Movie Review: Bloody-minded, Brutish “The Bluff” does not Amuse

Priyanka Chopra Jonas furies through fight choreography and Karl Urban makes a worthy villain even if all the CGI in the world can’t make Australia look like “the Caribbean” in the the brutish, humorless pirate picture “The Bluffs.”

Co-writers Joe Ballarini and Frank E. Flowers (who also directed) cobble together characters and cliches from many a pirate tale for this ham-fisted affair, which sacrifices fun for fighting and sinks like a stone.

Set a dozen years after “Pirates of the Caribbean” had been wiped out — the 1840s — the film’s novelty is draping murderous cutthroats in ninja black and giving a few of them scoped sniper rifles and revolvers.

There was a time when the only pirate whose (single shot muzzle-loading) pistol fired repeatedly was Errol Flynn. But not here.

The dread pirate Connor (Urban) lost his treasure and is damned determined to find it. His multi-national crew (Temuera Morrison plays his “quartermaster”) is content to ride down tiny merchant ships and capture Captain Bodden. But when Bodden appears to have a sample of Connor’s gold in hand, Connor knows the island paradise of Cayman Brac is where his booty is hidden.

That’s a multi-cultural “emancipated British colony” of peaceful folks with barely the wherewithal to defend themselves save for a plan to summon British help with a signal fire on “The Bluff.” Fat chance of that, with snipers and scouts leading the slaughter on Captain Connor’s behalf.

But Ercell (Chopra Jonas), Bodden’s wife, stops fretting over his sister’s (Safia Oakley-Green) plans to sneak off with a sailor and gets her “hobbled” (on crutches) son (Vendante Naidoo) hidden. In a flash she’s kicking ass and letting one and ll know that “Aye” and “arrrr,” she used to be a pirate herself.

There’ll be no “booty” surrendered here, mates. Let the body count begin, “Captain.”

“Don’t ever call me that again!”

There are plot points — an attack on the homestead, a cave full of treasure, etc. — borrowed from every swashbuckler from “Treasure Island” to “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

But the blood-spattered Indian superstar isn’t in it for fun.

“Are you injured?” “Not as bad as them!”

Landscapes and ships at sea alike are faked and obviously so for the settings.

The subplots are even less interesting than the plot, and not allowing Urban a few moments of quipping, glint-in-the-eye villainy is as big a shortcoming as not scripting India’s most popular actress better one-liners.

Director Flowers doesn’t allow himself or anybody else the leisure to stop and smell the roses or crack wise. He wrote the “Bob Marley: One Love” movie, but there’ll be no accurate history here. And the director of “I Wish I was Gay” appears to have no sense of humor.

The only “playful” thing about this bloody-minded bore is the title, an intended “play” on words. And even that doesn’t play.

Rating: R, graphic, bloody violence

Cast: Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Karl Urban, Temuera Morrison, Safia Oakley-Green and Ismael Cruz Cordoba.

Directed by Frank E. Flowers, scripted by Joe Ballarini and Frank E. Flowers. . An MGM release on Amazon.

Running time: 1:43

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