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\n Illustration: Marylu Herrera\n <\/p>\n
This week, a woman goes out on two dates and jokes with her daughters about their hot, gross teacher: 52, single, Cobble Hill<\/p>\n
6:03 a.m. I regularly wake up at 6:03 a.m. It\u2019s like a tic.<\/p>\n
7:20 a.m. Prepare for resistance as I gently wake my girls, who share a room. They\u2019re in high school and generally wonderful, but definitely not morning people.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m newly, happily divorced \u2014\u00a0it\u2019s been six months since the papers were signed. But I miss having another pair of hands on deck for mornings.<\/p>\n
9:30 a.m. Laundry, dishes. Order groceries from Whole Foods: soups; rotisserie chicken; Brie; a vat of mint-chocolate-chip ice cream; a big, expensive milk chocolate bar. The total is close to $300. Wild. The divorce left me with enough money that I don\u2019t have to stress about it.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re not astronomically rich, but my ex works in finance. I haven\u2019t worked in 15 years. Before having kids, I was an interior designer with a degree in architecture. My marriage was my full-time job after that. My ex was a very difficult man \u2014 moody, erratic, cold, unappreciative, oh, and did I mention impotent? So glad he\u2019s not my problem anymore.<\/p>\n
1 p.m. Make a rice bowl with chickpeas and that Japanese barbecue sauce everybody buys in bulk at Costco. Swipe on the apps on my couch. I\u2019ve only gone on two dates since being divorced \u2014\u00a0maybe five, if you count the two years it took to settle everything. I had sex with two of those five. Each time was so-so. Not rockstar sex. I want rockstar sex!<\/p>\n
4 p.m. Judging by my app notifications, I\u2019m not lacking for options. I\u2019m astounded by how many men are interested despite my being in my early 50s and not a supermodel. I think they\u2019re attracted to my having my shit together. My profile says something about wanting to find love again, but that I\u2019m happy just to experience pleasure until then.<\/p>\n
5 p.m. Texting with Thomas, an UES British divorc\u00e9 who\u2019s snobbish and maybe an asshole. I\u2019m intrigued anyway, since he\u2019s classically handsome and I love a Brit. Also texting with Evan, a \u201ccreative director\u201d who seems to have a lot of hobbies and free time and no actual clear job. Who am I to judge?
Thomas asks me out. He\u2019s very straightforward \u2014\u00a0literally, \u201cWould you like to have a date with me tomorrow night?\u201d Yes, I would.<\/p>\n
6 p.m. Take out a lipstick-shaped vibrator I bought at Target. Lie on my couch, stare out the window, and masturbate. My couch is\u00a0a clunky, taupe boucl\u00e9 treasure, and absolutely fucking heavenly.<\/p>\n
9 p.m. After over a decade fighting with my family about bedtime, I can now drift into my bedroom whenever I want without any drama. Swipe through a million Reels of people\u2019s \u201cBeez in the Trap\u201d duets \u2014 endlessly delightful \u2014\u00a0and go to bed.<\/p>\n
DAY TWO<\/p>\n
9 a.m. Take out my calendar and work on scheduling for 2026. Vacations. Sleepaway camp.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t like my ex-husband, but he\u2019s always been generous and low-maintenance when it comes to finances, e.g., me spending his money. It\u2019s the one thing he\u2019s not difficult about, honestly. I don\u2019t take that for granted. Despite his being a miserable, unemotional robot, he truly understands that he couldn\u2019t have had the career he does if I weren\u2019t home managing our entire life. He knows it\u2019s my money, too. We\u2019ve never fought about it.<\/p>\n
11 a.m. My ex hearts my texts about the vacations I\u2019m planning for the girls and me. See? Easy.<\/p>\n
He has a new girlfriend. We\u2019ve met a few times. She seems fine. A cold, bloodless, sexless robot like him, in my guesstimation.<\/p>\n
11:30 a.m. Thomas the Brit asks if I\u2019d like to go to an Italian restaurant tonight showcasing \u201ca bespoke wine program from Italy\u201d ?? Okayyy. Makes him sound like an old man, or a total prick. But I like wine, so I tell him the plan works for me.<\/p>\n
4 p.m. Getting blow-dried. I have very long, thick hair, and it takes two people to blow me out. I tip enormously.<\/p>\n
7 p.m. The restaurant is beautifully designed. I\u2019m reminded that New York can be so glamorous. Glad I dressed well \u2014\u00a0a black tailored suit over a strapless corset.<\/p>\n
9 p.m. Evaluating Thomas while he geeks out about the wine with the sommelier. Tall, elegant, big hands, Hugh Grant vibes. Do I want to have sex with him? That\u2019s for the wine to decide.<\/p>\n
10:30 p.m. We\u2019re tipsy. The conversation is nice! He\u2019s divorced with a child and seems like a very good dad. He shows me pictures of his kid and I get a good feeling about it all. But I\u2019m preoccupied by the fact that his teeth are purple. Mine must be, too \u2026 I almost ask, but it feels tacky.<\/p>\n
