The devastated mother of a beautiful little baby girl, who was stillborn last month, has shared their story in the hope it will help other parents affected by baby loss feel less alone.
–This article and pictures discuss stillbirth and baby loss.–
Amanda Cooke and her partner Adam Donohoe’s daughter, Croía, was stillborn on August 1st.
She had “chubby cheeks, brown hair, blonde eyebrows and long fingernails”.
Her parents had never “felt a love like it”, but it also came with the most unbearable heartbreak.
Just 26 hours earlier, Amanda and Adam learned during a scan in labour that baby Croía had passed away.
There had been no sign or warning and Amanda (20), from Mountcharles, was 40 weeks and three days pregnant when she went into spontaneous labour.
Her pregnancy had gone as smoothly as possible and they were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their daughter.
Speaking to Donegal Daily, Amanda said she and Adam were ‘absolutely thrilled’ to learn of her pregnancy.
They both live in Galway and Amanda is undertaking a course at the National University of Galway in Child Youth and Family Policy and Practice.
“I got the morning sickness and typical symptoms, but it was all grand. I didn’t have anything out of the ordinary and I did everything right. I took my vitamins and avoided coffee etc,” Amanda said.
The couple excitedly prepared for their baby’s arrival and named her Croía as soon as they found out she was a girl.
They had “piles and piles of boxes of clothes”, a pram and car seats, with lots of items purchased by Croía’s doting grandparents Adrienne and Paul (Adam’s parents) and her aunties Grace and Sara – Amanda’s sister.
Amanda credited each of them with being “overwhelmingly supportive”, while Adam was “amazing the whole pregnancy”.
Around a week before she went into labour, Amanda went to hospital in Galway as she felt she had reduced movements, but tests all came back normal and there were no concerns.
Croía’s cot and memory box.
Amanda was told that Croía was “head down” and “everything was ok”.
At 40 weeks and three days, she began to have contractions.
“We thought: ‘This is it. We’re going to see our baby’.
“Adam rang family – who were all so excited – to tell them we were on our way to the hospital. We went into the hospital, thinking we were going to be leaving again with our baby.”
Devastatingly, on arrival at the hospital and again, without any red flags that anything was wrong, Amanda was scanned.
This was when she and Adam were given the devastating news that their Croía had passed away.
“I have never felt anything like the shock and trauma,” said Amanda.
“The shock and heartbreak of hearing that caused my contractions to stop. You can feel your heart splitting in two. It is just pure grief.
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“You wonder, every week, what they’re going to look like and you build your life around being their mum.
“Our whole lives came crashing down.”
On Saturday 1st August, Croia was born still – 26 hours after Amanda and Adam were given the heartbreaking news.
“I knew during labour that she was gone and I knew I was going to have to face seeing her.
“I was scared, but there was still excitement and joy in knowing that I was going to be seeing her for the first time. It was just like she was sleeping.
“She was exactly like I thought she would be. She looked just like her dad in the 3D scan. She had his nose and she had my face shape.
“She was 7lb 13, 63cm with chubby little cheeks. She had blonde eyebrows and brown hair and lovely long fingernails.
“There was this overwhelming joy in seeing her, but there is also no trauma like it. Seeing your child like that is unnatural and my heart was just broken. I just never wanted to let her go.”
Amanda told how, during her pregnancy, she thought that because she was young, there was less of a chance something could go wrong.
“You have no idea. You think it’s like how you see in movies, where something so obvious goes wrong. But, we have no idea yet what happened and we’re waiting on the post mortem results. But, a lot of the time you just don’t know.”
Amanda and Adam were able to spend time with Croía until 7pm on the Sunday, when they had to say goodbye.
The couple drove with Croía from Galway to Clar Chapel in Donegal Town to lay her to rest.
“I held her the whole time and memorised her whole face.
“My favourite part of her was her hands and I’ll be her mummy forever. The grief is immeasurable, but the desire for her never to be forgotten is so strong.
“It’s the greatest love you’ll ever experience and I want people to know her name. I want them to talk about her. I want to show her picture.
“I also want people to understand that behind every statistic is a real baby and family.
“I want other families to know they can talk about their babies and other people to talk to them about them.”
Amanda told how, since losing Croia, she has been approached by other parents, who have told her about their own losses.
She said many have told her they don’t feel like they can speak about their loss or their child, due to taboos around child loss or a wish to not make other people feel uncomfortable.
“Our babies deserve to be talked about and remembered. Stillbirth and loss can happen to anyone. There can’t be any expectation to minimise our loss.
“I would hope that some other grieving mother or father sees this and thinks: ‘We should and can talk about our baby. I want mums and dads to feel like that can.’
“Everyone grieves differently, I know. But, parents and family should be able to speak if they want to.
“We will love Croía for the rest of our lives. She made me a mum. She was everything to us and still is.”
Amanda says she has received ‘amazing’ support from groups Féileacáin and A Little Lifetime Foundation.
You can reach out to these groups at: feileacain.ie and at www.alittlelifetime.ie