For many of us in Northern Ireland, from various backgrounds, an Irish presidential election can seem like the Eurovision Song Contest. It is eccentrically foreign, yet still involves us for some strange reason.
There are a large number of novelty acts, although they appear to take themselves quite seriously. The voting system is incomprehensible and possibly irregular.
While the drama is high, the stakes are ultimately low – it is an office with very little Boom Bang-a-Bang.
For those of us from a Protestant, unionist or British background, the present contest apparently involves us in particular due to the candidacy of Fine Gael’s Heather Humphreys.
This is because she is Protestant, which does not matter. It would scarcely be noticed were it not worth bringing it to our attention.
“There goes Heather Humphreys, the Protestant,” Ireland says. “We don’t care about that sort of thing at all. Not like you lot up there.”
This is super, obviously – although perhaps just a teeny little bit judgmental.
However, it does not get around the reality that most Protestants up here do not care about the Irish presidency at all – not through active hostility in the vast majority of cases but simply as a matter of genuine and understandable indifference.
How can the occupant of Áras an Uachtaráin have any bearing on our lives?
The only Boom Bang-a-Bang I can think of would be signalling opposition towards a united Ireland. Of course, no candidate can do this if they want to win – or indeed uphold the Constitution.
On the contrary, a Protestant candidate may feel obliged to emphasise their aspiration for a united Ireland, to reassure everyone who might vote for them, all of whom live south of the Border.
At the very least, such a candidate will generate speculation on their potential for “outreach” to unionists. This fails to understand that unionists do not want to be persuaded on the merits of a united Ireland, by definition. As David Trimble put it, they want to be left alone.
It could be said only a teeny little bit in jest that Humphreys disproves unionist fears about the Irish language. There is clearly no need to speak it to hold or aspire to the highest offices in the Republic, including minister for the Gaeltacht. A person merely has to say they will learn it, then not bother.
Let us have no demeaning cliches about “an Irish solution to an Irish problem”.
This is a solution any British person can applaud. It is the pragmatism of Burke, Disraeli and a country with the sense not to write down its constitution. Alas, not everyone seems to view it with the appropriate spirit of compromise.
Humphreys is now attracting attention over past family connections to the Orange Order.
Orangeman are almost as rare among Protestants as people promising to learn Irish. The Orange institution refuses to divulge membership numbers, presumably because they are embarrassingly low. Fewer than 20,000 would be a fair guess.
Many of their one million co-religionists across the island of Ireland do not appreciate being associated with this fringe group. Some even consider it sectarian, ironically.
Are Protestants always pictured by others in a metaphorical sash and bowler hat, however urbane they might fondly imagine themselves?
I am reminded of the dinner party scene in Annie Hall, where Woody Allen believes he is impressing his girlfriend’s family with his sophisticated wit, unaware they are picturing him as an orthodox rabbi.
Yet at the same time, many Protestants with no love of the Orange Order still interpret criticism of it as an attack on their community overall, precisely because of this unfair association.
Nationalists might legitimately feel this puts them in no-win situation when it comes to saying anything about Orangeism, good or bad.
Critics of Humphreys insist they are not questioning her Orange Order links, only whether she has been forthright in declaring them.
The question of why a person might be reluctant to declare such links is apparently not worth investigating or even asking. It must be due to some vague political instinct not to be entirely forthright about anything. It certainly cannot be through fear of a sectarian reaction, because Ireland is not sectarian, as proved by nobody even noticing Humphreys is a rabbi.
Protestants might legitimately feel this sophistry puts them in a no-win situation when raising concerns about prejudice against them in the Ireland of today or tomorrow. And that is the point. We are both caught, north and south, in our own perfectly circular arguments. This is why partition is a great idea and will hopefully outlive us all.
As for Humphreys, one can only paraphrase Adlai Stevenson.
Ireland is a country where any Protestant can grow up to be president. But that is just a risk she has to take.