11 p.m. Waiting for Ubers. Thomas kisses me. I really like it. The taste of his mouth is warm grapes and cold winter combined. His hands find my ass over my wool coat. Now I\u2019m throbbing for him, but my car is here. I have no doubt we\u2019ll see each other again, and I say so.<\/p>\n
DAY THREE<\/p>\n
7:35 a.m. Make coffee while my girls scramble to get their backpacks together. They want details about my date. I offer up the Hugh Grant comparison and they make throw-up sounds. I thought everybody wanted Hugh Grant? I ask who they\u2019d rather the celebrity lookalike be. Tom Holland.<\/p>\n
11 a.m. It hasn\u2019t hit me until now that I\u2019m very hungover, which I realize because I\u2019m already ordering Sichuan food. The restaurant doesn\u2019t open for another hour, but I place the online order in advance.<\/p>\n
1 p.m. Chowing on five different cartons of salty food. I decide to message Evan back about plans. Yes, he\u2019s annoyingly eager, but there\u2019s something alluring about him. It\u2019s rare to meet a man who has a good personality! Thomas was lovely and refined. Evan, based on his various streams of texts about movies, books, and politics, is confident and free-spirited.<\/p>\n
5 p.m. Evan obviously did the \u201cwait four hours to respond\u201d move, because after exactly four hours, he texts back. I suggest a Red Hook dive with amazing drinks. Funnily, Evan says that he occasionally bartends there and co-signs. An opinionated creative director who bartends: He\u2019s going to be fascinating or irritating.<\/p>\n
8:40 p.m. My girls are with my ex. Melt into my beloved couch and watch two episodes of I Love LA. Better than I expected! The girls remind me of my daughters.<\/p>\n
DAY FOUR<\/p>\n
9 a.m. Fell asleep early and missed a text from Thomas asking me out again. Now I\u2019m the one who waits hours to respond.<\/p>\n
10:30 a.m. Schoolwide meeting. I\u2019m one of the only divorced moms, which makes me a little uncomfortable. It\u2019s not that everyone else is married \u2014\u00a0they just seem so happy. There are a lot of perfect couples in this auditorium.<\/p>\n
2 p.m. I\u2019ve been feeling a little sad around the house all afternoon. It\u2019s hard to go to events like today\u2019s and not feel a little sorry for myself as I walk out, alone; to make tea at home, alone; and swipe the apps, alone, looking for a restart at 52.<\/p>\n
6:45 p.m. My girls sit around the kitchen table to talk about life. One has a teacher who farts loudly in class all the time. As my daughter tells us about \u201ctoday\u2019s fart,\u201d I\u2019m on the ground laughing. How is a parent supposed to handle this situation? I can\u2019t email the principal to report it!<\/p>\n
The funniest part is that my daughter tells me he\u2019s divorced and very handsome. I Google him, and he\u2019s hot! My daughter says she can set us up covertly because he\u2019s looking for a parent chaperone for a school outing. But \u2026 the farting?! How does an attractive grown man with a professional job not deal with his gastrointestinal issues? We\u2019re in tears cracking up.<\/p>\n
DAY FIVE<\/p>\n
10:30 a.m. Spend the morning with my brother and his husband, who are renovating a brownstone. They\u2019re both architects but want my opinion. Even though they\u2019re my family, it feels good to be in work mode.<\/p>\n
12:30 p.m. Shopping for paint and wallpaper. They\u2019re into daring colors. When the salesperson asks if I\u2019m their designer, I say \u201cyes.\u201d It gives me chills \u2014\u00a0I can see myself doing this for real clients in the near future.<\/p>\n
2 p.m. We get margaritas and a big plate of loaded nachos. My brother asks if he can swipe for me, since he has an instinct for hot men who might not first present as hot. He matches me with a few guys whom I\u2019ll flirt with later.<\/p>\n
5 p.m. The girls have sleepovers, so I\u2019m alone and following up with the matches my brother found. One asks if my body was \u201cruined\u201d by having kids. Gross. Another misspells every other word. It\u2019s so bad that I wonder if he\u2019s doing a bit.<\/p>\n
8 p.m. At my kitchen table with a glass of wine and a tobacco-and-fig candle burning, I attempt to draft a plan to restart my interior-design business, or potentially a small design brand of my own. I play with names: I want something with \u201cMulberry,\u201d because I grew up in New England with a big mulberry tree in my front yard, and I\u2019ve always just had a mulberry thing.<\/p>\n
Every good Mulberry name is taken.<\/p>\n
10 p.m. Get into bed with my vibrator. Think about Thomas. What would it be like to fuck Hugh Grant? My brain drifts to the farting teacher, and I\u2019m giggling too much to keep going.<\/p>\n
DAY SIX<\/p>\n
10 a.m. Tomorrow is one of my daughters\u2019 birthdays. Baking a cake. (You don\u2019t become a SAHM and not learn to bake.) Put on music to get me in a sexy mood for my date with Evan. I don\u2019t know any cool music \u2026 I put on Cardi B. Baking carrot cake to Cardi isn\u2019t the best combination. Switch to the National.<\/p>\n
