“The public has given them a response, so I don’t need to give them a response. I just need to show up for season two looking cute.”
Photo-Illustration: Joe McKendry; Photo: Wagner Meier/Getty Images
The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you’ll learn about Niecy Nash, the Emmy-winning actor best known for playing Raineesha Williams on Reno 911! since 2003 and starring frequently in Ryan Murphy projects like Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story, Grotesquerie, and All’s Fair. She can currently be seen playing Emerald Greene on the latter, which was just renewed for a second season on Hulu.
I don’t usually eat or drink right before I go to bed. But if I had to choose — this is going to be a big stretch, okay? — I would say either water or a margarita. Maybe a combo. But not food.
Oh, wow. I feel like my religion would be one word: love. Period. Point blank. End of story. That is the driving force behind all things. I firmly believe that it is the thing that we were created for, but it’s the place where we struggle the most. So just love — showing people how to love better, harder, and stronger, how to enjoy it when it shows up, and how to recognize it when it knocks on the door.
It would probably be my own, first of all. It would probably be shapewear. I’m working on something. I feel like curvy girls have different issues, and I would like to address those in a way that is also very fetching to look at if your clothes just happen to fall off.
I don’t have a lot of fears, so I would probably say what happens when we transition from this life to the next — the uncertainty.
I just found out that my series, All’s Fair, is green-lit for season two, and we haven’t even finished airing the first season. I was so happy. The fact that we have been number one internationally since our debut is crazy town — especially since the critics said we were trash. But the public showed up and said, “Ah ah ah, not so fast.” The public has given them a response, so I don’t need to give them a response. I just need to show up for season two looking cute.
The last thing I read was a script this morning. It’s something I’m interested in producing. I love voices unheard and stories untold. And if I start to read something, and it makes me want to read it out loud, I know I’m locked in.
It was a pair of Christian Dior slides. I couldn’t find them anywhere, so I found them on a resale site where this woman had barely worn them. I don’t even know if she took them out of the box. Then I got them home, and they’re still on this shelf back here. I don’t even wear the shoes. I don’t even know why I had to have them. What happened was I broke my ankle, and I had to get shoes that I could wear after the break. But then the shoes I couldn’t wear anymore, I love looking at them so much that I couldn’t bear to throw them out. So some of the shoes you see back there are just pretty to look at.
I had a driver that was very difficult for me to listen to because he was very rude, curt, and short. I tried not to hold onto it too much, but I do remember he was just very snappy, and I was like, “Whoa, who are you talking to? How about just stop talking and let’s just drive. Because that’s what this is all about.”
A place I probably will never return to in life is Fiji. My experience there was not very friendly toward LGBTQ+, just with how they do things and how they operate there. I didn’t enjoy it so much.
I sure do. Ava DuVernay, Sherri Shepherd … I’ve got a couple folks who I could show up to for as long as I needed.
I’m a big fan of The Bear. I would love to either come in there as someone’s unexpected love interest, or some rival restauranteur — a rival mom-and-pop that opens up next door making biscuits.
I would like to quit delaying working out. I want to stop the procrastination of it. Because, in my mind, I work out! But I want to stop it from being in my mind and manifest it in my life. But I don’t have the strategy. That’s why it ain’t happen yet. I’d rather just stop eating. It’s easier.
Oprah. I would consider her a friend, and I just feel like she’s sat at the feet of some of the great minds and thinkers in life. She’s had amazing mentors, and so instead of trying to go around to all those folks, I’d just one-stop shop in her brain and get the collective.
I don’t know if I did anything this week. We might have to go back a few weeks. I was very, very upset at the experience I had at a hotel, and I spoke to the manager in a tone that was a little too strong for my liking. So I went downstairs to apologize, but he wasn’t there. I told a third party, “Tell him I said …” I’d definitely say I regret that.
I’m not typically a jealous person. If I had to pick a thing, it would be my family members who can sing. Because if I had the ability to be a triple threat, listen, my head wouldn’t fit through the door. So I guess the Lord was like, “Don’t give her that, because if she gets that too, it’s a wrap.” I’d probably just sing everywhere. I would sing my Starbucks order. I’d sing at baby showers, bar mitzvahs … I can carry a tune, but it’s not the same as my family members. There’s singing, and then there’s what you call, in my community, people who can sang. That’s different.
Probably five.
Mexico. I just spend a lot of time there because it’s so close to L.A. I love Puerto Vallarta, so that’s probably where I would go.
I’m trying to think of the people I don’t like. I guess the short answer would be that it’s okay that they don’t like me, and it’s really okay if I don’t like them. I think a lot of people live in that space where they need everyone in their orbit to like them or to be amenable. And sometimes it’s just not going to be the case, and that’s okay.
I haven’t had breakfast yet. I’m not a big breakfast person. But I’m more of a savory gal, so if I was going to have breakfast, it would probably be some sort of spicy omelet, or a very simple bacon, eggs, and avocado.
This is hard to quantify, because everything is funny. I literally laugh every single day. I’m the person you don’t want to sit next to at a funeral if you don’t want to laugh, because I can just find something, anything that’s funny. When I work with my friends — we still get together sometimes and do Reno 911! — those are some of the funniest people I’ve ever met in my life. I won’t laugh and ruin a take, but once they say, “Cut,” it’s all funny!
Children starving, babies crying, and anyone who feels hopeless is not funny at all.
My spouse. It’s my truth! Just yesterday, I looked over and I was like, “Oh my God, you’re so fine! You’re just so beautiful.” She was like, “What? Where’d that come from?” I was like, “I’m just telling you like I see it!”
People who go out of their way to be mean. It’s like, Why? I remember my daughter got the award for “Most Kind.” Everybody was getting scholastic awards, and she got the award for “Student Who’s the Most Kind.” Me and my mama jumped up and told all the other parents, “They don’t teach ‘kind’ in school. She got that at home!” I just think when people go out of their way to be unkind, it’s so ugly.
I don’t think there is enough where I wouldn’t need to work again, because I don’t work solely for the money. I work for the love of the art.
Old age. I’m going to probably live until I’m 100, and then I’m just going to lie down, go to sleep, and that’s going to be it. Look, that’s what I’m asking for!