{"id":176535,"date":"2025-12-05T12:42:09","date_gmt":"2025-12-05T12:42:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/176535\/"},"modified":"2025-12-05T12:42:09","modified_gmt":"2025-12-05T12:42:09","slug":"my-boyfriend-likes-spend-money-on-himself-im-more-frugal-and-i-think-this-could-be-a-problem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/176535\/","title":{"rendered":"My boyfriend likes spend money on himself. I’m more frugal, and I think this could be a problem."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.\u00a0Submit your own questions about money here<\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

I am a medical student in my 30s. I live with my boyfriend, \u201cJohn,\u201d who is a registered nurse. Neither of us have student loans or debt other than our credit card. My father still helps me with expenses\u2014not a lot, but I have always had an \u201callowance.\u201d John pays for all the house expenses, as I don\u2019t really \u201cwork.\u201d I do part-time side jobs, but I do pay for most of the groceries and take care of the house. We talk about marriage all the time, and once I work in a hospital, I know I will be making the same or more than him. But there\u2019s a problem.<\/p>\n

He spends a lot. By a lot, I mean he is OK with spending $100 or more on a pair of shoes twice a month. Or a $300 watch. While I do know that this is normal spending, I am stingy.<\/p>\n

When we marry, I would like to keep our money semi-separate. He always complains about spending too much and wanting to save more, and he has a big savings. I do not. He makes me try to find ways to save more money, get cheaper house items, etc, while he doesn\u2019t cut costs on his personal expenses. And in the long run I do not want to argue about his spending versus me being a cheapo. How do I mention this without him throwing in my face that he pays for everything right now? Is having a joint bank account the meaning of love?<\/p>\n

\u2014Save Every Buck<\/p>\n

Dear Save Every Buck,<\/p>\n

I wonder if John is low-key tired of paying for all of your living expenses while you just buy groceries and do chores. Perhaps that\u2019s why he keeps harping on your spending. Am I saying it\u2019s fair or the right way for him to address it? No\u2014it\u2019s actually pretty crappy. But the current setup doesn\u2019t seem to be working for either of you right now.<\/p>\n

I would like you to sit down, pull up all your credit card and bank statements from the past few months, add up all of your money, and see where it is going. (An app like\u00a0Mint<\/a>\u00a0can help with the sorting.) What\u2019s eating up the allowance and side-gig incomes? Does John see you being wasteful with your money when you could be helping more? Or are you busy paying for tuition and books, and he fails to recognize that?<\/p>\n

If you feel you are in the right and are being mindful with your spending, sit with John and tell him that you love him but not the approach he is taking with you and your finances. In an effort to work together, you would like to get started with having a\u00a0money date night<\/a>, so you can get on the same page financially and\u00a0work together as a team<\/a>. You can also discuss the idea of moving forward with getting a joint account while keeping your own separate ones. Even if you realize there are places where you could scale back your spending, it\u2019s still a good idea to have this conversation with him. You both have different strengths you can bring to the table, and you\u2019ll be better off having these hard discussions now and figuring out how you want to more forward financially as a couple.<\/p>\n

\u2014Athena Valentine<\/p>\n

From: My Mother-In-Law Blew All Her Money And Now Wants Her Kids To Support Her.<\/a> (June 21st, 2021).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/p>\n

My uncle nearly lost all of his retirement fund on a bad investment and lives in extremely limited income while doing odd jobs. His wife has never worked. They have one child who lives with them and works in a low-wage administrative job. My cousin likes to buy designer clothes and luxuries that she couldn\u2019t afford. She never contributes to the bills, not even groceries. My aunt encourages and defends her, while my uncle is silent. His siblings periodically send them money to help pay the bills, but as they get older and retire themselves, the amount sent keeps getting smaller. My father has asked if I\u2019d be willing to send some money for uncle, as I am financially comfortable. I don\u2019t want to. I live within my means and don\u2019t want to subsidize my cousin\u2019s unsustainable lifestyle. But on the other hand, it\u2019s clear that my uncle is feeling the pressure of his dire financial situation. Should I help my uncle anyway?<\/p>\n

\u2014The Responsible Cousin<\/p>\n

Dear Responsible,<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Help! I Don\u2019t Approve of My Parents\u2019 Lifestyle. They Don\u2019t Want to Hear It.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n


\n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

Help! I Know My Son and Daughter-in-Law Are in the Throes of Wedding Planning. But What They Did on Thanksgiving Was Seriously Unhinged.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I Know My Boss Is Struggling With Something Immensely Difficult Right Now. But It\u2019s Not an Excuse for What She\u2019s Asking Us to Do.
\n <\/a><\/p>\n

It\u2019s unclear from your letter how old your luxury aficionado cousin is, and I think that has a little bearing on my answer. Younger people often spend on things they can\u2019t afford because they\u2019re markers of status and they think it\u2019s important to their social lives and so on. As they get older and accumulate more adult responsibilities, they think about saving and providing for others. So if we\u2019re talking about a cousin somewhere in her early 20s, I\u2019d cut her some slack. If she\u2019s older than that, I think she does have some responsibility to at least pay her share of the bills.<\/p>\n

As for what you owe: Technically speaking, you don\u2019t owe anyone anything. But unless your uncle is buying designer clothes for your cousin (and it doesn\u2019t sound that\u2019s what\u2019s happening), let\u2019s be clear: You\u2019d be subsidizing your uncle and his wife, not your cousin\u2019s lifestyle. If your cousin eats their groceries, well, she\u2019d probably do that even if she lived nearby and was just visiting.<\/p>\n

So this is really about whether you want to help your uncle and his wife. Your cousin\u2019s low-wage administrative job is unlikely to support them in any case. You\u2019re certainly not obligated to help, but you should leave your cousin out of this calculation.<\/p>\n

\u2014Elizabeth Spiers<\/p>\n

From: I Want To Cut Off My Stepson, And Give Money To The Woman He Had An Affair With<\/a>. (July 14th, 2021).<\/p>\n

More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

I have a friend who\u2019s always been a little cheap with shared checks. If I throw my card down for ease and let people Venmo me, he\u2019ll pay me, like, a conservative estimate of his portion (often short of the real total) and also not take tax or tip into account. I always kind of forget about this until he does it again. A few months ago, he estimated $25 when he owed me $40, and I was like, \u201cBro,\u201d and he seemed perplexed and gave me the $40. I tell you all this because on our last hangout, it was just us, and during our conversation about his current joblessness, he reluctantly revealed he is an heir to one of the biggest family fortunes in America<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":176536,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[752,72,96575,176,61,60,174,175,2243],"class_list":{"0":"post-176535","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-business","10":"tag-dating-and-relationships","11":"tag-finance","12":"tag-ie","13":"tag-ireland","14":"tag-personal-finance","15":"tag-personalfinance","16":"tag-slate-plus"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176535","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=176535"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/176535\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/176536"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=176535"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=176535"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=176535"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}