OUR RESIDENT sage Bill Badbody assesses all the ways Catherine Connolly has failed Ireland since she took up the presidency 100 days ago.
It gives me absolutely no pleasure to say I was right when I warned everyone Catherine Connolly would disgrace Ireland and plunge us into a nuclear war but I was right, and not only was I right about that, here’s all the other ways she’s disgraced us on the international stage:
1) Was incredibly disrespectful to Unionists during her attempted invasion and coup of Londonderry.
2) Didn’t deck Gregory Campbell during said invasion.
3) The scathing review of Wuthering Heights she left on Letterboxd saying ‘not horny enough by half’ while undoubtedly true is unbecoming of the office.
4) Calls herself a president for everyone but has failed to meet all 5,149,139 citizens.
5) Doesn’t look as small next to big dogs as predecessor did.
6) Won’t even give Maria Steen a lend of the presidency for one day. Not a single day!
7) Shockingly silent on the continued decline in quality of Creme Eggs.
8) Has failed to reunify North and South Korea despite once being asked about it in 1991 by a neighbour.
She was either silent or too vocal about the following issues:
9) Gaza
10) Iran
11) Andrew being a nonce
12) Venezuela
13) Donald Trump
14) Our corporation tax
15) Housing
16) The ingrown toenail epidemic
17) SNA cuts
18) U2 terrorising us with new music
19) Flooding
20) Barry Keoghan’s Ringo hairdo
21) The Rent Reform legislation
And this is either a betrayal of all the people who voted for on the hopes she’d speak out or exactly the sort of wild pontificating that makes her the Stalin of the Shantalla, I’m not sure which it is because I haven’t paid attention but I need to complain about something.
22) Has not granted Waterford City capital city status yet.
23) Didn’t personally clear flood water in Dublin with a bucket.
24) Probably brought the rain in a bag herself from Galway.
25) Has not responded to my email about buying the Áras so that I can rent it back to the Irish State as an IPAS centre.
26) Rang Donald Trump and said ‘Board of Peace? More like Board of Piss!’.
NOTE: Since I’ve received a legal letter disputing this, I must recontextualise where I heard this alleged conversation; I heard this in my heart and my heart never lies so therefore it is likely Catherine Connolly did indeed say this.
27) Has probably fallen for a Russian honeypot scheme whereby Rocky IV era Dolph Lundgren seduced her by flexing his biceps outside her window in Phoenix Park.
28) Which would also explain why she tried to kill Zelensky with those drones when he visited Ireland in December.
29) Has yet to invite Enoch Burke to loiter outside the gates of the Áras.
30) Gets more likes than Simon Harris on TikTok.
31) Unsuccessfully bid for Logan Paul’s Pokemon card with taxpayers money.
32) Using presidency to practice basketball skills so she can make the Irish b’ball team for the 2028 Olympics.
Points 33-95 have been nationalised and redistributed to the proletariat in a brazen act of communist aggression against the capitalist system Irish people hold dear to their bosom like it was their first born investment apartment.
96) Refused 87 times to reply to my email asking for the army to be deployed to act as personal security for Ireland’s landlords.
97) Putting thousands of hairdressers out a job by refusing to dye her hair.
98) Is pro-neutrality but called the guards on me when I put the Áras up for rent on Daft.ie
99) Has not liked any of the Brooklyn Beckham memes I sent her.
100) Has not given opinion columnists enough to go to justify being paid for a half baked opinion about how outrageous her presidency has been.