. Dude! You’re a porn star!
Shayne hangs out with Natalie and decides he wants to pursue her again and tells her that he even asked Jason if he could go after her. Natalie has lunch with Angelica at Something About Her, and production can’t afford Katie or Ariana, and they didn’t even get free sandwiches. Natalie tells Angelica, who is back from boob-job leave, about Shayne wanting to try things again. Angelica says, “Do I have to stab you?” Sister, this man told you he is through with you. Angelica also says she already has a new man and she’s picking him up from LAX. That is something I would only do for someone I’d been dating for over a year. This girl moves fast.
Angelica tells Audrey about Shayne and Natalie, and Audrey tells Jason that Shayne asked about dating Natalie, but Shayne hadn’t asked him yet. I’m already confused and exhausted. (Conhausted? Exfused?) Natalie, Shayne, Jason, and Audrey all end up in the alley talking about it, and Natalie says she’s not even into Jason. Jason says, “Fine. Have at it, bro.” And then Natalie is like, “I don’t want him to have at me either. Gross.” Now this is all over.
Venus plans for the big season-finale Pride party. Angelica is bringing swimsuits, Marcus is going to DJ, and Natalie is going to perform her hit song “Sure As Silver” with Chris and Jason as her backup dancers. Everyone has something to do except Kim. Oh, wait. She’s going to stand out front and serve scowls at all passersby. Venus also goes to hang out with Marcus and he laughs when Marcus tells him that Kim is off her birth control. It’s the best scene in the whole hour. See! Friends!
The episode culminates with Audrey’s big stand-up debut. Shayne shows up with a new girl, and Angelica, who already has a new man staying at her place, is all bent out of shape and says that Shayne “can’t have any of this sandwich until it’s the only sandwich on the menu.” Girl, Shayne has given up on sandwiches. He is a gluten-free vegan. Just give it up.
Audrey’s set fits into the long line of Vanderpump Rules ladies trying their hand at comedy, whether it is Kristen, Ariana, or the roast of Jax Taylor that made his future mother-in-law anxious because there were gay jokes. I thought Audrey was going to bomb harder than Iranian nuclear facilities (too soon?) but she told some solid jokes about herself and her friends. Marcus looks like he pays for gas with quarters! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Her worst jokes, however, are reserved for Angelica, whom she digs on for still living with her ex, coming after her for seeking male validation, and generally being absolutely lame. Angelica gets up in the middle of the set to leave because she has absolutely no sense of humor. On her way out, Audrey shouts, “Go say hi to your ex,” which was objectively hilarious. But Angelica totters away thought he weird alley where the comedy club is, and she reflects on what a failure this whole thing is. Her ex is gone, her LAX boyfriend has flown away again, Shayne is on another date, Jason broke her back, and moved on to Natalie. She has no romance and that’s what this show is all about. But there’s something worse for both Angelica and the show and it’s not her lack of a lover. It’s that she has no friends whatsoever.
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