{"id":156970,"date":"2025-11-24T12:13:12","date_gmt":"2025-11-24T12:13:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/156970\/"},"modified":"2025-11-24T12:13:12","modified_gmt":"2025-11-24T12:13:12","slug":"for-better-or-for-worse-but-not-necessarily-for-retirement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/156970\/","title":{"rendered":"For Better or for Worse, but Not Necessarily for Retirement"},"content":{"rendered":"

On this episode of The Long View<\/a>, author, podcast host, and financial planner and head of growth for TFP Financial Planning, Dan Haylett, discusses how people can find what is right for them in retirement, what couples should consider when planning to retire, how retirees can give themselves the permission to spend on what matters, and more lessons for retirement planning from his new book, The Retirement You Didn\u2019t See Coming.<\/p>\n

Here are a few highlights from Haylett\u2019s conversation with Morningstar\u2019s Christine Benz<\/a> and Amy Arnott<\/a>.<\/p>\n

How Couples Can Make a \u2018My Plan, Your Plan, Our Plan\u2019 for Retirement<\/p>\n

Amy Arnott: Dan, we also wanted to talk to you about the whole topic of relationships, which is one of your five pillars of a thriving retirement. And you\u2019ve worked extensively with couples on their retirement plans. And I\u2019m curious, what kinds of questions should you be asking your partner or spouse as you\u2019re both starting to think about retirement?<\/p>\n

Dan Haylett: My experience suggests that any question is really good because a lot of them don\u2019t actually ask any questions of one another. And don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019ve worked with some couples that have been very open about what they want to do and how they want to do it with one another before coming in and seeing me. But in general, I sit down with a couple and I\u2019m like, have you two just met before you walked in here? Like, it doesn\u2019t feel like you\u2019ve ever had this discussion or know deeply what one another is thinking about this stage of life. So, any question is great.<\/p>\n

However, I think what they should be really curious about is what this stage of life looks like for each other. What are the things that they would like to achieve? Do not assume that you want to achieve the same things. So, one of the exercises I try and do is create the kind of \u201cmy plan, your plan, our plan\u201d type scenario. And I do this through various sketches. But the easiest one is to do that Venn diagram, and you get them to go, what are the kinds of things that you want to feel and do? What are the kinds of things that the other spouse wants to feel and do? And what are the things that you want to feel and do together? And just to open up that conversation, I think, is so vital because you often get people who either sacrifice their own thoughts for the other person, or they have very different thoughts, and both of those come out in that meeting. \u201cI\u2019ll just do what he or she wants to do,\u201d which doesn\u2019t feel great. And the other one is when one of them goes, \u201cWell, I want to travel around Europe.\u201d And the other one goes, \u201cI want to look after my grandchild and tend to my garden.\u201d And they both look at each other like, \u201cGee, we\u2019ve got a problem here.\u201d And who\u2019s going to give in? Which one do we want to do?<\/p>\n

So, I think understanding before any buttons are pushed to feel like you are going to give yourself more time and maybe phase into retirement or even the hard stop. And feeling comfortable that it\u2019s OK to have three journeys in retirement. It\u2019s OK for you to have your separate things that you\u2019d like to do. And it\u2019s OK then, and vital, to have the things that you want to do together. Because for the first time in your marriage, you\u2019re going to be spending daytime together. Really, unless you\u2019ve been ill or you\u2019ve been working from home as a couple over the past few years, this is a real litmus test for that changing dynamic of a relationship and being truthful about that and having those conversations and asking curious questions about one another\u2019s wants and desires and dreams and fears is really going to make each other understand about what this phase of life looks like.<\/p>\n

Why Early Covid Days Could Be a Litmus Test for Couples Planning to Retire<\/p>\n

Christine Benz: Speaking of a litmus test, the retirement researcher Michael Finke made the point to me that the early covid days were a good litmus test for couples. And his point was, \u201cDid you enjoy that time with your spouse or did you drive each other crazy?\u201d Do you think that\u2019s a good mental reference point for people as they\u2019re thinking through what this phase might be like with more togetherness?<\/p>\n

Haylett: I do. And I think it\u2019s a really good reference point. It can be a little bit strange because it was such a strange time. It wasn\u2019t as clear-cut as you\u2019re home now and everything is fine. We were forced to be within\u2014you couldn\u2019t be at home and then nip out for a coffee for two hours and see your friends to give yourself a break from whatever you need to give yourself a break from. So, I do think it was a litmus test about how we can interact and spend time with one another, how we can respect each other\u2019s space. And without being too stereotypical here, it\u2019s definitely women who have been very, very good, much better than men, at creating better, longer-lasting relationships, deeper relationships.<\/p>\n

