{"id":120348,"date":"2025-11-04T01:07:07","date_gmt":"2025-11-04T01:07:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/120348\/"},"modified":"2025-11-04T01:07:07","modified_gmt":"2025-11-04T01:07:07","slug":"parenting-is-hard-and-harder-when-youre-sick","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/120348\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting is hard \u2013 and harder when you\u2019re sick"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u2018YOU HAVE this gorgeous child, who wants to play and have fun with you, and you\u2019re dragging yourself around, trying to make it through the day.\u201d This is how mother of one Linda Murray describes parenting while having adenomyosis and endometriosis, whereby cells similar to the womb\u2019s lining grow in the muscle wall of the uterus and outside the uterus. Symptoms include fatigue, severe pain, and fertility problems.<\/p>\n

\u201cExhaustion is the real issue for me, my most relentless, debilitating symptom,\u201d says Murray, 46, from Monasterevin in Co Kildare. While some days are better than others, the fatigue feels constant. \u201cLike a feeling of \u2019flu in your body, in your muscles and bones, like you\u2019re coming down with something, and it\u2019s all the time. Most people start their day on a good battery. I feel my days start at 10%.\u201d<\/p>\n

Diagnosed with severe endometriosis at 33, Murray was deemed highly unlikely to ever get pregnant. \u201cI couldn\u2019t believe it when I did. My husband, William, and I were over the moon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ellie, weighing under 4lbs, was born five weeks early by emergency C-section, due to acute feto-maternal haemorrhage. \u201cIt was touch and go for the first few weeks, but she was such a fighter. She was born deaf and had cochlear implant surgery at 18 months. She hasn\u2019t stopped surprising everyone since. She\u2019s full of life, chatty, stubborn, and has taught us [so much] about strength.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"LindaLinda Murray with her daughter Ellie at home in Monasterevin, Co. Kildare. Photo: Alf Harvey.<\/p>\n

Murray believes she\u2019d have been a different parent without her medical conditions. \u201cI feel I missed out on parts of motherhood: The day-to-day enjoyment of having a child, the rough and tumble, chasing her around. I feel Ellie didn\u2019t always get the mother she deserved.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve always done my best, but, sometimes, my body doesn\u2019t co-operate \u2014 by midday, I could feel like going back to bed. It\u2019s hard to accept, because the wish is there, to be present, soak up every bit of the experience.<\/p>\n

\u201cParenting a child with extra needs, you need to become researcher and advocate, attend lots of appointments, give lots of time to homework. That, in itself, is taxing, but when you\u2019re already dealing with [chronic illness] it can be overwhelming.\u201d<\/p>\n

Murray, an employee engagement manager with TU Dublin, feels hugely supported by her husband and work colleagues. She has reconnected with her creative side, joining a choir, and she likes short woodland strolls.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat brings a feeling of energy \u2014 it\u2019s something Ellie and I can enjoy together. Enjoying the simpler things has helped me parent better, helped me remember that I\u2019m more than my illness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ellie, now 11, was eight when Murray told her \u201cproperly\u201d about her endometriosis. \u201cChildren are so intuitive \u2014 her deafness means she\u2019s very attuned; she\u2019d see things in your face you wouldn\u2019t even be aware of. I could see she knew I wasn\u2019t well, that she was worried about me. I wanted to reassure her that, though I\u2019ve a chronic illness, I\u2019m not going to end up in hospital; she\u2019s not going to lose me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think she was relieved. She used to say, \u2018Oh, you\u2019re always tired\u2019. Now she knows my tiredness isn\u2019t me fobbing her off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"OrlaOrla Marron who has MS is mum to Katie (10) and Kyle (12). They are pictured in her parents garden outside Carrickmacross, Co. Monaghan beside her Father Brian’s favourite tree. Orla’s Mother, Angela also has an MS diagnosis. Photo: Lorraine Teevan<\/p>\n

A mum with multiple sclerosis<\/p>\n

Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) in 2017, aged 30, Co Monaghan-based mother of two Orla Marron has always been aware of MS, because her mother has it, too. (MS is not directly inherited from parents, but there is a genetic component.)<\/p>\n

Married to Christopher, Marron only told her children, Kyle, 12, and Katie, 10, last year. \u201cThey were four and two when I was diagnosed. I didn\u2019t tell them then, because their first vision would be granny with MS and mum\u2019s in a more severe state, having had MS for 30 years.\u201d<\/p>\n

