Sam and Cate are having their first session in couples therapy. “Are you in individual therapy?” the therapist asks.

“Yes,” both say.

“Just getting started, or have you been in it for a while?”

“Years.”

“And what are you working on in your therapies?”

“Oh, you know, managing everyday stress, things that come up during the week.”

I’ve met other couples like Sam and Cate who have been in therapy for years, using it to relieve stress and better manage their daily lives. Do you think they find it helpful? Absolutely. They always feel better when they walk out than when they came in. But honestly, I wince when I hear this for a couple of reasons.

One possible ethical concern is dependency. All therapy fields warn practitioners in their codes of ethics to be careful about fostering dependency—cultivating a positive relationship, but without making real progress. You attend therapy on Tuesday at 2 p.m. because you have therapy on Tuesday at 2 p.m. Now, Sam and Cate might say they are doing better with their weekly sessions than if they didn’t go, but are they truly making progress? Hmmm… maybe a gray area.

This brings me to my second concern: that they aren’t receiving the full psychological benefits from their sessions. I’ll admit I’m biased here. My approach to therapy involves helping clients learn skills, try new behaviors, and tackle their struggles to better manage their lives.

But even if your therapy isn’t behavioral—perhaps more psychodynamic and focused on helping you view your past differently—the goal remains the same: to apply these insights to help you respond in new ways. Therapy, I believe, should be about creating change, not just venting frustrations. It’s about moving forward, not just treading water more easily.

If any of this resonates with you, here are some tips on how to be a better consumer and make the most of your therapy:

Have clear goals

Therapy is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Imagine what that end might be: making an important decision, becoming a better parent or partner, managing your emotions more effectively. What skills do you need to develop? And even if you’re unsure or your thinking and language are somewhat vague—what does better look like—it is the therapist’s job to help you flesh this out.

Find out how the therapist’s approach can help you reach your goals

Don’t just go to someone because your friend loves hers or because they got good reviews on Reddit. Find out how they can help you with your problems; don’t just passively accept what you receive like a passenger on a train. Being a good consumer means taking an active role, having a say in what you get, and not settling for less.

Have an agenda for your sessions

Once therapy begins, come prepared. When your therapist asks, “How was your week?” don’t start mentally listing what you did in the past seven days. Instead, focus on what you want to address and what you need help with: Sam and I had an argument on Saturday, says Cate, and I’m still angry at him and don’t know how to talk with him about it. Or, a wave of depression seemed to come out of nowhere, and I’m wondering what triggered it.

Periodically review your progress

A good therapist will often start these conversations on their own, asking if what you both are focusing on is what you need. However, you can also step back, reflect, and offer feedback. Is there something you need to discuss that you haven’t yet? Does the therapist need to adjust their approach—such as providing more concrete suggestions, offering more positive feedback, or explaining the purpose of their questions? Most therapists will value your input. Ultimately, it’s about not settling for less than what you need.

Be careful about dependence

And if it starts to feel like you and your therapist are going on autopilot, or you’ve come to use therapy as a way to get what’s missing elsewhere in your life—such as validation, support, empathy, or challenging interactions—maybe it’s time to explore other ways of finding those things outside of sessions.

Get out of the garage

One of my clients recently commented that he has friends for whom therapy seems to be a lifelong process. But he prefers to think of therapy more like taking your car to a repair shop. You want to get it fixed, but not linger forever in the shop. Eventually, you want to get it back so you can drive it again on the open road.

I couldn’t agree more.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.