I used to like Swedes. I mean Swedish people, not the turnip. They are probably the most beautiful people on the face of the earth, though not necessarily including ABBA. Well, maybe not the two guys. Generally only Ethiopians come near the Swedes for grace, elegance and beauty.
Behold our Nordic friends on any summer beach along the Mediterranean; the blonde hair, blue eyes, svelte figures, the lightly tanned, honey-toned skin, and you can understand where sixth century Pope Gregory was coming from.
Seeing such people for the first time, and used to his fellow black-haired, brown-eyed, brown-skinned Romans, he commented “they are not Angles, but angels”.
Sadly, he was referring to a people we now know as the English, descendants of Danes. (You don’t have to broadcast it!)
However, over recent months I have became increasingly disappointed in the Swedes. How could such a beautiful people come up with something so trite as: “there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes!”
Clearly, whichever of them did, was never in Ireland. No one who has lived here would come up with something as silly regarding our weather, while every winter we sink below the water table; our very own `periodic table of the elements’.
Dressing like deep-sea divers is no protection either as, given each day our daily deluge, keeping dry is just not an option. For, truly, as we keep off the rain on the outside, we then drown in our own sweat inside.
It has taught me that Brendan Behan’s grandmother and I have at least one thing in common. She had a bath once a year whether she needed it or not. I haven’t had a bath in decades but shower first thing every morning.
That surely is enough.
I feel so strongly about this that, whenever I return from the seemingly eternal wintry waterfall outside, waterproofed from head to toe, all undergarments wringing with sweat inside, feeling aggrieved and cheated I, on principle, vehemently refuse to shower again.
I did not break `the good clothing agreement’.
I cannot do otherwise, Swedes or no Swedes, even at the risk of pneumonia, pleurisy, flu, or a never-ending-cold that lasts all winter.
One shower a day is quite enough. Whether I need it or not!
Shower, from Old English scur, German schauer for `rain, downpour’.