By Peyton Andino
Disclaimer: Like a first-year student believing they should buy all their required textbooks, this story is completely incorrect.
As usual, every first-year student is being an absolute dorking loser and buying textbooks just because their syllabus says so.
At the heart of this issue stupidly sits first-year geology major Bobby Schnozwell, who was reported to have purchased every single textbook mentioned on his course outline, with the cost coming out to around six bajillion dollars and the total number of books purchased being five.
Schnozwell was spotted by a total hunk of a reporter (definitely not me) hunched over “A Brief History of Pebbles” and snorting up whatever snot was leftover from the dreaded freshman flu.
“Eugh… Jeez, my mom said thewe’d be guys wike you”
In the worst interview The Eyeopener has ever gotten, he said through the most nasal voice he could probably muster, “Eugh… jeez, my mom said thewe’d be guys wike you. Of couwse I had to get eweything.”
After being punched square in the circular glasses and stuffed into a locker by a bully from an 80s movie, Schnozwell continued, “appawently, all the books were witten by my pwofessor. What’s the pwoblem with that? I willy wike supporting
small businesses!”
There’s been a reported bullying problem on the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) campus as the bookstore’s line down Gould Street filled with first-years, who have complained about consistent pies-to-faces, atomic wedgies and noogies at the hands of guys who look like Biff from Back to the Future.
The university’s consistent history of general punching down is extremely consistent with its inferiority complex but the problem has been exacerbated in recent years due to the general cornball nature of incoming freshmen.
“I haven’t sold a single Business Management sweater to anyone today!”
Due to the influx of geeks, nerds and freaks, the regular folks have fled the campus bookstore, with the employees finally happy that someone came in and didn’t buy a sweater.
“We’re out of textbooks, but I haven’t sold a single Business Management sweater to anyone today! We used to sell like five of those per minute!” lamented campus store employee Rhea Tyl-Wurker. “At least with the textbooks gone it doesn’t smell like desperation and sweat…No, I lied…it still does.”
Schnozwell’s main issue continues to be the fact that walking down the hall carrying his textbooks has caused him to be the laughing stock of Kerr Hall East.
Security cameras have caught Schnozwell being pulled into the men’s washroom and given a swirlie, people throwing slushies in his face and assorted TMU Bold varsity jacket wearers laughing at him while cracking their knuckles and smirking.
“At least…it doesn’t smell like desperation and sweat…No, I lied…it still does”
Campus behavioural research expert Imna Treal stated that this makes sense due to the fact that Schnozwell is a loser, actually, and buying textbooks is for stupid dweebs.
“When have you needed a textbook? No, seriously—other than those stupid ones with codes, when has studying from one actually worked?” said Treal. “Our recommendation at the TMU Office of Discovery and Looking at your Search History (TMUODLSH) is to just copy the notes of the guy on Snapchat selling them.
First-years are being instructed to shelter in place and watch out for incoming spitballs. Or don’t. NERD!
Related