\u201cOkay,\u201d I go, \u201ctoday we\u2019re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,\u201d and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book. <\/p>\n
There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it. <\/p>\n
Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year\u2019s Day. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re supposed to be on our Christmas holidays,\u201d one kids goes \u2013 and I\u2019m ashamed to say that it\u2019s one of mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cChristmas holidays?\u201d I go. \u201cDo you think Johnny Sexton ever took Christmas holidays? I can tell you for a fact that he used to practise his kicking even on Christmas morning. Will I tell you how I know? Because I used to retrieve the balls for him \u2013 back in the days when he used to call me Guru.\u201d<\/p>\n
Again, there\u2019s little or no response from the kids, so I go, \u201cOkay, let\u2019s stort the warm-up, then I\u2019ll talk you through some of these famous moves that I came up with.\u201d<\/p>\n
Most of them have been in the book for years. I\u2019ve had one or two AIL clubs sniffing around me recently and I was planning to use them to blow them away at the interview stage. But then I just think, why am I saving them for clubs that have overlooked me time and time again? Fock them.<\/p>\n
The players are, like, warming up and I\u2019m giving it, \u201cCome on, goys, let\u2019s work off some of that Christmas pudding!\u201d and I\u2019m loving the way my voice sounds. <\/p>\n
I really am a loss to the game.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t know? We\u2019re playing you in a friendly on Paddy\u2019s Day<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Christian<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when I spot Christian making his way across the pork, walking \u2013 wouldn\u2019t you know it \u2013 the labradoodle that his kids pestered him to buy them for Christmas.<\/p>\n
I shout at him. I\u2019m like, \u201cYou\u2019re some mug!\u201d because I\u2019ve been pissed off with him ever since I offered him a job as my assistant coach and he knocked me back because he\u2019s \u2013 get this \u2013 coaching the first years in \u2013 I can barely bring myself to say the words \u2013 Blackrock College.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s there, \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d because he\u2019s obviously forgotten about my world-famous intensity and killer temperament.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cIt\u2019s called training, Christian. Just because your goys are too soft to work on New Year\u2019s Day\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn the contrary,\u201d he goes, \u201cwe trained this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat?\u201d because this comes as a genuine surprise to me? \u201cWhen? Where?\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s there, \u201cWe did strength and conditioning work. We actually ran up and then down the Sugar Loaf.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat?\u201d in genuine shock. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t say they were happy about that. Quite a few winter skiing holidays cancelled, I\u2019m guessing.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cThey didn\u2019t mind. They know they\u2019ve got a match on their hands in March.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWhat match?\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou don\u2019t know? We\u2019re playing you in a friendly on Paddy\u2019s Day.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThis is the first I\u2019m hearing about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cHey, if you don\u2019t feel your goys are ready for it, that\u2019s cool. A bad defeat at this age could put them off rugby forever.\u201d<\/p>\n
He has balls like Gallia melons.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cHey, they\u2019re ready for it \u2013 don\u2019t you worry about that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Christian focks off then with the dog. The second he\u2019s gone, I whip out my phone and I order a fleet of Ubers.<\/p>\n
All of the kids are like, \u201cWhere are we going?\u201d as they climb into the cors.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWe\u2019re going to do some altitude training.\u201d<\/p>\n
Half-an-hour later, we\u2019re pulling into the Sugar Loaf cor pork and all of the kids are looking at me, wondering what genius idea is this.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe fock are we doing here?\u201d Leo goes.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWe\u2019re going to run up the Sugar Loaf.\u201d<\/p>\n
They\u2019re all like, \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cGoys, this is what our main rivals are doing. If we want to compete with them, then we have to match them. As a matter of fact, we have to, like, up the ante?\u201d and that\u2019s when I spot a pile of rocks in the corner of the cor pork.<\/p>\n
I go, \u201cHere, grab one of these each. We\u2019re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks in our orms.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brian\u2019s like, \u201cEr, why?\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cBecause Blackrock College aren\u2019t doing it \u2013 that\u2019s why.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d love to say that this gets a reaction from the players, except it doesn\u2019t?<\/p>\n
They all go, \u201cFock\u2019s sake,\u201d and, \u201cIt\u2019s New Year\u2019s focking Day,\u201d as they pick up their rocks and I end up having to tell one or two of them that the ones they\u2019ve chosen are too light.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re going to kill those poor kids<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Christian<\/p>\n
Eventually, we\u2019re all good to go. I even grab a rock, a heavy one, just to show them that I\u2019m not the kind of coach who would ask them to do something that I wasn\u2019t prepared to do myself.<\/p>\n
Halfway up the mountain, though, I end up getting a twinge in my lower back, a recurrence of an injury I originally picked up in the course of saving Seapoint from relegation to Division 2C of the AIL.<\/p>\n
I end up dropping the rock and having to sit down on the side of the path while the kids continue on without me \u2013 pissing and moaning, of course, giving it, \u201cI\u2019m tired\u201d and \u201cI think I\u2019m going to vomit\u201d.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWork through the pain barrier,\u201d channelling the late, great Fr Fehily, who made us train on not only New Year\u2019s Day, but on Christmas Eve as well.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when my phone suddenly rings. I answer it and \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 it ends up being Christian.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n
And he\u2019s there, \u201cWhere are you, Ross? You\u2019re breaking up.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cStill in Herbert Pork,\u201d because information is power.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cSo that\u2019s not you I\u2019m looking at halfway up the Sugar Loaf, no?\u201d<\/p>\n
The focker is looking straight at me.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYou\u2019re going to kill those poor kids.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYou told me you did the same thing this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to listen to me, Ross. I\u2019m the enemy now, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n
And I go, \u201cDude, this is focking war.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\u201cOkay,\u201d I go, \u201ctoday we\u2019re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,\u201d and…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":225306,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[72,61,60,709,42327],"class_list":["post-225305","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-business","tag-business","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/225305","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=225305"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/225305\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/225306"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=225305"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=225305"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=225305"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}