This post is Part 2 of a series. Part 1 can be found here.

Recently, I was asked to blurb a book called Once Upon a Stranger. In it, I learned fascinating insights on why talking to strangers can benefit you in ways that even your most intimate relationships can’t. I interviewed the author, Gillian Sandstrom, who is also an associate professor at The University of Sussex.

Gillian Sandstrom: So the QUICK framework on how to talk to strangers:

QU = Question
IC = In Common
K = Kindness

The one I use most often is asking a question—particularly tapping into genuine curiosity. I’ll see someone doing something interesting and just ask, “What are you doing?” in a playful tone. I saw someone photographing a fence in a park and just said, “What are you doing?” It gets you past small talk immediately and into something real. And if you’re observant, there are endless opportunities. I walk a lot, so if I see someone with binoculars, I’ll say, “Oh, what are you looking for?”

The IC stands for “in common.” You always have something in common with a stranger because you’re in the same place at the same time. You might be waiting for the same bus or sitting in the same waiting room. That shared context is an easy starting point. You can also draw someone’s attention to something in your environment—I’ve pointed out spring flowers in the park, or dogs playing nearby. It’s also why we talk about the weather. And a small trick I use when I want to say “How are you” but don’t want it to sound hollow: I insert the time of day. At the end of the day, I’ll say, “Long day? Heading home?” It’s the same sentiment, just slightly customized.

K is for kindness. Compliments are an easy opener—comment on someone’s tattoo, their earrings, what they’re wearing. Those are all signals of who they are and what they want to show the world. You can compliment a parent on their polite children or a neighbor on their garden. And other small acts of kindness work, too — offering directions, or sharing a table.

Marisa G. Franco: I notice a tension when I talk to strangers. If I ask something functional—like “How does the steam room work?”—it feels less vulnerable, because it seems like I just need information. But when I try to genuinely connect—like saying “Long day, huh?” on the bus—that feels much more exposed, because I’m signaling that my goal is connection. The functional question is easier, but it can fall flat. The vulnerable one is harder but richer.

GS: I write about that in the book. Asking a question feels less risky because there’s a clear reason you’re talking—it removes the awkwardness of “Why is this person talking to me?”

MF: Since I’m all about friendship—how do you turn a stranger into a friend?

GS: First: You don’t have to. Strangers can just be strangers, and that’s still valuable. A conversation that goes nowhere beyond that moment is still meaningful. But if there’s a spark—the key is not to just walk away. Convert the moment into something concrete. Someone once gave me great advice: Never get off a call without scheduling the next one. The analog here is the same—if you’ve just met someone and liked them, put an offer out right then. The worst they can say is no.

Just last week, I chatted with someone at a bus stop and on the bus for maybe seven or eight minutes. We exchanged enough to find each other online. Before I could even reach out, he emailed me. We’re having lunch in a couple of weeks.

MF: Sometimes a stranger encounter is just a beautiful moment. But sometimes it triggers a whole chain of events. I talked to a neighbor, and now she’s my best friend—we just went to Guatemala together. Another neighbor and I meet twice a month to work on our mental health. Such a long chain of lovely things.

GS: And sometimes it’s even simpler—my husband just signed up for pottery classes because I mentioned a studio I’d heard about from someone on a train. Small conversations open doors to things you’d never have thought of.