Parents of singletons sometimes grapple with the notion that they are being selfish when they are happy with one offspring and declare one child is enough for them.
When doing one-on-one interviews for my book, Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child, women I spoke with had strong feelings about being thought of as or called “selfish.”
But Americans, almost three-quarters of them (73 percent), recognize that it’s not possible to raise children without “making major personal sacrifices,” according to the report “Emerging Trends and Enduring Patterns in American Family Life” from the American Enterprise Institute.
All parents must make sacrifices, irrespective of how many children they have. So you may be asking yourself: Where do I draw the line between accepting some level of sacrifice and having a life that allows me to be a content, happy person and parent? For parents of one, the answer may be that they focus on parenting and don’t worry about what others may think or say. It’s worth restating, as many parents I interviewed have, that this is a highly individual decision.
Veronica,* 37, who is part of an only-child dynasty, shared with me what she had posted on a members-only parenting board: To have one child, she asserted, is “seen as selfish, because children are the ultimate sacrifice. Those of us who attempt to make the best of all aspects of our worlds are often seen as greedy because we want it all. I want and love my child more than anything, but I also want a career, and I really want a happy marriage. Adding another child to our lives would directly affect the three things that have the greatest impact on me.”
I pressed Veronica about whether she ever feels guilty for having “only” one child and received a categorical “no.” She is emphatic: “Another child is not right for us. Could we? Yes, but with one we can take mental health time … and we can feel confident our 3-year-old is getting quality care.”
Mia* calls having one child “self-preservation.” With one child, she and her partner can take turns caring for their child when the other needs a break. “I would not be setting my child up for success if I had another child,” she says. “One child gives us an opportunity to be with our son unstressed and not constantly worried about who is where and when. I don’t think that is selfish. For me, it is self-preservation.”
Samantha* similarly pushes back strongly against any judgment some might pass on parents who don’t have multiple children. “I wish other people knew that I am not having one child because I am selfish. I am doing it to be the best mother I can be to my daughter,” she says. “I am doing it from a place of selflessness. I want her to have the best of me, and I know I would not be able to give her the best with more than one child.”
* Names of study participants in the Only Child Research Project have been changed to protect their identities.
Copyright @2025 by Susan Newman, PhD