12:45 p.m. A girlfriend needs help dealing with perimenopause. We go on a walk and talk about HRT and the testosterone pellet that everyone swears by<\/a>. I have no experience to offer. The thing about years with a cold-hearted husband with a broken dick is you don\u2019t get to test your libido levels.<\/p>\n It never mattered if I was horny. We stopped having sex three years ago, because it was always me instigating, him trying and going limp, then it turning into a fight. He never addressed the issue \u2014\u00a0as far as I know, he never even saw a doctor about it.<\/p>\n 3 p.m. Take my birthday daughter shopping. She only wants Lululemon sweatshirts.<\/p>\n 6:40 p.m. Getting ready. Put on jeans, a black tank top, and a brown bomber jacket.<\/p>\n 7:15 p.m. Evan is talking to the bartender when I walk in. He\u2019s hot. He reminds me of both Richie and Carmie from The Bear. We hug hello. It\u2019s a tight and loving hug. It feels nice. He might be too much, but let\u2019s see.<\/p>\n 9 p.m. \u00a0Evan is an amazing conversationalist, hilarious, and a great listener. It\u2019s one of those nights where you feel lucky to be lifted up by the world.<\/p>\n 10 p.m. Call us an Uber to his place. My girls are at my apartment, and while they\u2019re quite evolved, I am not bringing this boy home tonight. I say \u201cboy\u201d because even though Evan is 45, he\u2019s so boyish. It\u2019s adorable. I\u2019m deliberate about getting the car because he paid for drinks, and for some reason, I have it in my head that he has absolutely no money to his name.<\/p>\n 10:30 p.m. I figured wrong. He lives in this cool little carriage house. Must be a trust-fund baby. We\u2019re making out all over the place. It\u2019s very good.<\/p>\n He throws me on his long farm table and starts to eat me out. I don\u2019t want to come in his mouth, because I want to save the orgasm for sex. With my jeans hanging off my legs, I pull him to his bedroom. He puts on a condom and we start to fuck, and it feels amazing. His dick is average, but he knows how to use it. I come so quickly because I needed it, and because of the foreplay. Then I blow him and he comes in my mouth. I never swallow for anyone, so I find his bathroom, spit in the toilet, and flush.<\/p>\n 11:30 p.m. He\u2019s holding me in bed. Decide to go before things get awkward. Get dressed and we give each other another long, tight, and loving hug. Then I leave.<\/p>\n DAY SEVEN<\/p>\n 6:03 a.m. Right on the dot, I wake up at my time. Big smile on my face. That was really good sex.<\/p>\n 9 a.m. My girls are still asleep, so I quietly clean up the kitchen and get ready for my daughter\u2019s little party I\u2019m hosting tonight. My ex and his new girlfriend are coming. I dislike him so much that I\u2019m indifferent to his company. I invited him because I knew my daughters would have more fun with all of us together.<\/p>\n 1 p.m. The girls want the scoop on my night. He\u2019s already texted me to say \u201cThanks.\u201d I can\u2019t figure out why he has money? His last name is common, so a Google search is useless. He gave me a few clues \u2026 his dad was an artist \u2026 his mom founded some school \u2026 but I don\u2019t have time to hunt down his family history.<\/p>\n 3:30 p.m. Thomas texts me a Resy link for tomorrow night. The restaurant is super-formal. Strange to go from a shitty dive bar to this pretentious French place within a few days, but I\u2019m smiling that this is my life now.<\/p>\n 8 p.m. The party was really nice. My ex and his girlfriend brought me the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers. It\u2019s surreal that we all might be okay.<\/p>\n Want to submit a sex diary? Email\u00a0sexdiaries@nymag.com<\/a>\u00a0and tell us a little about yourself (and read our submission terms\u00a0here<\/a>).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Illustration: Marylu Herrera This week, a woman goes out on two dates and jokes with her daughters about…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":165459,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[43616,8744,14114,61,60,4809,6007,91983,80,91984],"class_list":{"0":"post-165458","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-technology","8":"tag-adult-content","9":"tag-dating","10":"tag-divorce","11":"tag-ie","12":"tag-ireland","13":"tag-self","14":"tag-sex","15":"tag-sex-diaries","16":"tag-technology","17":"tag-the-midlife-divorce"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/165458","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=165458"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/165458\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/165459"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=165458"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=165458"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=165458"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}