How agreeable are you?
I don’t even agree with myself. My job is to watch movies, have opinions about them, and then explain those opinions, but quite often I find myself going back to them, not agreeing with any of it. Due to the miracle of the internet, I know that some people find me profoundly disagreeable. I know this for a fact because I’ve heard from some of them in person.
What’s your middle name and what do you think of it?
My middle name is James, and I love it. I probably prefer it to Mark. I was named after my grandfather, on my mother’s side, who is from the Isle of Man. My grandfather, a great guy, I loved him, was James Stanley, known to everyone as JS. I always thought the idea of being known just by your initials was the coolest thing, because it sounds classy. Would I like to be known as MK? Well, since JD Vance, the idea of being called by your initials has gone to the wall, hasn’t it?
Where is your favourite place in Ireland?
My favourite place is Donegal. There’s a beach, Rathmullan beach, which is just beautiful to walk on, and at the end of it, there is a proper pub, the White Harte. We were there last year. I hadn’t been in the pub for, literally, several years. I walked in, and they went, “Alright, Mark, pint of Guinness?” I have nothing but good memories associated with Donegal. Whenever we go there, you can feel everything dial itself down.
Describe yourself in three words.
Quite funny sometimes. I think it’s important to have a sense of humour about things, and so I’m saying that as a glowing compliment to myself.
When did you last get angry?
When I started as a film critic, I had a reputation for being the angry guy who does the angry rants. For a long time, I thought it was part of my personality, but I learned that I just don’t like anger at all. I went online and bought some books with titles like How to Control Anger and What is Anger? I read them all, and I stopped, pretty much, getting angry. I still get irritable, but I don’t really do anger any more, and I’m very glad not to.
What have you lost that you would like to have back?
I long for the sublime innocence of the time when I neither knew nor cared to know anything about Donald Trump, and I absolutely long for the time when he and his grotesque family and supporters are consigned to the dustbin of history, and we don’t need to think about them ever again.
What’s your strongest childhood memory?
I was quite young, under five, and my mum had a little Morris Minor. One day, I got in the car – this is before the time of safety belts – and my mum asked me if the car door was closed. I said it was, and to prove it, I leaned on it. I fell out of the car onto the road and landed on my face, which resulted in scars and a tooth going through my tongue. I was taken to the hospital, and because I’d been a good little boy, they gave me a Corgi Simon Snorkel fire engine with stabilisers. I’ve never forgotten the incident, but what I remember the most is the red fire engine, which I think is in the attic. I would never have thrown it away.
Where do you come in your family’s birth order and has this defined you?
I’m the middle child. Everyone says that middle children are difficult, awkward, anxious, and they don’t know where they fit in, and I’m absolutely the classic middle child. I get on really well with my younger brother and older sister, but, yes, I am a classic middle child. The difficult, awkward, narky one, that’s me.
What do you expect to happen when you die?
I have no idea what will happen. If there is some amazing, cosmic plan, it isn’t going to be bothered whether or not I know anything about it. Kurt Vonnegut had the quote on a tombstone in his novel Slaughterhouse-Five: “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”.
When were you happiest?
It’s now, if that doesn’t sound too naff, but the problem with the question is that it’s past tense. It implies that the happiest you’ve been in your life is already gone. I’m 62, and I am now playing in a band with a guy that I played with when I was a teenager. We used to listen to the Gang of Four album Entertainment! and say wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to sound like that? We stayed friends, we each played in bands, and when we both turned 60, we said maybe we actually could play that album. So we’re coming over to Dublin to play an album that meant the world to me when I was a younger, more vulnerable person. Meanwhile, as we’re having this conversation, my wife, who I’ve been married to for 34 years, is the love of my life and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. And when we’re finished talking, we’re going to Cornwall to be with our two children. I don’t think it gets much better than that, does it?
Which actor would play you in a biopic about your life?
Jason Isaacs. I was at school with him, and he was the person I wanted to be more than anyone else in the world. I thought he was the coolest person I’d ever met. We weren’t friends back then because I thought he was simply too cool for school. Years later, we got to know each other, and he said, “No, I wasn’t the cool guy – I thought you were the cool one!” It turned out that we were both just awkward and out of place. If anyone’s going to play me in a movie, I want it to be Jason because he is who I wanted to be when I was young.
What’s your biggest career/personal regret?
I wish I’d done psychoanalysis sooner. I did three years of it a few years ago because I spent most of my life racked with anxiety and worrying about things that really weren’t important. I found therapy helpful, and it transformed things for me; it gave me a sense of calmness that I didn’t have before. The other thing I regret is that I didn’t get hearing aids earlier, because if you’re a gentleman who’s losing [your] hearing, they will change your life.
Have you any psychological quirks?
I’ve got a weird ability to remember pop lyrics, although I can’t remember what I did last week or why I went to the shops. Another thing is that I find The Minions hilariously funny, and you’d be amazed at how some people get so annoyed about that. Seriously, if I’m in a bad mood, just play me a clip from The Minions, and I’ll stop being cross.
In Conversation with Tony Clayton-Lea.
Mark Kermode and his band Gang of Three play Whelan’s, Dublin, Wednesday, January 22nd