Marron, who found a treatment that stabilised her condition three years ago, has huge family support. They always helped out on her bad days. \u201cThat was a huge relief.\u201d<\/p>\n

But parenting with MS was \u201cemotionally very hard\u201d, particularly when the children were young.<\/p>\n

\u201cDuring the Beast from the East in 2018, I remember looking out at them from the kitchen window. They were playing in the snow, and I was just not in a good way, and I\u2019d have loved nothing more than to be out there with them.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo them, mammy was boring, lazy, no fun, and daddy was great craic. Emotionally, that was hard. It\u2019s still hard on days I\u2019m not able to do the fun things with them. Sometimes, Kyle will say, \u2018Do you not want to come out and play football with me?\u2019 \u2014 simple things that to a child mean a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

Receiving treatment by infusion every six weeks, Marron is thankful she generally has four to five \u201cgood\u201d weeks, though when approaching treatment she feels fatigued and it takes time to recover.<\/p>\n

She has given up her job in banking to focus on her health: Mindfulness, reflexology, and daily exercise are all part of this.<\/p>\n

\u201cI drop the children off at school and I do either mindfulness or exercise. I\u2019ve energy [in the mornings], but I don\u2019t want to waste it. I need it for when they come home from school. It\u2019s a balancing act.\u201d<\/p>\n

An MS Ireland Readathon ambassador last year, she decided then to tell her children about her condition. \u201cIt was coming anyway: They were asking more questions. Their first reaction was, \u2018You\u2019re going to be like granny\u2019. Mum is secondary progressive 1762218426 and sometimes in a wheelchair. I said, \u2018No, years ago when granny was diagnosed there weren\u2019t many meds to help her\u2019. I explained that there are lots of different medications now, and I\u2019m on a really good one that\u2019s working very well. And that was sort of it\u2026 It all fell in to place: I was able to explain why some days mammy is tired, and they understood, \u2018It\u2019s not that mammy didn\u2019t want to play with us \u2014 there\u2019s a reason\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n

Impact on the child<\/p>\n

According to the 2022 Census, 16% to 19% of 20- to 49-year-olds have a long-lasting condition, and a substantial segment of this age range will likely be parents. Psychotherapist Bethan O\u2019Riordan says chronic illness impacts parents across life: Physically, emotionally, logistically, and mentally. She says parents worry enormously about the impact on their child and feel loneliness about the gap between their limited possibilities and how \u201cmainstream parents seem to be able to get on with it\u201d.<\/p>\n

Chronic illness also creates extra work around organising contingency plans for days they feel very unwell, \u201ca back-up plan for how to get children to school, home from school, fed\u201d. O\u2019Riordan says what children need most from parents is a consistent presence, the parent tuned in to the child\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor a child, feeling safe and secure isn\u2019t about being taken here, there, and everywhere: It\u2019s about that connection between them and the person who cares for them most.\u201d<\/p>\n

O\u2019Riordan urges parents with chronic illness not to compare themselves to other parents and, instead, recommends strategising more.<\/p>\n

\u201cAsk what are you able for? And present this to your child as things to do. Resist pushing to keep up \u2014 be very realistic about your own limits. It\u2019s important to teach children, \u2018No, that\u2019s not for me, that doesn\u2019t suit me\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd with chronic illness, it\u2019s important to say, \u2018I can\u2019t do this right now, but I can do this, instead\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cAsk yourself, \u2018Can I create a quieter life that suits my needs?\u2019 When my needs are met, I can be the parent my child needs. Ask: \u2018How can I have fun with my child? How can I enjoy them? Playing with bubbles, watching TV together, listening to music, telling stories?\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n

O\u2019Riordan encourages finding \u201ca realistic good enough\u201d. This means being very courageous in cultivating a compassionate part of you that knows this illness is not your fault. \u201cA compassionate part that\u2019s also really committed to finding the life that\u2019s realistic for you.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u2018YOU HAVE this gorgeous child, who wants to play and have fun with you, and you\u2019re dragging yourself…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":120349,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[71803,71805,20645,71804,103,61,60,1786,756],"class_list":{"0":"post-120348","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-parenting-baby","9":"tag-parenting-preschool","10":"tag-parenting-school-children","11":"tag-parenting-toddler","12":"tag-health","13":"tag-ie","14":"tag-ireland","15":"tag-parenting","16":"tag-parenting-advice"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/120348","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=120348"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/120348\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/120349"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=120348"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=120348"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=120348"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}