Men\u2019s relationships on the whole are much more superficial and potentially more work-oriented. And what that\u2019s given\u2014and I know that\u2019s nuanced and it has changed quite a bit\u2014is you feel like you kind of invade on each other\u2019s lives. Let\u2019s just go for the whole stereotypical thing to make it easy. The man is home and says, \u201cDo you want to go out for lunch on Tuesday?\u201d And the wife will tell him, \u201cWell, no, that Tuesday is when I go out with my friends. I\u2019ve been doing that for 10 years. You just haven\u2019t known about it because you\u2019ve been at work.\u201d That kind of thing. And so it\u2019s to understand and respect each other\u2019s structure, each other\u2019s anchors, and to understand and respect that everyone has their own things that they want to do. And this is why I think it\u2019s really interesting to be comfortable in each other\u2019s company and comfortable in silence. If you try and force the issue with this, then I think it really does start to highlight some issues. This is about making sure that you can respect each other\u2019s time and space.<\/p>\n

Arnott: I think it could be helpful to realize that you don\u2019t have to spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week together, and it\u2019s OK to have time by yourself or time with friends in addition to time with your spouse, and have a more balanced way of spending your time.<\/p>\n

Haylett: In fact, I would say, please don\u2019t spend 24 hours, seven days a week with each other. It\u2019s not that you shouldn\u2019t. It\u2019s that you absolutely shouldn\u2019t. And that won\u2019t lead to the positive outcomes that you want. And again, let\u2019s go back to the leisure thing. If you want to enjoy time away with your spouse, then time away with your spouse will be exactly the same. It might just be in a different country. It might be a bit hot or a bit colder. That\u2019s the problem. If you\u2019re spending all of this time together every day, when you decide to go away, the impact of leisure time and holiday time actually doesn\u2019t have anywhere near the impact that you thought it might have. In fact, it has the opposite. I\u2019ve seen people come home and be really, really deflated because it was just like being at home, just in another country. That\u2019s why it\u2019s really important to make sure there is still this magic time together that you have. And there are still things that you can talk about and bring to the conversation because you\u2019ve been doing different things with different people. And that just keeps that relationship energized and fresh.<\/p>\n

Arnott: I\u2019ve heard the expression, \u201cFor better or for worse, but not for lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n

Haylett: There you go. I love that. Absolutely.<\/p>\n

For Better or for Worse, but Not Necessarily for Retirement<\/p>\n

Arnott: What\u2019s your advice about retirement dates for couples? We\u2019ve heard that two people retiring at the same time could be too much change all at once. Do you agree with that? And what kind of advice do you have regarding the timing of retirement for a couple?<\/p>\n

Haylett: You think of the modern-day retirement, again, step out of the stereotypical thing here. More and more couples will retire with very, very similar emotional baggage or problems. It is absolutely more common now than not that this knowledge and wisdom work with identity and purpose, and so on, is both sides of the relationship. So, if that happens all at once, that\u2019s a tricky environment to probably navigate. And I also think it\u2019s really important for every individual to have their own timeline and to not sacrifice that timeline for one another. It is a real challenge. But I think if you decide to retire at the same time, one person out of that relationship is going to be on the back foot from the word go, because they probably have stepped away from work at a time that they didn\u2019t actually want to feel ready for. And they might have unfinished business, or they might love what they do.<\/p>\n

So, I think it\u2019s not only just too much change, I think there could be an element of resentment or regret from one of them that feels like they might have been forced into retirement, because again, the brochure tells you to retire together and have long, happy lives sitting on a beach, sipping cocktails. You need to do this together. It comes back to that point, and you don\u2019t. This is about your individual purposes, individual identities, and individual timeline. Like I said about the Venn diagram thing, on one half of it, it might be continuing to work for a little bit, but I\u2019ve got more time off. So in the middle bit, we can do some more stuff that we want to enjoy together. I think it\u2019s dangerous for people to retire at the same time, unless it\u2019s absolutely the right thing for them. But, in general, I don\u2019t see that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"On this episode of The Long View, author, podcast host, and financial planner and head of growth for…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":117949,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[72,176,61,60,174,175],"class_list":{"0":"post-156970","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-business","9":"tag-finance","10":"tag-ie","11":"tag-ireland","12":"tag-personal-finance","13":"tag-personalfinance"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156970","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=156970"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156970\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/117949"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=156970"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=156970"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=156970"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}